I Miss My Mother
I lost my Mam on Oct 5th 2009. She had been sick for 2 years with breast cancer, but she ignored the pains she was getting thinking it was mastitis until she found a lump. Being a Mother, she didn't tell us girls until she was getting a lumpectomy and it was therefore unavoidable! Honestly, I didn't even entertain the fact that she wouldn't beat it, she was just that type of person, cancer had no business being inside her and would soon be shown the door. After the doctors removed the lump and some lymph nodes we thought it would all be back to normal after a few months. My mam said she needed some radiotherapy and chemo, I remember thinking "uh oh she's not going to like losing her hair" and I really did think that'd be the worst of it.
Coming to my parents house and seeing her so weak and sick most days was heartbreaking, I just kept waiting for her to get back to normal I just found it hard to comprehend that the strongest woman in the world was sick and was letting it get her down. As it slowly got worse and lesions started appearing on her liver that the chemo wouldn't cure, only halt progression I began to forget what it had been like when she was healthy and active, running around after us 5 girls, scolding, hugging, feeding, comforting, worrying, cleaning, bonding, caring, loving, yelling and teaching, she became a shell. I know it's a cliche when people say when they can see the light die out from someones eyes but we saw that with each day and I can pinpoint the moment she gave up the fight, although I'm a grown woman I was naive enough to be angry with her for giving up, I thought she gave up on us, I thought she didn't love us enough to keep going.
In the last week it spread to her brain, she couldnt walk properly or do anything but talk. The last day I spoke to her she was trying to get organised for xmas and asked could I get tins of sweets for various relatives, she was lying on the couch and we were having a great laugh and I remember thinking I hadn't seen her that animated and sparky in ages and I went home thinking maybe it would be ok. I texted her when I got them and she texted back "thank you love xx" simple but always heartfelt and sincere. I went to bring the up on 4th Oct and my Dad said she was resting but to go up and wake her, I didn't want to disturb her sleep as I knew she found the nights hard to rest (this is my biggest regret).
The next day about 5pm, my uncle called me and I remember him saying "You need to get to the hospital, NOW" We drove so fast it's a miracle we got there safely. She was unconscious and had lost the power of speech would remain that way until her last breath. Everyone individually said their goodbyes. I couldn't find the words to tell her what a woman she was how she stayed on the pedestal I'd put her there from as long as I can remember, how she taught me to be happy with who I was and to never let my voice be shouted down. i promised to look after my 8 year old sister and I took her to the hospital cafe where she asked about Mam and I explained as best I could about angels and how God wants them in heaven beside him. I remember the woman at the next table had tears in her eyes and came over and squeezed my hand then walked away. We all sat in her room (the whole extended family too!) and laughed and joked with her,after a while we sent my youngest sister home. My mam's breathing became more erratic and rattled, my Dad and sisters sat by the bed and held her transparent, bruised hand and told her it was ok to go, finally at 11:24pm on Oct 5th she took her last breath. I didn't burst into tears and throw myself on the bed as I imagined in all of my fears, I went into auto pilot because as the oldest I knew I'd have to be strong for the aftermath and I wanted her to be able to rely on me.
It turned out that the old saying "when one door closes..." was true, a week later I found out after 2 years and one miss I was pregnant and on July 5th (9 months to the day) I gave birth to my beautiful little girl. She left me the most beautiful gift behind, I guess the angels gave her a choice and being a Mother, she chose what would make one of her own happy.
When my little girl grows up I'll make sure she knows all about her Nana in the sky
"When my Mother's glow is showing, in heaven it will be snowing" xxx
Coming to my parents house and seeing her so weak and sick most days was heartbreaking, I just kept waiting for her to get back to normal I just found it hard to comprehend that the strongest woman in the world was sick and was letting it get her down. As it slowly got worse and lesions started appearing on her liver that the chemo wouldn't cure, only halt progression I began to forget what it had been like when she was healthy and active, running around after us 5 girls, scolding, hugging, feeding, comforting, worrying, cleaning, bonding, caring, loving, yelling and teaching, she became a shell. I know it's a cliche when people say when they can see the light die out from someones eyes but we saw that with each day and I can pinpoint the moment she gave up the fight, although I'm a grown woman I was naive enough to be angry with her for giving up, I thought she gave up on us, I thought she didn't love us enough to keep going.
In the last week it spread to her brain, she couldnt walk properly or do anything but talk. The last day I spoke to her she was trying to get organised for xmas and asked could I get tins of sweets for various relatives, she was lying on the couch and we were having a great laugh and I remember thinking I hadn't seen her that animated and sparky in ages and I went home thinking maybe it would be ok. I texted her when I got them and she texted back "thank you love xx" simple but always heartfelt and sincere. I went to bring the up on 4th Oct and my Dad said she was resting but to go up and wake her, I didn't want to disturb her sleep as I knew she found the nights hard to rest (this is my biggest regret).
The next day about 5pm, my uncle called me and I remember him saying "You need to get to the hospital, NOW" We drove so fast it's a miracle we got there safely. She was unconscious and had lost the power of speech would remain that way until her last breath. Everyone individually said their goodbyes. I couldn't find the words to tell her what a woman she was how she stayed on the pedestal I'd put her there from as long as I can remember, how she taught me to be happy with who I was and to never let my voice be shouted down. i promised to look after my 8 year old sister and I took her to the hospital cafe where she asked about Mam and I explained as best I could about angels and how God wants them in heaven beside him. I remember the woman at the next table had tears in her eyes and came over and squeezed my hand then walked away. We all sat in her room (the whole extended family too!) and laughed and joked with her,after a while we sent my youngest sister home. My mam's breathing became more erratic and rattled, my Dad and sisters sat by the bed and held her transparent, bruised hand and told her it was ok to go, finally at 11:24pm on Oct 5th she took her last breath. I didn't burst into tears and throw myself on the bed as I imagined in all of my fears, I went into auto pilot because as the oldest I knew I'd have to be strong for the aftermath and I wanted her to be able to rely on me.
It turned out that the old saying "when one door closes..." was true, a week later I found out after 2 years and one miss I was pregnant and on July 5th (9 months to the day) I gave birth to my beautiful little girl. She left me the most beautiful gift behind, I guess the angels gave her a choice and being a Mother, she chose what would make one of her own happy.
When my little girl grows up I'll make sure she knows all about her Nana in the sky
"When my Mother's glow is showing, in heaven it will be snowing" xxx
By:
cristabella
Age:
22-25
,
Female
