I Wish I Told You...

I am currently a 17 year old girl in my junior year of highschool. I recently got out of an eating disorder treatment center. My eating disorder was caused by a variety of factors including my father's alcholism and my desire for perfection, but mostly because of my mom's death and the guilt I felt over not telling and showing her how much I loved her. She passed away from stage IV colon cancer when I was only 15. At that time, I was still in the "rebellious teenager" phase and I was mean to her and when she said, "I love you" I would just meanly ignore her and go about my own business. In the back of my head I knew that she was going to die soon and that I should be more loving to her, but I just kept telling myself no she's going to be fine, the chemo will work and she'll be all better soon, but she just kept getting worse and worse. Her feet began to swell, she starting having frequent falls, her skin became yellow with jaundice and eventually she couldn't even get out of bed without help but I just kept telling myself that she would be ok and I continued to ignore her and be mean to her. How could I be so stupid??? Why didn't I realize how much I would regret it and what the guilt would do to me?? One day when I was eating lunch at school the secretary came to get me and all she said was, "follow me" with a melancholy look on her face. I come out to the lobby of the school to find my dad in tears. We rode to the hospital in silence. When I got there my mom was barely conscious. Once in a while she would say something incoherent. She only lived to more days at the hospital. While she was on her death bed, I told her how much I loved her and how sorry I was, but I knew she couldn't hear me and that it was too late. On the night she died a had literally just left her rooms five minutes before the nurse came to tell me she had passed away. It got me wondering if maybe, just maybe she did hear me and maybe that somehow she waited for me to leave the room before she left this world. But I will never know and I will have to live the rest of my life with that guilt hanging over me.
15basketball 15basketball
18-21
Nov 25, 2012