Miserable Beyond Words

My mother passed away on june 27 this year, after a two year battle with ovarian cancer. The last five months of it in terrible pain due to several unusual complications. She had a sensitivity to antibiotics, they made her terribly sick to the stomach, also she was unable to tolerate many of the stronger opiate pain killers. As a result she ate very little for the last few months of her life, was always sicking up or nautious, and in unbearable pain very often. I watched her die by inches as she shriveled to less than 80 pounds and there was not a thing I could do about it. This woman was my rock all my life. When she and my father split when I was in grade three, and we had nothing, she wore her clothes to rags, to have the money to dress me like the other little boys. It was just me and her, and I don't know how she managed but she made sure that I had all the experiences a kid should have. Twice to disneyland at 10 and 15 yrs.old, camping trips, swimming and other summer outings. A real godsend to a sensitive and only child like I was. I lived with her for the last few years to help her through her fight, but I could never do enough to repay her. Watching her go through this illness, seeing the fear in her eyes and being totally helpless to do anything about it has left me feeling emotionally beaten. Worse perhaps was doing this vigil alone and now being a family of one. I'm now a forty year old orphan. By god how I miss her. Its almost three months now, and I do have some good days, but on the bad ones I'm quick to tears often in embarrasing places. It has been the worst experience of my life, and I just don't know how to go about picking myself back up.
zigzzagz zigzzagz
6 Responses Sep 25, 2011

I am so sorry for your loss zigzzagz, I too lost my Mum to cancer. She died 8 years ago last month, at the young age of 55. Everyday I try to be the woman she would want me to be. But I have just lost my Dad (27/7/11) , and all the old feelings, I tried so hard to lock away when Mum passed, because they were too painful, have come crashing down on me. Losing anyone to cancer is hard, but I think watching your beautiful, amazing, caring, one in a million Mum is the worse thing ever. Mum didn't last long after she was finally diagnosed, but how fast she went down hill, was scary. They gave her chemo, because she had 2 brain tumours, as well as bowel cancer, lung and liver cancer. The steroids they put her on, to help ease the symptoms of her brain tumours, made her face blow up to 3 times it's normal size. Every time I went to see her, she would cry at the "mess" she had become. And everyday I told her still was still beautiful, still my Mum. All I had to do was look into Mum's eyes to know, that even though her outward appearance had changed. She was still my Mum. And I try to think now, that her outward appearance has changed, because she's no longer with us. But she's still here, watching how we are trying to live our lives, the best we can without her. She had too much love for us, to leave us completely. And that's the only word of advice I can give you, talk to her in the same way as you did before, and try your best, even on the worse days to do something, even something small, that you know would have made your Mum proud. That way you can live your life, while honouring your Mum every day. Take care. x

I am sorry for your loss i lost my mom to cancer a month ago and i miss her so much i was with her when she passed and i have my good days and bad days. Every one keeps telling she is in a better place and has no more pain. But i feel like there is a empty spot in my heart for her i will start crying in the most akward places and i keep telling my self i got to keep going and keep my self busy so i dont have to think about her becuse when i do i want to cry. Before she passed she told me not to cry and she was going to be with my dad so i try not to for her but my heart hurts so much any way im sorry for your loss. Hang in there.

Awful isn't it? And it just drags on and on. I'm lucky I have such an understanding place of employment. I'm still missing about 2 out of 10 shifts. I talked to my doctor and he said a person of average good mental health will take about 6 months till they start feeling betterso I'm just gritting my teeth till then.

I Have a very understanding boss she went thru the same thing with her mother about ten years ago and i have missed alot of work to.

My heart goes out to you. I know first hand the devastation losing a mom to cancer. The horrid sight seeing her go through it. I lost my mom 17 years ago to cancer. I too was the only child and it was just me and my mom. I was 19 years old when she died. And to this day its not a moment that goes by that I do not think about her, or tell her that I love her. There will be good days and there will be bad, but consider your self blessed to have had your mother well into your adult years. Personally that is what keeps me going is to know that my mom loved me sooo much and I pray to be able to be in that love again. The pain will subside, but will never, ever go away completely. For me I just take it one day at a time...and by doing this has gotten me through these 17 years, I just hope that I am becoming the woman that would have made my mom proud. <br />
So, so sorry for your lost.

http://school-for-warriors-blog.com/love/<br />
http://www.margaretmlynch.com/video-course/tapping-video-introduction/<br />
http://lastinglove.kajabi.com/fe/15844-whats-possible-for-you-in-love<br />
<br />
You may click on the other related topics they have on the side.<br />
All are practical and only needs your hands and open heart to receive.

Thanks for your reply, and the suggested links.

Always sad to lose someone dear to us. is she in a better place now? Forgive ourselves for not letting her go and also for blaming ourselves that we should have done more, etc. she wants to see you happy and living your life , waking up smiling every morning, bright and cheerful. with passion, fabulous life. here are some practical ways to jump start your life 2011:<br />
<br />
In the law of physics, a vacuum needs to be filled again with Something (planned) or else ANYTHING(unplanned, uninvited) will creep in and park themselves there to control your thought life and then your up and down emotional roller coaster ride. It's no fun riding a roller coaster by yourself!<br />
<br />
You may click on the other related topics they have on the side.<br />
All are practical and only needs your hands and open heart to receive.<br />
<br />
You are worthy of all the love from us here<br />
and get ready for some special love coming your way now!<br />
<br />
(get your life in order=means throw away all things which bring too much sadness, wipe your slate clean, pack what you need in some semblance of order so yo can quickly find what you need even if you need to label them, give away what u don't need, share with the neighbours, visit the children's ward in a hospital during visiting hours)

Thanks for your reply. Actually, some of what you wrote are things that I tell to, and remind myself of every day.

I'm sorry for the terrible suffering you've had to endure losing your mother that way.<br />
If I was speaking to you face to face I would try to encourage you to move forward in the only way I know.<br />
I lost my son in July from an accidental overdose.<br />
I had no control over the situation, only my faith.<br />
He did'nt belong to me, but I had him in my life for a short period of time.<br />
The main thing for me was that he was prepared to meet with GOD, by giving me the assurance that he had put his faith in GOD before his departure.<br />
And I have had peace knowing that he is gone to a better place because GOD made the promise.<br />
All the best to you!

Thank you for taking the time to reply here, and I'm awful sorry to hear about the loss of your son. At least my mom had most of the life that would have been allotted to her at 76, though she was otherwise very healthy. To outlive your child though.... That I just can't imagine.