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Ouch. Ouch.

my mum passed away from alcoholism on the 6th of november last year and the feelings i have are indescribable. I had a difficult story with her though, she tried to kill me when i was 7 so i went to live with my dad and she was in and out of mental institutions all the time. She would call me and say awful things, she treated me awfully. Because of all of that, i never really saw her much because when i did, we did nothing but argue. She was manipulative, selfish and generally acted like an immature child. Over the years i watched her get weaker and weaker, having nosebleeds, falling over all the time, awful things. Until one day i got the call saying she was in hospital (she lived in monte carlo at this point with a new husband) and was seriously ill because her liver had failed. i will never forget the weekend we went to see her. She didn't really know us, was too weak to lift a fork to her mouth, sitting in a dreary hospital room all by herself. At that point i thought she might get better, may have a chance - the doctors said she did. But after a few more visits, watching nurses have to change her nappies (she couldn't stand up to go to the loo) and feed her through a tube and watching her cry because she was in so much pain.....one day my dad came home and told me she had died a couple of days ago. I hadn't seen her for about 4 months, and all she ever wanted in her life was us. She had missed us to the point where apparently she was hallucinating that we were there just before she died. It didn't hit me at first because I never saw her much anyway...but now it's been long enough for me to miss her with every cell of my body. I have so many regrets i cannot possibly list every single one, but i wish id given her one last hug, been with her while she died, told her i loved her more than anything despite everything, brought her home. but i can't now and it will hurt every for every second i am alive because now i know that all the things i blamed her for, the things i was angry at her for weren't her fault, it was the alcohol. Mothers day is coming up and im a bit scared, bit worried. dont how what the future will be like but i will always keep her in it. I love you, mum ♥
HopeVTC HopeVTC 16-17 1 Response May 9, 2012

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dont feel bad. I lost my mum a few weeks ago. The last time i saw her was in November and I was only told she was in hopistal 2 days before she died. I got to speak with her - i didnt know I was going to loose her only a few days later . <br />
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I miss and love her . I can feel she is around me and i know she knows that I love her. <br />
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Alchohol is a bad drug , a demon that changes the most beautiful souls into desperate and crumbled souls. <br />
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When you are feeling lonely, speak with her , ask for her guidance, <br />
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she is at peace now and in no more pain <br />
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xxx