Missing Her

My mom has been gone for more than 12 years now. It's easy to remember how long because she died 10 months before my daughter was born. We had just made a cross-country move. We stopped for a weeks visit on our way. She seemed ok, but I think she knew soMething was wrong. She was coughing in the mornings. A month and a half later, we arrived on the other coast. She called to say that she had seen a doctor, and to share the diagnosis. I flew home to spend a week. My step father picked me up at the airport. He told me about the hospice nurses visiting. I told him I wasn't ready for her to go. I hadn't had my children yet. She died just a few weeks later. I flew back for her funeral. I wrote her eulogy.

The next months were a blur. I got a job. I became pregnant. We settled into our new home with old and new friends. Our daughter was born. My neighbor told me she was the most beautiful baby she had ever seen. That meant a lot.

It's been hard. Parenting is hard. No one came to help when my baby was born. No one gave me advice. No one told me I was doing a good job or how wonderful my child was. My husband travels. I was alone.

Sometimes I have felt so angry with her for leaving me, for not helping me, for never coming to visit me.

My daughter is changing. She has already changed from a baby into a child. Now she is changing into a woman. I miss all the experiences we could have had. There is such a terrible longing for what might have been, for what is supposed to be. My children missed out on that wonderful intergenerational experience and one that one other person who would love them and know them and care about them. So much joy we could have had together. A rich life it would have been if we could all be together. Lately, my grief seems worse. For a long time, I ignored it. But it is weighing on me. It waxes and wanes, but lately, it's heavy. I wish someone would ask me about it. For friends that knew me, it's so long ago. I have a close friend whose father just passed. I'm not any better. I barely know what to say to her. How do you console someone who has lost the person who has cared for them forever? As mothers, we must keep caring for our children while missing the one who cared for us. If I could only take her for granted one more time! I wish that she would visit me in my dreams. She rarely does. Just a few times in these 12 years. But I remember her bitter sweetly in my waking.
jordanmom jordanmom
41-45, F
29 Responses Sep 21, 2011

Useful stories<br />
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My mom was diagnosed with an early onset of dementia/alzheimers when she was 63 and I was 28. My Son was 3 and my daughter was 2. She suffered this horrible disease for 8 long years and died at the age of 71. To hear you describe not knowing her as a grandmother and her not knowing you in the here & now as a mother is how I have always felt about my own experience. It has deeply saddened me to know that my children have never really had that grandparent experience with my parents. (My father passed away 2 years before my mom from an aortic anyeurism. - Totally unexpected!) So I did the visit to the cemetry a few times - not my thing. Then I decided that on their birthdays and holidays and any day that i really needed to have a one on one talk with either of them I would simply take a walk or find a quite place in the house and have my talk with them. Telling them about my life, kids accomplishments and fears too. This helped me as I began to see in my thoughts how much they had already instilled in me to be a strong and good mom and woman. Still to this day and I am 49 now... I have my talks with mom & dad. Still to this day I wish they could see my kids on their important "firsts". My son will be 25 & just bought his first brand new car - I had to have a private talk with dad to tell him how proud he would be of my boy! My daughter who is just barely 23 moved to NYC - we live in MO - to pursue her fashion career and I had my talk with mom about how independent my daughter was and thanked her for helping me to instill in my girl that independence. I also asked her to help me be strong as I was now going through yet another change that would forever define my family with a daughter living 17 hours away from me and our mother/daughter story will not be the one I had dreamed of - shopping, dinners, etc... instead it will be email, photos, and a handful of visits a year. Life is not always what we imagined it would be. But we need to make the most of our lives all of the time. We need to always remember those we loved and share them with the family we have through stories, pictures, videos and our happy memories. It is a deep pain that we all share when our parents pass on - no one can replace them & the pain is really unexplainable to anyone who has not lost their parents. But the rest of us - we get it...but we also know it is best to keep moving and doing the things that they taught us which were their gifts to us as their children! Best of luck to you as you continue to work through your grief. Your mother will always be be beside you and even if she is not in the dreams you remember she is there when the sun shines on your face with warmth and when the wind swirls past you and your senses are reminded of a floral fragrance that she liked. Take Care!

My Mother passed away Dec. 23, 2007 at my home. I miss her so much. It feels like she passed away yesterday. I was employed in the Dept. Of Corrections. My sister called me from Mississippi ans stated that our Mother was sick. I thought she was just sick, but was going to get well. I called home everyday to check on my Mother. As i found out she was getting sicker, I decided to Retire from the Dept. of Corrections. I went home to Mississippi to take care of my Mother. Because this is where she lived. When I arrived home our Mother was just laying in bed all time. I got her up and dressed her and took her to many places she hadn't been for a long time. I made sure I cooked her meals everyday. 3 or 4 meals aday The food she always cooked when I was growing up as a kid. I made sure she took her medicine everyday. Also made sure she didn't run out of her meds. I was sick seeing my mother that way. She has always been an active person, even until about a month before she passed away. I made sure the home was clean and tidy Made sure she was clean and changed clothes everyday. I was so happy to do this for my Mother. It was time for us to take care of her. I enjoyed it. I had to return to IOWA for awhile to take care of some business. My sister and Brother that live in Mississippi was working at the time. Someone had to keep things going. But i was at the stage where I could retire, and I did,.I took our Mother back to IOWA with me. She wanted to go, because she knew she would be with someone at all times.. When we arrived in IOWA.. my sister who lives in IOWA and I took care of our Mother. The Doctors kept trying to put her in a nursing home. But we was not going to let that happen. I t was rough , but we made it. Took care of her until the end. I felt as if I had lost everytrhing, I didn't want to go on living anymore. As I watched our Mother go out that door on a stretcher, I just wanted to go with her. I wanted to be dead too. The sadest part is when she took her last breath, I SAID TO HER COME ON MOMA, OPEN YOUR EYES ONE MORE TIME .But she didn't it was her time to go. When GOD calls your love ones home, it is a hurting thing. But too we all must realized GOD has a day for all of us, we don't know when, where, or how. We flew our Mother home to Mississippi on the plane as we was driving down that long lonely many miles interstate to see the last of our Mother. We drove in the deepest of snow and ice to get there. But we knew we had to go. My mother was buried on Jan. 1st. NEW YEARS DAY. When Christmas or New Years Day it becomes sad to me, because this is something I'll never forget. As i sit here and type this, My heart is feeling lonely, and I become Teary eyed. My Mother was a good woman to all people on this earth. She would take strangers in and give them a place to stay and feed them. She would let no one go hungry. My Mother was visiting me in Iowa in 1992 when my 16 years old baby son was murdered by a drive-by shooting. My Mother was getting ready to go back home to Mississippi. My son was also flown to Mississippi to be buried on the 4th of July. My Mother came back to Iowa and stayed with me for 4 0r 5 more months. That's what a Mother does for her child. I'll say to everyone who has a Mother, please treat her with love... MOTHERS ARE SPECIAL.

I'm sorry to read about your mom........my mom died this past summer, June 10th, 2011 and what a hard year it has been and still is. I have NO idea how I will get though Christmas with out her........Christmas will never be the same. Although I'm not a mother, i can still relate to your pain you feel. I sometimes felt that it is unfair that my mom had to be the first among her many siblings in her family to die. Even her youngest brother who smokes probably two packs of cigarettes a day is still alive. And my mom being the most out going and inspirational person anyone could imagine and how much I've taken her for granted in my younger years just bears grief of her being one. I have no grandparents and no mother, yet, I do see the positive out of this such as having family members always reach out to me, friends an neighbors. The feeling of this loss..........will never go away but I only hope dealing with it will become easier. It will force me to grow up very quickly and not depend on a mother to tell me how things should be done. I wanted her to stay around at least a few more years so she could see my nieces grow up. As much as I HATE to admit this but things happen for a reason, a reason we cannot really comprehend until maybe much much later in our lives. I've maybe seen her twice in my dreams also but it's sad to think about her and knowing that I will never have a real conversation w/ her and all the things I wanted to say to or or even ask her. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things. i guess the best way to look at it in a positive way is that she was there in your child hood and in your teenage years when mother's are so important to our development. And the short time of her being in my life as a young adult is a blessing but it does not take away the fact that I miss my mother too. My only comfort is to confide in those that are close to our mothers and to embrace that or be around those who have very caring characteristics that were similar to your mom's.

Your story and quite a few are very similar in that as painful as it is for us to loose such a wondeful person as our mother.. God always seems to have things worked out.. Like for myself my granddaughter was born 3 months after my mother passed from stage 4 lung cancer.. And as painful as that was it was a bitter sweet moment when she was born and helped me take my focus and pain and completely love on this baby. I'm sorry for your loss. We all have something in common.. We miss someone very deeply. I hope you take some comfort that you will see her again someday. Blessings.. Wooglie

i know how you feel i lost my mom this year in march she passed unepexcdiley and i am having a very hard time with it my son is grown and i know ishould be there for him but it is very hard. i am at a loss i feel like i have a empty hole right in the middle of my chest. i lost my dad when i was 19 yrs old i am 46 now. i feel like a orphan since i lost both of my parents now.

Thank you for saying it gets easier. I'll be glad if it ever does. Right now, I'm a total mess. I'm very sorry about your Mom. At least I got to keep mine for 50 years. God bless.

hi,i lost my mom when i was 9yrs old two days before my birthday ,46yrs ago and i still miss her loads,you never get over it you just learn to live with it,good luck it does get easier ,

Thank you for writing this. My Mom died 1 week ago tonight, and I am just an emotional wreck. It was totally unexpected. She was 83 and unwell, in rehab recovering from hip surgery, and I was planning to bring her back home with me in the next several days. I was shocked senseless when rehab called and said she'd gone full code and could not be revived. Her funeral was this past Friday. I can barely function. Thank God Mom was a saved Christian. I know she went to Jesus. I pray that everyone here who's hurting from losing someone can have God ease that pain, for nothing hurts as bad as this.

Consider that maybe she going away might have spured this feeling of consciousness. You would never know what might have been had she continued to be around. Peace.

I know exactly what you mean Jordan. I lost my mom almost 8 years ago and I the void has never been filled. The worst was my wedding day. I needed advice on the dress, the jewelry, the shoes, the hair, the tiara, I was so lost. I ended up designing my own dress and just going with instinct. My husband told me to take his mother to all my trials and to sort my shoes but it's just not the same. <br />
<br />
Then came the pregnancies, I needed my mom to share the excitement. It was tough. I needed my mom when I had both the miscarriages. When I had to go to the gynaec. Again my husband told me to take his mom but it;s not the same.<br />
<br />
When I told my mother-in-law that we were having a baby her first statement was "When are you going to give us money?" I was stumped. When I told my father in law we lost the baby he said it was cuz we don't go to Church. I missed my mom, I wanted her to tell me everything was going to be okay. <br />
<br />
It's just not the same with in-laws. No matter how awesome the in-laws are no one will ever love you the way a mom did and no one will ever know you the way a mom did. <br />
<br />
It's a tough void to fill indeed. At least now all I get is "you look just like you mom, your sense of humor, your laugh, the way you talk, the gestures just seem to scream her name." I guess that's one way of keeping her close. <br />
<br />
I feel your pain. :'(

Hi,<br />
<br />
I received the beginning of your story in my email and decided to log in to read it. I wasn't sure who you were missing, but I just took a large photo of my mom from between the bookcase and placed it behind me where I can see it. I lost my mother in November and my father-in-law in December and my kids, twins were born in January. <br />
<br />
It is quite sad, and sometimes the children mention that they are sorry that they did not get a chance to meet their grandmother and grandfather. My mother is my great aunt, who adopted me at 6 days old because my mother was very young when she gave birth to me. <br />
<br />
I miss her, but I carry with me lifelong lessons that she taught me. I lost a cousin, her natural son by drowning, 43 years ago, and he still comes to mind. To me, once someone has been in my life and are of such importance, they're never really gone, only physically. Every ime I think of them I conjure up their spirit and they're right there with me.<br />
<br />
You see, I believe that life is cyclical, and though the body perishes, the energy and vibration of the spirit and soul is everlasting. I hope that you find peace in realizing that she's always with you, and that every thought is a reincarnation of her spirit.

I can feel your pain. I lost my dad 23 years ago when I was only 18. I had just had my son that May and he died in September. He had cancer. It was a long grueling 3 months since the doctor had only given him 24 hrs to live. I can remember the day he died as well as the day before. I watched in amazement as he held my son and played with him on his bed. The next day he was gone. It was especially sad because it was my oldest brother's birthday. I had just walked out of his room when he took his last breath. I miss him terribly and wish he was still here to be with my mom and us kids. She misses him terribly and as her health is deteriorating I see her and hear her talking to his picture alot and it is a reality reminder that she will too be gone and will be with him soon. Although I will miss her I cannot wait for her to see her love once again and it makes me smile and cry at the same time to think how happy she will be when they are together.

When I read your storey my heart went out to you. My mom died(cancer) an hour before my daughter was born, 11 years ago. That day was the best day of my life and at the same time the worst day. I feel cheated that she never got to hold her grandchild in her arms.<br />
I think I pushed the grief down and didn't want to deal with it.I feel like I could have written the last few paragraphs of your storey! Grief has a funny way of just sneaking up on you. I miss having all the advice she could have given me or being just a phone call away.My daughter will do something that is so like my mom and it makes me smile~but sad at the same time. There is no one like a mom and I miss her everyday. <br />
Some days I feel strong (not doing all the "what if's"),some days I am angry that she is not here. Others, just sad that my daughter never got to have a wonderful grandmother in her life. <br />
If you ever feel like talking,please contact me

Jordanmom your story moved me to tears, it's 8 years since my Mum passed away, and I have recently lost my Dad (27/7/11). You do feel totally alone. I have been married for 18 years and have 2 beautiful daughters. But now I've no parents alive, I feel like a lost little girl again. Unless you have lost someone who was your world, no-one can comment on the pain you feel. But blaming yourself and your Mum for all you've missed together is a fruitless exercise. I feel like my Mum has missed so much from my daughters lives, with my girls being so young when she passed. My eldest was 10 and my youngest was 3. My eldest is now 18, now an adult. I can remember so clearly my 18th and how me and Mum shared it together. And kept thinking how amazing my daughters 18th would have been with her Gran in her life. Then my Dad passed away, just before my youngest started high school. He didn't get to see her in her new school uniform. I think back to how Dad was with my eldest, when she started high school, and how much he and my family are missing out on. It is so unfair, I ask everyday why they had to take both of my parents. BUT you can't live your life thinking what might have been. You need to honour your Mum, by becoming the best Mum you can be. And even though she's not physically there, she's still in your heart, and will never leave you. I know it's not what we want, we want our parents back with us. But as hard as it is, and believe me, you can't imagine the pain I'm feeling just now. You need to live your life as best as you possibly can. Think back to what your Mum would have said, if she could see you now. I'm sure as most Mums would, she would be heartbroken to see you living half a life. I don't say this to seem cruel, but I know that I have to try and carry on living, and Jordanmom so do you. I will keep checking back in, if you want to talk I will try to help ease your pain. That way we can help each other. Take care x

i am envious of all those who had mums who so obviously loved them...i didnt..both my parents were dysfunctional, my father was incestuous, my mother emotionally unavailable and highly critical. i grew up with such extremes i didnt know how to relate to others as i was so removed from myself...always watching others to see how i should be..... fortunately i didnt have children as i dont believe i would have been a particularly good parent myself....we learn what we are taught and how we are taught. for my wellbeing i severed links with the family because apparently i was always "upsetting" them. this included my mum, i do love her but it appears she didnt reciprocate, particularly after i disclosed about my father and he suicided. not a day goes by that i dont ask god to take care of her, i live in dread of having to face when she eventually dies. maybe she has already, i do not know. so i envy all of you who have such treasured memories....and i ask god for forgiveness for i dont know anything but envy.

I was 26 when I lost my mom. My daughter was born 10 months later, just like yours. I, too, miss her. I didn't have motherly advice given to me while raising my children. I thought 26 was old enough to not need a mom. I was wrong. She was 54 when she died.<br />
Now, I am 57. I thought losing my mom was the worse thing that could ever happen to me. I was wrong. I lost my sister in 2003 to cancer (like my mom). That was harder. She was 4 years older and she took up the motherly role to me. I lost my dad 2 years ago. That was very hard. I grieved for my dad, my sister and my mom at the same time. It all hit me. I had my dad until he was 86 so I knew him so much better than my mom. My kids are in their 30s now and I talk to them almost daily. They live 8 hours away so I only get to see them a couple 3 times a year. I feel like an orphan now that my dad is gone. I have a younger brother who lives by me and we visit<br />
. My older brother stopped talking to me completely the day my dad died. I have no idea why. We were never close. He bullied me during my childhood horribly. Even as an adult he had no respect for me. We would have Thanksgiving together and he and I wouldn't say one word to each other and no one noticed. That went on for years but I talked to him once in a while. His loss is what I think.<br />
I cry often about my sister and my dad. Not so much anymore about my mom. That's been decades ago. I smoke and worry I will get cancer and die and my kids will lose out on having a mother around. Smoking is so hard to stop. I know what it does to people. I've quit for a year a few times but I can't make it stick. Even making my kids grow up without a mom doesn't make me quit. I have anxiety and panic attacks and if I quit smoking, I'd be a mess.<br />
I lost my dog 4 years ago. I held him while they put him down. He screamed when the medicine to put him down hit his heart. Then they kept touching his eyeball to see if he was dead for sure. Horrible experience. I cry for him the most. Isn't that crazy?

hi <br />
i just talked to my sister and had another good cry. it seems <br />
like mom is the one we look forward too for all the right things<br />
to be said. my youngest son and his wife are expecting and my<br />
first thought was that mom wouldn't be here to see it.<br />
my oldest son said she would see it from above i realize that just not the <br />
same. i so much wish i could call mom and talk with her just have to talk<br />
to the sky. up until the last few months i still had hopes of mom walking<br />
to the garden with me,harvest season canning to do. i'm canning by <br />
myself now oh the memories ! as one of the others told me <br />
please stay strong. it doesn't seem fair but mom even said God<br />
doesn't want just bad people . my mom truely was my best friend.<br />
lost mom 6 weeks ago next sunday.

Your Mom wants you to be happy...be strong and do what you have to, for yourself and your child...she's watching and she's waiting for you to do the right thing...I don't think she's concerned about the issue of divorce, but your happiness. I believe that.

My little mom just died too She was only 4' 10. . She died on August 10. I was helping taking care of her when she came home to die with hospice. Prior to that she was in the hospital since early June. She was diagnosed with bladder cancer, had a stroke and died a slow, painful death. <br />
<br />
She was a survivor she was orphaned at age three. She was one of eleven children, all but four died. Ages 2, 3, 7 and 13. She was a survivor. She married had five children. <br />
<br />
We always would laugh at her silly sayings, mixed up English and her European accent. I guess some of the stuff she said in mixed company was embarrassing at the time, but we laugh at it now. She always fed everyone and gave everyone advice, whether they needed it or not. <br />
<br />
While I was taking care of my little mom (out of town, I found out my husband has been soliciting sex online, having sex with anyone. He battered me, and tried to batter my teen, shortly after her death and now I am seeking a divorce. <br />
<br />
Everyday, I get the same thought and start to cry. Everyday I think, how am i gonna explain all this awful stuff to mom? She does not believe in divorce. Then, I cry hoping she sees everything the scumbag has done and is doing. I miss her so very much. I hope she understands. I have to be strong like her, only in a different way and under different circumstances.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I too, lost my mom right before my first son was born. She died Nov 24th, 2006, and my son was born Dec. 21, 2006. It was soooo hard...Next month will make it a whole 5 yrs without her.You know I got my mom cremated and released her ashes in a pond near my home. Every day we pass that pond and I would tell my (now) two little boys that their grandma is there. (her spirit) and her spirit is watching us grow. I didn't have anyone to help with my boys either, no one to go to for advice. I use to talk to her every Sunday, just to hear her voice. My boys act as if they knew her. They know what she looks like and how she was. You know, "njeege" said it correctly, your mom's spirit came back in your daughter, as mine did in my son. If you need to talk more let me know....this is a pain that will be with us forever. Just know that, your mom is watching over you just like mine is. That seems to help me through the painful moments missing her.

she is "your daughter".look up the sky n see the blessing you had when your mom was with you, that she came back only ten months later.<br />
mothers really never go forever.

Lost my mom 2 years ago. We are lucky to have had such great moms that we miss them so much. Our gift to them is the life we create in their honor as a testament to their greatness.

You're totally right, we should make a good life and make them proud of us.

You can't think about the what if in life, obviously your mom ment alot to you as anyone's mom would do but it's not what she'd have wanted but it happens you can't blame her or anyone else. Just do everything you wanted to do with your mom with your kid and always let it know that it's loved and always will be

You can't think about the what if in life, obviously your mom ment alot to you as anyone's mom would do but it's not what she'd have wanted but it happens you can't blame her or anyone else. Just do everything you wanted to do with your mom with your kid and always let it know that it's loved and always will be

May be it is a very new .. my mom died 9 months ago last January .. she was il and died in the intensive care .. I always see she is power... for me as aman i had to be like my dad but she has and still has a big influence inside my personality ... she is the powerfull woman I will ever meet

Dear Missing her,<br />
Dear sweet little girl of mind, your mom is right next to you, you need to stop and smell the roses, remember all the sweet things that your mom taught you, she is teaching you now as your baby grows. Remember the traditions that she instilled in you, remember her fondly in your memories.<br />
Mom and Dad don't take parenting 101 before they have babies, just like you and your husband did not seek out parenting 101 when you started having them. My dad died when i was 4, mom was independent and never remarried. She was tough on me, but after she passed, i started visiting the cementary to visit, and then as time got in the way, i decided she was in the seat next to me, if I cared to listen. So listen to your mom, as she is still there, right next to you. Smiling and telling you what a wonderful mother you are and will be to your kids as she was to you.<br />
God Bless,<br />

My Mom died 17 years ago and just last week I thought I'd call her up and talk...then I remembered she was dead. Just came back from 'up north'(MN) and went to the cemetery and places we spent as children every summer...my siblings don't understand I will have no closure...how does one? My mother had a hard life and an even harder one with my father...she suffered in the end...and yes, I'm told (all the time!) life isn't fair...and to get on with my life. I have (after a mental breakdown 2 weeks after she died...I was her caregiver), but I miss her more and more as I get older. I still am going through her belongings, because it is so hard to throw anything away that she touched. I'm wearing her pajama top now! Perhaps, I feel guilt because I wasn't the best daughter ( a rather checkered past) and I know she was disappointed in my choices...but I got clean at least for her to see that. Never married (fell in love with someone not white and there was a lot of bitterness on both sides, gave her no grandchildren...but I loved her. My siblings (all stand-outs!) gave her those 'respectable' things...but I was there to wash and feed her and sleep with her while she was dying. I have that, yet....

Your story caught my attention because I lost my Mom 12 years ago too. I miss her all the time. I have had other losses but losing my Mom was the hardest thing in my life because she was really my best friend all of my life. It was so painful a loss I couldn't bear to remember and avoided thinking about it for the first 5 years. I've noticed in the past few years, that I'm thinking about her without as much pain and I'm talking about her more. I try to remember everything that was good and important to me about my Mom and I never think about what might have been. I guess I just think it is a waste of time. I am fortunate that I have a wonderful husband who cares deeply for me and three great kids. And I focus on trying to be all I can be to them. it's not easy but I do the best I can. <br />
<br />
I have started a journal to record stories about my Mom and a collection of 'sayings'. She had a LOT of sayings and I miss that, because the rest of us don't seem to do that the way that she did. i have not yet gone through the old family home movies and I am still avoiding doing it because I'm afraid of how painful it will be. But I'm getting older and it is something I want to do for myself and for my kids. So I better get on the ball. <br />
<br />
My Mom was an amazing person and I remind myself of the example she set for me all the time. <br />
When I find myself having a hard time and struggling with something, I have tried to think of how my Mom would view my situation. What would she say to me? I know that she would always accept me in any situation I find myself in and was always on my side and proud of me. So I comfort myself with that reminder. <br />
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My saddest thoughts now are whenever I think of how my own children will feel when they lose my husband and I and I so hate the thought of them being alone in the world without us to look out for them. They are grown at this point, but they always need you. So I try to pay attention to living a long life. Taking care of ourselves. I appreciate your writing how you have been feeling because it reminds me to renew my commitment to these important goals, rather than being distracted by the immediate and the urgent. I hope that you can find some peace and accept your Mom's absence and hold on to the good that was there when she was with you and keep that alive for you and your children. She would want you to be happy and cared for and I hope you can do your best to find that for yourself and your family. Good luck to you. :-)

Someone said in an earlier post to think about all the good things your mother did. I think that is such a good thing to do, it not only shows appreciation for your mother but reinforces the positive of her life. We often wish things were different and make ourselves feel bad, appreciating all the wonderful things she did do I think is more constructive. I will take the previous posts advice myself because my mother is gone and I miss her. I do believe thinking about her good points and her advise will help ease the lose and honor her instead of concentrating on my unhappiness.

Sounds like your mom raised you to be independent. You were on opposite sides of the country. You could've visited her more too, not to put on the guilt. I have a daughter, and we used to be so close, I raised her alone for 24 years, and she always had everything but a dad, but you know, she tells me i'm bossy, that Its always about me......he abuses me verbally. I love her, but sometimes we are too much the same to live in the same house. I miss what we had, its not too late for me. But sometimes I feel like if I died tomorrow, it would not matter, just how much money I left her. I guess losing a dad, and not having the perfect life, almost perfect, but I lost my job 3 years ago, and have not recovered, so she blames me..........hates me........will she one day miss me too. I hope so. I miss her now