Constant Painatherw

My mom died four months ago. She had been battling cancer for many years and I had spent the last year and a half taking care of her.  Things weren't always so easy.  I come from a very dysfunctional family.   My mom made up for the fact that my father was a violent drunk and my siblings were totally egocentric and cold.  My mom was my best friend.  When she died, all my family died.  

I was with her right up until the end and the moment is ingrained on my memory.  That last night was hell in hospice, listening to that horrible death rattle sound and then watching her fade away.  I knew the time would come but when it came, I realized there was no way I could've prepared myself.

I have since left the state she was in.  I was only there for her.  My siblings remain there but neither of them has been of any comfort.  On the contrary, they have been vicious.  I have a feeling if my mom had been financially secure, they would've helped but my mom lived from social security check to social security check in a rental apartment.  As a caregiver, I witnessed first-hand just how dysfunctional and downright callous Medicare and Medicaid can be.

I am staying w/ a friend of my mom's and looking for a job, trying to land on my feet.  I feel this horrible angst inside me but I won't let myself go there...sometimes I can't help it.  I have really bad stomach problems and I noticed that my blood pressure is high now. I have a history of low blood pressure.

I miss my mom.  When my dad died, she was  there for me.  We would talk for hours and I always knew that I could call her and she would offer support.  She was an awesome mother and I feel like a huge piece of me is missing.

ElizaDay66 ElizaDay66
1 Response Mar 17, 2009

i know what you mean. my dad also passed away 7 yrs ago, we spent many hours going down memory lane. she was always there for me and she always had an answer. she also lived from social security check to check each month. she had remarried 5 yrs ago and was very happy. the last 5 yrs were the happiest in her life. and, could she ever shop. i've always said that my mom could smell a bargain. My mom was my best friend, i never kept coffee at my house 'cause mom always had it ready. i can still see her smile. Love and Prayers, dear.