Post

No Title Needed

My mother passed when I was 10 on Easter after dinner from a brain aneurysm.

It's something I never talk about, but seeing as today would have been her birthday I've just been thinking.

I was just about to go hug her goodnight when it happened. I remember all her screaming. I remember her asking us to help her but what could we do? Then she accepted it and asked God to take her into his hands. It went by so fast. My sister was 7 months old and I was forced to immediately step in to take care of her since my dad was busy with his job and no one wanted to help us.

It's been 8 years and the hole her death's created will always be the same size and depth. No amount of tears will ever express how painful her absence is. When she died a part of me did, and I'll never be truly okay. Of course I've been going on living, but there'll always be that emptiness. I've been cold since her death. I can smile and feel happy, but it's not the same. She was my sun. I always knew she'd die eventually and accepted that fact, but I wish she didn't go the way she did. I would've felt a little better if she'd gone when my sister was an adult, not an infant.

She was my best friend. I remember one time I told her that and she told me "I'm not supposed to be your bestfriend, I'm supposed to be your mother" but she was. She was and will be the only person on earth to have really known me. She'd always know what I loved, what I hated, how I'd think, how I'd react. When others couldn't get why I was acting the way I was she would. If I needed advice she had the best. She was my only "real" parent since my dad was hardly around, and since she's died I've felt like an orphan.

I have some resentment towards her, though. She wasn't perfect. Who is? She had her issues, we had our fights, she had her bitchy-ness, made crappy decisions, and as much as I loved (and still love) her I'd never wanna be anything like her and get irritated when people say they see her in me.

I have my reasons.

But I still love her more than I've ever loved anyone else.

Despite her flaws she was a good mother. She was very loving, knew how to raise kids, and I wish that she was still around for my brother and sister. I feel that if she was things would be better for us all. After her death everything sort of fell apart more.

It upsets me how ****** up our so-called "family" was after her death. It upsets me that at the funeral they all made touching speeches about how they'd help us through it all because they loved us, yet once it was all done they deserted us and never even called. They had the nerve to criticize my father when he was trying his best, and the nerve to criticize me for falling behind in school because I was too busy watching my sister and caring for my autistic brother.

It upsets me that no one ever considered how I felt. I didn't cry over her death for 3 years. Once she died everything went numb and no grief was able to be expressed, mostly because I was so busy caring for my siblings and still in shock. And once it finally hit me I expressed it through anger, and instead of being understanding my supposedly "caring" family just shunned me. It was hard growing up without her. I was alone with no one else to turn to. I had to figure it all out on my own. There's so many things I wished I could have asked her.

I haven't visited her grave in a long time because I've been living far. And when I lived closer I still didn't visit much because I tried to pretend she never existed to ease the pain.

But now I do. Hopefully soon I'll be able to travel there.

Every year I remember how when I was 6 I'd always tell her I'd be an astronaut, buy her a house, car, flowers, and make a vase to put them in 'cause I loved her. I'm no astronaut, never will be. Can't buy her a house, or a car, but I can still get her flowers. It's not the same when she's not here to put them in water, though.
PeachesNScreams PeachesNScreams 18-21, F 37 Responses Jul 21, 2011

Your Response

Cancel

thank you for sharing this. I am sorry for your grief and only hope that things will get better as time goes on. I will hope for sunshine and joy for you even if only in little things. I will hope and pray for you peace.

So sorry for your loss at such a young age. I read that is is an older post and u may have children yourself. I do hope u talk to them about their grandmother and tell them your experiences as the memories u shared with your mum will live on in them. Blessings and good fortune be with u

Wow...I am sad that this happened to your family. I can not imagine my life with out my mom. You have just reminded me not to take my parents for granted as we know one say they will be gone. You are a strong person!

my mum died when i was 2 years old so i have no memory of her.In some ways its less upseting than your sad loss.but you know i did not know her birthday so know i will find out .and it will help me have some closeness to her .im sure that both of our mums would want us to be happy so lets do our best.Lots of luck Thankyou

Dear EP UserD



I have read your story written at a time when you were pregnant, feeling low and missing your mother dearly. I assume that you are in your 20's now and also a mother.



My comments would be as follows:-



(1) you are now a mother and it is your turn to be a teacher and an inspiration to your child/children.



(2) We hear about the pain of childbirth but no one can truly explain the feelings of what one will experience until they go through it themselves. So it is the same with death, each persons experience of losing a love one is different and unique to us all.



(3) No person can explain or described what happens after death.



There are however guidance in the bible, and other books of faith.



(4) I stumbled across the 5 stages of grief:



"1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me",

________________________________________

2-Anger-"why me?",

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss..

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

5-Acceptance-

Get help. You will survive. You will heal, even if you cannot believe that now, just know that it is true. "

http://www.essortment.com/5-stages-grief-16816.html



Google 5 stages of grief for further info.



You may have gone through a few of these stages or all of them. What i can say is that there is light at the end of the tunnel.



From my own painful experience I can truthfully say that time is a healer.

I can now smile and laugh again. Even when you have gone through the 5 stages, there will be times when a certain smell, situation or conversation that will bring the memories of your mother back, which may open the flood gates of tears. It is OK to cry and allow your feelings and emotions to surface. Whatever your faith, tapped into it at that time and take advantage of the comfort you received.



(5) as Embebert said " There is the story of King David grieving for a son who was dying, and when the son died, David refreshed himself, took a bath, and all those around him couldn't understand why such a change. King David replied...when he was alive I prayed and fasted and did everything I could to save him. But once he died, I realized "he cannot come to me, but I will go to him.



Be a teacher to your family. Do not bring them up in the fairy tale world that everything is wonderful and a little ointment from your Doctor will make all things right.



Be real, live life and love all you can.



Warm Regards

Doveflower

I feel you! I also missed my mother. She passed away last March 2011. I'm still grieving until now and I missed her so much. Yeah, we also had a lot of disagreements and fights. But I really miss her. There are times when I wished she's still alive especially when I'm feeling down or depressed. It's not the same without a mother. You're such a brave girl and you're also very responsible for taking care of your family. I know your mom is proud of you. Take care. Mwahugzz!

My mom died from cancer August 2011. I miss her everyday. When she died I wanted to die too. Im sorry you had to go through that alone. I can't imagine your struggle. You are an amazing person. I could barely function after she passed, life was like a motion without feeling and sometimes it still is. Its hard to not dislike those that made her life rough and its hard to see people go about life as if she never existed. Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs and make everyone stop and acknowledge what a great person she was. Even as I scream inside, no one hears me. I can't imagine screaming outloud but I feel almost as if the result would be the same, it would fall on deaf ears. I can't get back the loss of her, I prayed God take me instead. I prayed God give me her disease I will bear the burden at least my other 4 sisters would have a mother. But He didnt listen to me and he took her anyway. She was a wonderful person, just wonderful. I miss her laugh, her smile, her jokes, playing cards, her listening to me go on and on about nothing. I miss her cooking, oh how she could cook! I miss the way she smelled, her singing, her funny dancing and the way she liked her house to be clean clean clean. My mom, my friend I miss you so much, there are no words to express what I feel from losing you.

I know I'm a little late to see this since it was posted in July but I couldn't help but just burst out in tears.I'm so afraid my mom will be next. My mom has a brain aneurysm. The doctor told us each puff of a cigarette is a chance of popping it and killing her, Yet she still smokes. I would do ANYTHING for her to just quit smoking.

My heart goes out to you....many many hugs!!

Your loss of Mum and care for siblings have forced you to grow up faster than others of your age.

It gives you gifts of character that will help you through life.

Your story touches me deeply.

Even more so, when, checking your profile,

I get a hint of how your pain has affected your life.

Clearly there are times when it's been unbearable torture.

I lost my dog Carmen at 8, and Dad at 14, and now my Mum when I'm 55.

All have had a profound effect on me, and I'm still learning from them.

A Buddhist monk once told me that "the art of love is paying attention".

It took me years to understand what he meant, but I think it's ultimately true.

I wish you all the joy of the fruits of love, may it fill your heart, heal your grief, nurture your life.

Reading this while at work and fighting back the tears, just hope my manager doesn't come over. I am so sorry for your loss. *big hugs*

It's got to be a little brighter...where we go when we die. I don't know where it is or if it's just nowhere, but I'm sure there is no suffering there.



You're quite a girl and I admire you a lot. It took a lot of courage to write this story.



I want you to know that I am always here if you need or want to talk.

((((((((((soya))))))))))))))))))



I put dollbabies and toys on my baby girls grave and every year, holiday, birthday , her siblings and i add toys or age appropriate items..its a child cemetary and others add to her grave as do we add to some of theirs. Its sad how many people go too soon.

Young Mommys, Daddys, even kids who didnt have a real chance to live yet!



But you will always have her memory. cherish it!!

i understand you sweety because me too i lost my mom 4 years ago.i know it is allah s will but it was painful i was happy i got my bacaloria exam i entered university full of hope but right that she passed away because of cancer leaving me the responsable of my dad my 3 brothers because i am the only girl lonely painfully i got psychologcally ill than year by year i learned how to live alone depending on my self doing every thing in home taking care of my brothers it is a must to do so.i am fighting alone in this life i cant truse no one even my close family she was every thing for me this year i got my diploma graduation finish ofmy studies but without taste because she wasnt with me i succeeded for her i do every thing forher to be proud of me even she isnt with me she was a great mom and....i am fed up sorry................

sweet heart sorry for your lost i understand your feeling because i am living the same situation my mom passed away 4 yrears ago leaving fighting alone in this life empty she was my sister that i never have my best friend she was the only one without speaking she understand me my mom my dad every thing in my life i was extreamely happy i got my bacaloria exam she was too happy it was her dream to see me succeed i enterd university full of hope after two months she died she was ill by cancer i had ho that she gonna be ok but she died without speaking the two last months before her death she couldnt speak untill now i force my self to remember her voice but i cant well i know this is god s will and i should believe on this i do but the fact i found my self alone made me psychologically ill she asked me to take care of my dad my 3 brothers i am doing it but i forget my self i feel lonelly i finished my studies this year graduation but mom wasnt with as she was to do i felt depressed because of her i succeed only her sweety i am sorry ..what can i say life is not as we wish it to be i am living my life but without.......

Life and death are not opposite. Do not feel angry at her. We are all imperfect and cannot satisfy you. What can satisfy you? Accept totally her passing away and see what happens.

With compassion,

Ari

Um...I never said I was angry at her.... And I never said I didn't totally accept she passed away...

Now is the time to live the full life that your mother would have wished for you. Forgive your clueless relatives--you were a child and they should have reached out to you. Live the best life that you can and love as many people as you are able. Life is waiting for you---go out there and live it.

Aww, i didn't know this until now Soya. Sorry for your loss and i hope the grieving will atleast ease up for you!

This is one of the hardest things that you will have to go through in life. Life gets better though. It may take years or decades, but it does though, perhaps when your married, or move away from home. I lost my parents to cancer when I was 11, and 19. I was basically lost, for the first ten years, then when I was in my mid- thirties I started not thinking if my mother or father was there to do this or that for me, and it was truly up to me to take charge of my life I started getting somewhere. I went to school for a while, and I found a better job. Now that I am 46 years old I never think my mother should do this for me or my father should pay for that or even be there for me. I still miss them a bit, because I came from a very loving family, but as you can see these things take decades to get over, like divorce, or break up of a long lasting relationship. I had one of those too and my long lasting relationship took me ten years to get over, but it doesn't mean I don't want to try to love again. Now I am filled with precious memories that take what seems for ever to forget. I loved my parents with all of my heart, and although I was too young to express it to them back then, I am sure that they new I loved them dearly. At Christmas time sometimes I dream of them and they are always happy at what I have done with my life. I am sure if your mom was looking down from heaven she would be very proud of you for trying so hard at life.

From your friend lil sisy.

I've moved out of home a looong time ago, and kicked out many times as a teenager. I've been independent since she passed and have done it on my own. It's been very rough. And you're right, it might take a while, you never know, but I do believe it will be better. It'll always have its ups and downs, but the downs really do make the ups feel super refreshing and wonderful. I appreciate the super tiny good things because of all the roughness, and I'm very grateful to God for any little blessing. I'm sorry you had to lose both of them that way. I'm very glad you've fought and survived and lived. I wish you so much more joy and thank you very much for sharing that and understanding.

I am sorry that you had to learn responsibility at such an early age,and for the lose of your mother.I know that wherever she is she is very proud of how far you have come.You need to mourn your mother properly and celebrate the the good times you had sweetie,it is the only way to get that anger and frustration out of you.Pick a day and dedicate it to thinking about her,light a candle for her and talk to her as if she were there,cry all yo frustrations out and have a moment of silence for her.It might sound funny but I know you will feel better,it will help you to move on with life.You are in my thoughts and prayers.Take care and thank you for talking about it.

Thank you very much, Leblanche

sorry for tht hun... She is nowhere else.. She is with you always... in ur heart and where ever u go.. she is still watching over you... she cries whenever u cry.. she worries whenever u people worry.. All will be well oneday.. hun... am extremely sorry dear.. Things will get change soon... don't worry ma friend.. <3

Thank you very much, Natz

Im sorry to hear about your loss.I truely am and I know that it hurts.

It's alright. Not your fault, and life just is. Things just happen and we just keep living and doing and learning.

I had to gulp back tears several times while reading your letter. You are an amazing young lady. You are without a doubt the kind of quality person your mother would be pround of. Whether or not you are a person of faith; I and family will add you to our prayers. You have been blessed with insights that are profound and beautiful. Your appreciation for small things is apparent. You are a person of great character! Thank you for sharing & may God contiue to bless you and your sister always!



Proverbs 17:3

Thank you very much

Wow, julialynn, could you BE more heartless? Talking about these things helps to work out the grief! And most psychiatrists would TELL a patient to do this EXACT thing!

She's a grumpy grump who needs a nap or a cookie or both. Simple. Look at her profile, other comments, stories. It's obvious she feels bad and so she wants to lash out at others for any tiny reason. She's a bit ignorant too.

sad...agreed

You are a weirdo. How are you going to disrespect your mothers last night on earth by telling the whole world? you need a psychiatrist.

You're the odd one for thinking it's disrespectful. I've read worse stories on here. If you're so offended by people venting, then simply don't log in.
A website is not the whole world.
Well look at you telling the "whole world" about your sexless marriage and Grandma. You need a psychiatrist too. You seem very angry at the world, kiddo.
Yes, I'm a weirdo. Thank you. :]

What on earth is wrong with you? How is telling others about the loss of her mother and the effect it has had on her in any way disrespectful to her mother?

Frankly, I think you are displaying severe psychopathic tendencies by responding in this way. You are clearly the one who needs the psychiatrist. I just want you to know that, and that I have flagged your response. What a super twit!

i lost my mother on November 21st 2001 to a cardiopulmonary arrest. less than a week from my 11th birthday i couldn't cope with her loss, i endured years of bullying at school because my mom died and by the time i was 13 i was diagnosed with manic depression i had several suicide attempts and in the end i still miss her but its been about 10 years and i still wish i could say hi or to have a hug unfortunately she is gone for a very long long time i lost my world when i heard that she died.

i cant understand your loss because it hurts everyone different but i hope you feel better to know that you are no the only one.

I do feel a little better knowing you understand and have gone through similar things after she passed. I'm very sorry for your loss because I know it's painful, and it's rough without that guidance and love as you grow. I also endured bullying and confusion, suicidalness, etc...but we've grown. We've lived and survived. And we can give love to our families when we have them someday. It's a horrible experience, but it made us who we are.

HARE KRISHNA U HAVE VALID REASONS FOR THE GRIEF AND NO ONE CAN REPLACE MOTHER WHATEVER SHE MAY MEANT IN YOUR LIFE, PLEASE WAKE TO THE CAUSE SHE IS IN THE ARMS OF THE ALL MERCIFUL LORD U SAY CHRIST I FEEL WE SAY KRISHNA , PRAY ASSOCUIATE WITH DEVOTEES GO TO NEAREST TEMPLE OFHARE KRISHNA U MAY GET TO SEE THE NEW TRUTH ABOUT LIFE PERSE AND WHY BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO NICE PEOPLE LIKE U GOD BLESS

Thank you very much, god bless you too

im an older man of 59 now and although i had my parents for a longer time, i miss them both terribly and think of them every day, but theyre not lost theyre both in my heart, i see them in my children

I'm sorry for your painful loss. But it's wonderful that your children have them in them, and I'm sure your parents would have loved them and been so happy to see you being a loving parent.

I too have watched as a child of ten went out about like a light from here to there. Yes it was very fast, she had just gotten home from school and said she had a headache and her mother and father I was visiting said there was some aspirin in the bathroom cabinet. As she went in there at the end of the hall way where the adults could see her as she reached for the cabinet door she screamed and shouted that she could not see and she seem to melt to the floor in her mothers arms as she jumped up and ran to her before she stopped screaming.



I and her dad was right behind her mom. The rush was on, her dad carried her out to the car as her mom grabbed her keys and they rushed off to the hospital. I said I will follow shortly. I knew as her father carried her past me to the car she was already gone on to the other side.



That young girl, the best member of her whole family was now gone. Like at your house it all fell apart. Her Mom and Dad split up after the event in about 3 months. It was indeed a sad event to see and go through. However, as a few have said you can talk to your mom, in fact you can talk to her at anytime.



Just speak to her as you would have in person. The difference is she will answer you through your thoughts or as some say, your inner voice. She will sound complete and whole and very positive and may sound just a little different than when you knew her here on earth she will sound complete. Ask test questions if you must but she is available to you if you ask her to speak to you.



You will be surprised at how many ways they speak to us everyday if you just watch for it. It is there. As someone else here said, you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You don't have to believe me, just ask your mom has to say about that. You did say she knew you better than anyone.

Was it an aneurysm too? Such a young age for that, but I'm sure she's in a nice place. I pray her parents will be able to heal, forgive, and let go of anger. At least be on good terms with each other. Thank you very much for what you've said. I really appreciate it.

So young to loose your mother, and my heart feels for you.

Unfortunately we can not pick families, like we do friends, and sometimes it is lucky for us that we don't.

I'm sure your mother has been your guiding light in your life, she has helped you with your siblings, and from your post, you are well educated, it comes across strong.

As for not visiting your mothers grave, I can understand that too. I lost my youngest son 12 years ago and now we have moved 3 hours away, so the visits are far and few between... I have a photo of my son on a pottery jug, it hangs outside my kitchen window, I see it everytime I am at the sink, I place a fresh flower there too, tell him my thoughts daily so I feel he is with me, all good things come through him, I'm sure you could feel close to your mother too if you do something like this... believe me it helps.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I know it must have been the most painful thing ever. I'll try that. Thank you very much and I wish you and your family the very best. Lots of love and recovery. &lt;3 He'll always been with you all.