More And MoreI miss my mom. She passed away in November, and I always said she was my hero. She had cancer before I was even born, and due to complications from the treatment, she was in and out of the hospital my whole life. But she never. once. complained. NEVER. She always had a smile on her face, even with the long list of complications that were constant reminders of what had happened.
My mom raised myself and my siblings to be independent and to never feel sorry for ourselves. How could we feel sorry for ourselves when she had battled so much more just to be there for us? We always made the most of every day because of her. Picnics during a long lunch break from her work, or sledding in our backyard after she left work early, or a special night full of our favorite homemade foods and a movie together.
I guess with all her complications, I shouldn't have been surprised when I got the call in November to get to the hospital. That was pretty routine, I'd gotten that call many times before, and always came in to see her smiling face telling me to get back home, she had work to do (from her hospital bed, she still worked!) But this time it was different. The urgent sound of my dad's voice made me drop everything and rush as quickly as I could. My husband and I got to the hospital and she was already unconscious. I spent the next three days next to her side with my family, and if there was any blessing in those few days, it was that we could be with her when she passed away and whisper how much we loved her as she took her last breath.
Now I learn to deal with life on earth without her. I was fortunate enough to have her as long as I did, but I'm in my 20's and still have so many questions for her. I forgot to ask her so many things. Every holiday passes as our first without her, and with Mother's Day approaching, it'll be the last big day without her until the anniversary of her going to Heaven. Then I'll have kids and I'll be reminded daily of how much I miss her... I had such plans for us, as did she. She loved seeing her other little grandkids (my brother's kids) and baking with them, the picnics with them, all of our favorite traditions. I kick myself for waiting to have kids as long as we have, since now they'll never get to know her in person, they'll never understand her quirky sense of humor and why I am the way I am.
I miss my mom. I miss being able to call her for every question, no matter how dumb it was, and having her laugh and give me her answer. I catch myself so many times ready to pick up the phone to call, and now I have a list of unanswered questions floating in my head because no one else would understand my random questions. I catch myself crying because I see a beautiful sight I know she would have loved. I hear her favorite song, I tear up. And I kick myself for this, because we were raised to NEVER feel sorry for ourselves, and hear I sit, months later, still feeling sorry for myself and my loss. Time will heal, I know that, but for now, I just miss my mom.