I Miss Mama So Much

I invited my mother to come for her much needed check ups

She stayed in the Philippines and I am working in a hospital in the holy city of Makkah

After several years of invitation, planning and convincing,,, finally she agreed on the month of Ramadan in the year 2008

Alhamdulillah! She came did Umrah, we went to the holy city of Medina and she had her check ups

She pleaded that she did not want to get blind so she had her eye lens changed and every 2 AM or 4 AM I'd wake up ... I can hear her trying to clear her throat in the toilet sink.  So after 2 or 3 times waking up and worrying that she might develop a sore throat. I asked her if she would go for a check up of her throat. She agreed and I brought her to the OPD to the ENT.  The doctor then said that she can wait outside. The doctor told me in my face that there is a mass in her throat. I did not know how to react. Then the doctor said, do you understand?  And I just nodded.  they could not operate on her throat because that means she would not have the eye operation.  So that doctor just warned that she had to go for the radiation or chemotherapy when she goes back to the Philippines.

It was sudden her return to the Philippines due to some sudden changes in the policy about their visit visa so she was not able to perform hajj.

In August 2009 she told me that I have to come home because we need to settle some things. Without asking and without any second thougth I said yes and I spent the most memorable holy month of Ramadan taking care and just being with Mama. She treated me to pizza and all the things that we loved we had. 

Before I came home I asked my bestfriend Florecita Almadin to take her to the doctor for her overdue biopsy.  Went I arrived, we both went to the doctor and the doctor told us that she had stage 3 or 4 cancer on her throat. The doctor said she should eat anything she wants, no medicines, she can go anywhere she wanted to go. So we did everything she requested. We enjoyed and hugged and kissed, and pissed and whatever....hahahahaha

In addition, we drank herbal medicines together then she got tired of drinking them after 3 weeks ... I could not blame her, I gave up after one week.

When it was time for me to go back to Saudi her maroon-red cancer was already pink...the cancer lost but my departure was a big devastation to both of us.  She died on December 14, 2009.

There are nights, I force myself to sleep because I could not remove Mama from my thoughts ... I miss her terribly... she is my very bestest friend whom I always tell if I feel sad or if someone wronged me....and she just understood and helped me through all the way she was on my side whatever happened.

Today, February 25, 2010, I dreamt of her, that we were in a house that there was my mother busy doing somethings for us. My brother who died in 1988 was there too.  Then my mother went to another (bahay kubo) nearby hut and she rested. It was the following day and it was her birthday so I told my brother that we should go check on my mother because it is unusual that she wakes up late. I worried that something might have happened to her. the I realized there was another child with us it was a girl but I did not see her face nor my brother's face they were like shadows.  When I went to wake up my mother, she decided to drive me to the big mall that looked like the king's house with white columns. I just now remember that she wanted a white house with big pillars and I think that is her way of saying that she got it.  And she did not drive at all when she was alive but in my dream she was driving.  But as we were nearing the mall she had to make a u-turn and we got lost and we reach a house with a construction on the side there was an old man in that house and we backed up and we got out of the car. We started walking and I saw my cousin Marlynn she was with another lady whose face I could not see. It was like in the old Maharlika village. Mama and I were at the lower part and Marlynn was at the upper hill.  When Marlynn was nearing us we saw that she rolled up her pants and blue lab coat and exposed her white legs and it looked like she was wearing diapers.  Mama and I shouted that she had to roll down her pants.  But even Mama felt hot so she removed her blue silk duster and I saw another blue silk under. Mama said sorry that she had to undress and wipe her sweat.  Then I woke up ... feeling ok actually and happy that I dreamt of Mama.

Yesterday, my colleague, Liza Baylon said that she dreamt of my Mama 2 days earlier and that she just forgot to tell me. In her dream she saw Mama in a hospital bed smiling and handing her an empanada.

By the way, before I end this short story,,,I stumbled upon a comment on the internet from someone who cares enough to share and I will post it here with the code name of the person who posted it :

Nobody wants you to "get over" her!!!!!! Nobody ever really means that...we get so careless with our words sometimes!!

And when she just passed last month and right in front of you and suddenly???

But you need to love yourself a LOT more, when you mourn....understand that you are mourning for all the sadness and frailty in the world....all the vulnerability to betrayal and helplessness...all the unmet need....all the unspoken pain.....all of our failures to give people what they need ALL the time (and we always do fail you know....)

Mourn for yourself. Mourn for other mourners. And for her, although she is no longer in any pain.....all children need to mourn for their departed parents...for as long as it takes to heal!

And then try to start wishing her a peaceful passage.....she will be there for you always in spirit...just concentrate on the good things that she gave you...

You will never get over it. But your mother wants you to be happy..... I know that's what my mother would say if she could come "through" to me once more......

By squigglefish


Mama I miss you so much and I love you so very much.

dorothywbrown dorothywbrown
36-40, F
2 Responses Feb 25, 2010

its all right my mom is in australia right now i miss her but God just wants you to be happy don't worry i have a feeling that this isn't the last time your gonna see her just pray and every thing will be all right<br />

Thankyou soooo much for sharing your experience, you have written and explained it so well. My Mum passed away of breast cancer in 2007 (three years in may) and still it feels like only yesterday. The emotions i went through were astounding, things I never would have associated with the death of a close one. Most notibally anger, anger at my mum, but not anger at her dying but anger at her leaving me. I blamed her for every **** up in my life, which actually was unjust, I think I felt that way because she was so wonderful and special, in my eyes she was invincible-how dare she get cancer and leave me?! I'm over that stage now, but its perfectly natural to feel strong and strange emotions. I suppose the best advice I can give someone (if they need it) where grief is concerned, is that an emotion can come out of nowhere and can be triggered by something unconnected..but actually its still a vent for the grief. So be kind to yourself, and above all don't feel guilt for thinking absurd thoughts or emotions during the grief period. The moment my Mum passed away (I was there in the hospital room with her) she was having a conversation with someone, laughing and nodding her head, I know someone came to get her, and guide her over. Bless you and love to you :)