9 years, 9 minutes or 9 centuries?

It's been almost nine years, and not a day has passed without me thinking about my mom.

And lately, I've been missing her more than ever before. The thing is, I'm almost 25 years old. Suddenly, I'm experiencing all these new "life" things... I'm in a relationship, I'm choosing a career, my life is taking shape and I need her advice so much. I feel so lonely without her. There are things I can't tell anyone except a mother and without her I just feel like i have to deal with everything all by myself. And I'm so scared of what's to come, what will happen when I decide to get married, or when i have a baby? Who can comfort me the way she used to?

I miss her. I miss you mom. I miss you so much. I miss you today because stupid silly things are getting to me and no one else wants to comfort me about stupid silly things. I miss you because i saw this girl and her mom shopping and i just wish that i could have my mom to go shopping with. I want to do all the trivial things with you. I just didn't get enough.

I was just short of my sixteenth birthday when you died. May 31st, 2001. It was a thursday, and I was at school. I felt anxious and I had a knot in my stomach, I knew something was really wrong. You had been at the hospital for the past week, and i knew the end was coming. You were suffering so much, and the cancer had aged you a million years. I called Aline and told her to come get me, that i just wanted to go see you. And if I hadn't left school, i would have never seen you again.

But there you were, still hanging on to life, when i walked in the room and i saw you for the last time. I know you were in so much pain you barely knew i was there. But i just wanted to kiss you one last time. I told you I loved you, i looked at you one more time, just to keep you locked in my memory, and then i started walking out. And that's when you called out to me. You calle dme back and i was so hapy that you knew it was me, that you knew i was there... and i grabbed your hand, and i felt you squeeze it and put it on your heart. I knew i had to take in those seconds, and make them last me for the rest of my life.

And now it's been nine years, and yes, i have learnt how to live without you. Since you last saw me, I graduated high school, then college. I got a scolarship, I did my masters at an Ivy League University. And then i came back home, and made sure Soraya and Karim got taught a little bit of everything you taught me. And i hope that wherever you are, you are proud of me, and them.

But even though i know how to live with you, i still haven't learnt how not to miss you. I think about you all the time and i really wish that i could talk to you... or see you... or kiss you. Everything would be so much better if they would just invent some kind of internet to connect with the dead.

It's funny but now that i'm more "grown up" i think about you in a different light. I wish i coud've been there for you, when you were sick, when you were dying. I wish i could've been there if you were scared, but at the time, i was only thinking about how scared i was.

I'm not sure i remember your voice. Or how you smelt. But i remember how it made me feel, when you tucked me into bed, and played with my hair, and waited until i would fall asleep; or stayed with me all night because i was sick; or made me my favorite meal just because; or let me skip school so i could spend the day running errands with you.

I wish you were right now cause i could use a hug. But i guess i'll just wipe my face, blow my nose, and slap a smile on my face, cause that;s what you woud tell me to do.

boublue boublue
22-25, F
2 Responses Mar 12, 2010

Thanks mizz... I guess we just keep on missing them forever... and sometimes that's okay. Other times it feels like nothing can ever fill that void!<br />
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A big hug from me, your story filled me with tears. I lost my mum in November 1994, and I still miss her beyond words.<br />
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