No Title NeededMy mother passed when I was 10 on Easter after dinner from a brain aneurysm.
It's something I never talk about, but seeing as today would have been her birthday I've just been thinking.
I was just about to go hug her goodnight when it happened. I remember all her screaming. I remember her asking us to help her but what could we do? Then she accepted it and asked God to take her into his hands. It went by so fast. My sister was 7 months old and I was forced to immediately step in to take care of her since my dad was busy with his job and no one wanted to help us.
It's been 8 years and the hole her death's created will always be the same size and depth. No amount of tears will ever express how painful her absence is. When she died a part of me did, and I'll never be truly okay. Of course I've been going on living, but there'll always be that emptiness. I've been cold since her death. I can smile and feel happy, but it's not the same. She was my sun. I always knew she'd die eventually and accepted that fact, but I wish she didn't go the way she did. I would've felt a little better if she'd gone when my sister was an adult, not an infant.
She was my best friend. I remember one time I told her that and she told me "I'm not supposed to be your bestfriend, I'm supposed to be your mother" but she was. She was and will be the only person on earth to have really known me. She'd always know what I loved, what I hated, how I'd think, how I'd react. When others couldn't get why I was acting the way I was she would. If I needed advice she had the best. She was my only "real" parent since my dad was hardly around, and since she's died I've felt like an orphan.
I have some resentment towards her, though. She wasn't perfect. Who is? She had her issues, we had our fights, she had her bitchy-ness, made crappy decisions, and as much as I loved (and still love) her I'd never wanna be anything like her and get irritated when people say they see her in me.
I have my reasons.
But I still love her more than I've ever loved anyone else.
Despite her flaws she was a good mother. She was very loving, knew how to raise kids, and I wish that she was still around for my brother and sister. I feel that if she was things would be better for us all. After her death everything sort of fell apart more.
It upsets me how ****** up our so-called "family" was after her death. It upsets me that at the funeral they all made touching speeches about how they'd help us through it all because they loved us, yet once it was all done they deserted us and never even called. They had the nerve to criticize my father when he was trying his best, and the nerve to criticize me for falling behind in school because I was too busy watching my sister and caring for my autistic brother.
It upsets me that no one ever considered how I felt. I didn't cry over her death for 3 years. Once she died everything went numb and no grief was able to be expressed, mostly because I was so busy caring for my siblings and still in shock. And once it finally hit me I expressed it through anger, and instead of being understanding my supposedly "caring" family just shunned me. It was hard growing up without her. I was alone with no one else to turn to. I had to figure it all out on my own. There's so many things I wished I could have asked her.
I haven't visited her grave in a long time because I've been living far. And when I lived closer I still didn't visit much because I tried to pretend she never existed to ease the pain.
But now I do. Hopefully soon I'll be able to travel there.
Every year I remember how when I was 6 I'd always tell her I'd be an astronaut, buy her a house, car, flowers, and make a vase to put them in 'cause I loved her. I'm no astronaut, never will be. Can't buy her a house, or a car, but I can still get her flowers. It's not the same when she's not here to put them in water, though.