I Miss My Mom Even Though She's Not Gone

I KNOW MOST PEOPLE WILL ASSUME THAT MY MOM IS DEAD AND GONE WHEN I SAY THAT I MISS HER BUT SADLY THIS IS NOT THE CASE. EVEN THOUGH MY MOM IS STILL ON THIS EARTH  SHE CEASED TO BE A MOM ABOUT... 18 YEARS AGO. YOU SEE IN THE MIDDLE OF MY HAPPY CHILDHOOD MY MOTHER DECIDED THAT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA FOR HER TO TRY CRACK COCAINE. THE RESULT WAS US LOSING OUR HOME AND EVENTUALLY OUR FAMILY. I WAS FORCED TO LIVE WITH WHATEVER RELATIVE THAT WAS FEELING CHARITABLE ENOUGH TO TAKE US IN (I HAVE 2 OLDER SIBLINGS). BECAUSE OF THIS I NEVER REALLY LAID DOWN ANY ROOTS. I ALSO MISSED OUT ON A LOT OF CHILDHOOD MILESTONES: I NEVER HAD A BIRTHDAY PARTY, NEVER ATTENDED A SCHOOL DANCE INCLUDING SENIOR PROM, COULD NOT PARTICIPATE IN AFTER SCHOOL ACTIVITIES BECAUSE I WAS WORKING. AND MANY OTHER THINGS THAT THE TYPICAL TEEN TAKES FOR GRANTED. NOW I HAVE 2 KIDS OF MY OWN AND FIND MYSELF AT A LOSS AS TO HOW TO RAISE THEM. SHOULD I BE STRICT SO AS TO PREPARE THEM FOR THIS COLD CRUEL WORLD. OR SHOULD I INDULGE THEIR EVERY WHIM TO EXPERIENCE MY CHILDHOOD VICARIOUSLY THROUGH THEM? ONE THING I DO KNOW... IT SURE WOULD HELP TO HAVE A MOM TO ASK FOR ADVICE FROM TIME TO TIME.
ANGELEYEZ ANGELEYEZ
22-25, F
9 Responses Apr 11, 2007

aw. . ouch.. i am touched. my mom left us.. we are all four , her children. they were separated with my papa, since my mom has started to change and have guyz. .now they dont support us morally, even financially.. i miss them.. need advice.. huhu:) i want to finished my studies.. i felt so helpless!

Type your comment here...Dearest Child,<br />
I found your heart breaking story today while I was working at my desk. I probably shouldn't have been surfing the net, but my heart is so sad, I couldn't help myself. I am a 50 year old mother and grandmother, whose heart is so sad. I have two grown daughters; 31 and 26. I pretty much laid my life down to raise them. We didn't have much money because I wasn't able to work due to medical issues with our youngest child and actually I preferred to be home with them. I always tried to be close by them, available to meet their emotional needs, because I knew the pain of having an emotionally unavailable mother. I volunteered full time at the Christian school they attended and later home schooled them. I tried to include them into everything we did. Our home was a stopping off point for many of our family and friends. I always made huge meals, because most likely we'd always have an extra mouth or two to feed daily. My husband was a barber in the Navy, so usually folks who stopped by for a meal, often got a free haircut also. My daughters will tell you that they had fresh cookies baking in the oven for them when they got home from school and that we had full course home cooked meals every night. I don't quite remember being all that, but if they want to remember it that way, it works for me.<br />
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I loved my children and wanted them to be stable, God loving people who would grow up knowing that they were desperately loved & appreciated. <br />
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I'd love to tell you that all of my efforts were wonderfully fruitful and that we have a "happily ever after life", but I'd be lying. Here's where it's at around 20 years later; My oldest daughter pretty much rejected most every good thing that ever came her way. She is full of jealousy, anger & hate. She was diagnosed with conduct disorder & was asked to leave our home at age 17, because we could no longer live in fear of her. We reported our car stolen, only to learn after it was recovered in the projects, that our daughter "gave" it to some thugs that had spent the night with her in her bedroom the previous night.<br />
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Our youngest daughter was raped by another thug friend of the oldest daughter. Unfortunately we didn't learn about the rape until 10 years later. Our youngest daughter has chosen to cope with life by abusing Ambien.<br />
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You know, I didn't have a very good example of a mother and no grandparents to model nurturing either. But there was some wonderful things that I was thankful for spending time learning with my mother. She could make the best lemon and chocolate meringue pies and she could make quilts. My mom didn't really get into my world, but she was willing to share cooking and quilting with me. Not that I was really crazy about doing either, I was just there because I liked the part of my mom that she shared with me when I got into her world. <br />
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She was satisfied with my pie making abilities and I am so thankful that I stuck it out with her, because now I bear the crown of best pie maker, thanks to her. She died suddenly in an auto accident when I was 30 and the first thing that I was compelled to do was to sew an outfit for each of my girls. It's as though I had to prove to myself that I our sewing time together was for a good purpose too.<br />
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It's been nearly 20 years since she passed and all I can say is that I'm so Lonely in my heart. Not necessarily lonely for her, but lonely for having a nurturing, loving female, motherly, grandmotherly bond in my life. If I were a gambler, I would be flat broke because I would have put every one of my chips on 'happily ever after' with my daughters by my side, rolling out pie dough and sewing creative quilts for the less fortunate. <br />
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My daughters haven't passed either, but my heart aches as though they have. Looking back, I can honestly say that if I'd have known that it would come down to what it is, I would have never tried so hard. This is not the life I dreamed I'd ever have as a parent.<br />
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I guess that my point in writing is to let you know that as you miss your mom, this mom misses all of the missed opportunities of being able to hand down the things that I valued from my mother. I know that I can't be the only hurting, lonely woman who misses the nurturing of a mother as well as the love of a daughter. I just wish there were a way to hook up daughters who miss having a mother and mothers who miss sharing their hearts and talents with a daughter.<br />
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I feel your pain and if you were within arms reach, I'd wrap my arms around you and cry with you. And if there is any way that I can help you, I will. In the mean time, I will pray for you and for your mother too. We all need to know the love of Jesus and be made whole. It's never too late, not as long as there's breath.<br />
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I'm putting my email address out here for you or anyone else who is suffering as we are. We women need to reach out share our hearts, hurts and gifts with each other. God bless us all. jennydrew@charter.net

i am over 40, 44 exactly, and let me say giving love to my daughter is all that i think of when the sun rises and when it sets. you are real loving mom. you are asking for help. and that is what good, great mom's do. you are also in pain still and i know it is hard. i lost my dad when i was 9. i was always afraid we would lose our mommy. i am one of 5 girls. let me say forgive your mommy. she really lost her way and she was once a baby too. see her as someone that jsut lost her way. then let love guide you. i think withholding acts of love are not going to give your children condfidence cause that is really what you need in this life. yes this a cruel world, but let them have the confidence of motherly love that can come from you. hug your children, kiss them, listen to them, ask tyhem about their days, their dreams....this is more than any bunch of things or activities. i had a lot of friends that grew up with both parents and i had one and felt i had the world. i have had friends that did not have their mommy and still grow up to be loving. you are love whenyou show love to your children and forgiveness to those who hurt you. forgive your mommy so you can heal and be the best mommy for your kids.

I agree that you have to balance everything. The best way to prepare them for the cold cruel world is to say no once in a while because we all know that the future is not always full of yes. If they are young, discipline is really teaching about safety. As they get older, manners, patience and showing empathy are real important. You don't have to be strict...just be consitent. Have you ever watched that show "Super Nanny" or "Nanny 911"? Those shows are really good in terms of giving solid advice about parenting. What I learned so far, (I have an 11 yr. old and a 3 year old) is that you have to be consistent. Breakfast everymorning, lunch at the same time, dinner, etc. bath time , read book, play time, etc. pretty much the same routine every day. Kids need to know what to expect and are most comforted with structure. Anyways, like someone said, the fact that you are asking shows you are a great mom. How old are your children? Good luck and have fun with those kids!

Hello my dear: It's a really sad story, however, I wish you try to understand her addiction. I am sure she tried many time to get out of there, but was no easy for her.<br />
Now, you most feel so so happy to have your kids and love them, spend the most of the time you can with them. My personal opinion: be very stric on one hand, with the other hand be so caring,sweet attentive with them. If you are not strict now they are little ones, you will suffer later, but you must have a perfect balance,strict and loving with them. When I got widow <br />
I stop to be stric with my 3 kids,1 year old,3 years old 4 years old, all boys, then days later they didn't obeyed me because that, then my mom told me why you dont' tell nothing to the kids?you let them to do everything they want, then I asked mom, I will never be strict because now they don't have dady anymore,then mom told me, is better you cry everytime you be strict with them specially when they don't respect you, or you will cry when they grow and screaming at you.<br />
So I started again to be strict, how right she was!!! now my sons are marvelous and very respectful, and loving sons to me. Don't feel worry not to know how to rise your kids, don't think is difficult, just be strict,don't permit anykind of unrespect toward you or toward any adult, show them to say always,please, thank you,specialy between one of each other (brothers) when you will visit your friends,family, etc. and the first sentence of your little ones be hello? how are you? they will very very surprise when they will listen that kind of kids!! if you need tips for that just let me know ok?<br />
Big hug

Awww, looks like you got some good advice here sweetie. Yup, you sound like you already are a good mom.

I can relate to your story and your feelings in some ways. Though my mom was not on crack and she did die in 2005, She was an alcoholic and I missed her long before she died.<br />
My mom rarely showed any emotion, never hugged etc ... She had a bad temper and became an alcoholic when I was about 10 and left my dad when I was about 12 - Thankfully my dad was a steady person and did not drink or do drugs and I lived with him.<br />
I think my mom was narssasistic along with alcohalism and that left me with the inabilty to get close to others.<br />
I struggle daily and can relate to having such conflicting feelings about your own mother.<br />
There were times and things she did that was good but more hurt then anything and I feel so pulled in two directions to even think of her.<br />
I am 40 and never had any children of my own but i can tell you one thing, just for you to be asking for advice on how to be a good mom shows that you ARE a good mom.<br />
When I start to miss my mom and feel loss, all the hurt follows, the hurtful things she did and I just feel so confused.<br />
I feel guilt for not being able to miss her like I did when my dad died.<br />
I wish my mom could have showed some loving emotion to me at some point in her life, it would have made a world of difference to me.

Your story made me sad. I am so sorry you have had such a difficult time. I guess I never thought about how much I learned from my mom about being a mom. <br />
I know for me parenting is a balancing act. There is always a fine line between spoiling and being too strict. When I have to tell my girls "no" I try to always tell them why. Not just "Cuz I said so", but the real reason. <br />
I wish there were some way I could help you. Message me if you ever need someone to talk to.

I am sorry that you had a tough time growing up. My heart goes out to you. I am a mother of 3 grown daughters and grandmother of two.<br />
I never thought how difficult that must be, not to have a mother. As a parent I take what I liked about my childhood and tried to do the same for my kids and tried not to do what I did not like. I did the best I knew how to do. So far, so good (I think). All I ever wanted was my kids to be happy. I have no idea if how I did that was the right way. I do not think there is a right or wrong way. We just do our best. I guess you could read parenting books, just for something to give you some guidance. I tried to meet my kids needs without spoiling them rotten. I must admit, my own mother was very shy, she did not hug and I think I remember one "I love you" I think saying "I Love you" to your kids is important. Feel free to email me if you like.<br />
Cassandra