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My mother passed when I was 10 on Easter after dinner from a brain aneurysm.

It's something I never talk about, but seeing as today would have been her birthday I've just been thinking.

I was just about to go hug her goodnight when it happened. I remember all her screaming. I remember her asking us to help her but what could we do? Then she accepted it and asked God to take her into his hands. It went by so fast. My sister was 7 months old and I was forced to immediately step in to take care of her since my dad was busy with his job and no one wanted to help us.

It's been 8 years and the hole her death's created will always be the same size and depth. No amount of tears will ever express how painful her absence is. When she died a part of me did, and I'll never be truly okay. Of course I've been going on living, but there'll always be that emptiness. I've been cold since her death. I can smile and feel happy, but it's not the same. She was my sun. I always knew she'd die eventually and accepted that fact, but I wish she didn't go the way she did. I would've felt a little better if she'd gone when my sister was an adult, not an infant.

She was my best friend. I remember one time I told her that and she told me "I'm not supposed to be your bestfriend, I'm supposed to be your mother" but she was. She was and will be the only person on earth to have really known me. She'd always know what I loved, what I hated, how I'd think, how I'd react. When others couldn't get why I was acting the way I was she would. If I needed advice she had the best. She was my only "real" parent since my dad was hardly around, and since she's died I've felt like an orphan.

I have some resentment towards her, though. She wasn't perfect. Who is? She had her issues, we had our fights, she had her bitchy-ness, made crappy decisions, and as much as I loved (and still love) her I'd never wanna be anything like her and get irritated when people say they see her in me.

I have my reasons.

But I still love her more than I've ever loved anyone else.

Despite her flaws she was a good mother. She was very loving, knew how to raise kids, and I wish that she was still around for my brother and sister. I feel that if she was things would be better for us all. After her death everything sort of fell apart more.

It upsets me how ****** up our so-called "family" was after her death. It upsets me that at the funeral they all made touching speeches about how they'd help us through it all because they loved us, yet once it was all done they deserted us and never even called. They had the nerve to criticize my father when he was trying his best, and the nerve to criticize me for falling behind in school because I was too busy watching my sister and caring for my autistic brother.

It upsets me that no one ever considered how I felt. I didn't cry over her death for 3 years. Once she died everything went numb and no grief was able to be expressed, mostly because I was so busy caring for my siblings and still in shock. And once it finally hit me I expressed it through anger, and instead of being understanding my supposedly "caring" family just shunned me. It was hard growing up without her. I was alone with no one else to turn to. I had to figure it all out on my own. There's so many things I wished I could have asked her.

I haven't visited her grave in a long time because I've been living far. And when I lived closer I still didn't visit much because I tried to pretend she never existed to ease the pain.

But now I do. Hopefully soon I'll be able to travel there.

Every year I remember how when I was 6 I'd always tell her I'd be an astronaut, buy her a house, car, flowers, and make a vase to put them in 'cause I loved her. I'm no astronaut, never will be. Can't buy her a house, or a car, but I can still get her flowers. It's not the same when she's not here to put them in water, though.
PeachesNScreams PeachesNScreams 18-21, F 37 Responses Jul 21, 2011

Your Response


Everything will come out alright.

Thank you very much

ezekiel37 has said it all, but there is one thing that I will add. Close your eyes and think of your Mum and she will appear in your thoughts. She is still there with you and NO-ONE can take that away. Make her proud of you. I know you are angry that you think she has left you, who wouldn't be? But close your eyes and she is there. Talk to her, Think what her answers would be to you and you will become whole. We never know when we will be called to leave, but I am sure that your Mum is watching you. Just because she is not here physically, does not mean she is not there. Have you ever thought how far the light shines from a lightbulb? Does it stop at the walls that contain it, or does it shine out further? Your Mother was a beacon in your life, so please don't let her light go out , just because you cannot see how far she shone.

Take care and live a life that she would be proud of......... After all you are her child and you carry her wonderful life in your genes within you. It is her strength that has carried you, when you might have given up. She has passed her wonderful mothering on to you. So Bless You for the caring you have done from an early age and congratulate yourself for doing so. Life throws up some really hard challenges sometimes, but I am sure your Mother would be proud at the way you have dealt with them.

God bless

Thank you very much, Jen. <3 I really appreciate your words of comfort.

I’m sorry for your loss you have a very touching story. The only words that I can think of right now are that your mom is in a better place. As for you just the fact that your still alive is reason to celebrate her life, you see we all live once and we all die once. How we live our lives it all depend on us, I believe that through your pain and life’s experiences you could make a difference in someone’s life. We all have a story to tell, I also have suffered much pain in my life but I’ve learned to use that pain and bad in my life by turning it around and using it to help other with familiar stories. My prayers are that God may hear your cry today and fill that void that you have, you see we all have that void and no matter what you have in life or what you don’t have. Everything will amount to nothing if that void is still there, because I have learned a long time ago that Jesus is the only one that is able to fill that emptiness. God Bless….

Thank you very much, Ez. Yes, we live once and die once. I do try my best to just enjoy life, and I know it's what she wanted when she passed. I'm very thankful my siblings are happy and well. My mother went, but God was always there and helped me survive tough times. I would have gone mad if it weren't for him. God bless you too. :] I hope that you'll continue to grow and feel joy and help others.

I have lost both parents and it is always hard. When my dad passed relatives who never bothered to visit showed up acting like they gave a damn,but were always spiteful before..A family is like a human body except there is always more than one a** hole

Ha. I like that saying, and it's so true.... I'm sorry you went through that also. All the bad experiences with crappy relatives did make me value my siblings more and I never wanna be stupid like that. I hope you'll continue to heal from your loss.

The love of your mother is with you and that is a great gift. No matter what challenges life gave you, her love has remained with you. She never forgot she was a mother first.

Yes, a part of you died when she died but also a new part was born. A part of her started to live in you. So, the love this beautiful person had is travelling through you now. Perhaps one day that love will travel through your children and their children and so on, timeless love, journeying in this Universe long after when we are gone. What a beautiful legacy, the love she left in you.

I wish you peace, joy, and good health in your journey.

Thank you very much. Although her time with me and my siblings was short, she did give us a lot of love, and I did learn how to love from her. I wish you peace, joy, and health as well. :]

Aw sweetie.

My Dad died unexpectedly when I was five.

No child should loose a parent until their old.

I know how heartbreaking it is.


I still cry sometimes.

I think I always will.

*hugs* But now you're a dad and you're there for your little angels and doing a great job. :] I know it hurts. But at least we experienced their love.

Hoping you find your **HEART** again. Believe that you can.

I will. :] Thank you, Ari.