Never Really Had One

I had a woman who gave birth to me and raised me but that was the extent of it in the motherhood department. I see now that she is severly mentally ill. But growing up with her was a matter of survival and often felt like living in hell. My dad commit suicide when I was five and that was very hard on me. I had a lot of love for him though he had his problems too. He tried to protect me from her but then he just gave up. I still miss him to this day. I don't miss the person who gave birth to me. I do miss having a mother and wish I had one that loved me. I became a mother this past year and of course vowed to be a loving, nurturing mom to my twins. But it has been difficult not having that touchstone for myself. I relied on hired help after the birth and have had only therapists for emotional support. My twins will be one this week and I wish I had a mom to share this experience. I miss my mom.
angrychild angrychild
31-35, F
1 Response May 2, 2007

I have struggled with having a mentally ill mother and determining what type of mother I would be for my boys as well. My therapist said something very profound that I now truly believe. Some people are born with the parenting gene while others are not. Being raised my a parent without the parenting gene is traumatic but think of it his way, at least you have a role model of what not to be.