My Mother

My mother looked like Bette Davis.

She was a cockney, born within the sound of Bow Bells.

She loved to dance.

She was without prejudice and taught me to be the same, a counterpoint to my late fathers' many prejudices (the usual ones)

She stood up for me when I was being bullied at school.

She fought my corner at school when I fell behind because of my frequent absences (the bullying)

She worried about me constantly, at school and as an adult, when I was out of work, when I couldn't find a girlfriend.

She loved all types of music. She adored opera and one of the last presents I bought her was 'Play dead' by Bjork and David Arnold.

The last present she got me (or part of it) was 'Babies' by Pulp. She knew I loved the record.

She suffered greatly from my fathers' alcoholism.

When my father left, there was an all too brief period of happiness for her, until the twin demons of her insecurities and alcohol addiction took a grip.

I was the only one who stood by her, cleaned her up, saw her unconscious, put out her hair when she tried to light a cigarette when she was almost comatose through drink.

I know she stopped for me.

I cared for her as best I could during her alcoholism and after, when the years of abuse had taken its toll. I still carry a lot of guilt that I didn't do more.

The night before she died, I had a dream, which I've detailed more elsewher, but she was communicating with me. The songs in the dream were 'Alive' by Pearl Jam and 'Thank you for hearing me' by Sinead O' Connor.

I was not able to be there for her final moments, she went before I could get there.

I know she is still with me every moment of my life.

I love you mum, and cherish everything you gave me.

xxx

  

mizzen123 mizzen123
46-50, M
14 Responses Mar 13, 2010

HUGS to you too Sara, and thank you:)<br />
<br />
The love you had for her and the love she had for you will always be there, and hopefully you still have a few tangible memories of her. I do believe thos that we have loved remain with us, and she is still there for you, Sara:)<br />
<br />
x

HUGS<br />
<br />
I have only a few memories of my mom... she died when I was so young. I miss her too.

beprincess, thank you for your lovely response, and for sharing your feelings on your relationship with your daughter. I was really touched. <br />
<br />
Reading your responses, not just to this story, but others, I can see that you are a very thoughtful and caring person, and I am sure you have been a much better mother than you are giving yourself credit for. Whatever has gone on before, it is never too late to forge a relationship and I wish you the very best:)<br />
<br />
Mizz

Your story made me cry... not just making my eyes wet, but an open weeping. It is so moving and beautiful how much you love and admire her, and were always there for her as she was for you. Like TheRealWoman said, reading the way you write is the living proof to see the great influence she had in your life. What a beautiful woman, and what a beautiful story. <br />
<br />
As for myself, I will never stop regretting I never was a good mother for my oldest daughter, and because I always felt intimidated by her intellect and bravery, I could not apporach her when she was younger and needed me the most, but what this story taught me is it is never to late while they are still alive and among us, and I really need to make it up to her for all the years of negligence and absence. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you Polly :) x

Polly, thank you :)<br />
<br />
It still upsets me that I was unable to feed her, but she did appreciate and love me dearly for everything I did and for who I am. She was proud as proud of me as I am of her. Me being me, I just cannot help still beating myself up over things. <br />
<br />
((hugs)))

Thank you both for your lovely comments :)<br />
<br />
TRW, my dear, your words bring tears to my eyes. Thank you so much:) Her love will, I hope and believe, keep me strong. She was a wonderful person, and her love lives on. <br />
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sarnaf, I'm sorry for your loss. I feel exactly the same, there is not a day, not a single event, where I don't wish that she was here to share it. YOu have a great day too. x

Very touching and moving. I can 100 % understand your luv for her, I lost my mother in 2008 and there is not a single event where I don't miss her. Have a very nice day. X

Your mother was an amazing woman. I need no proof of that other than you, the man that I have come to call my best friend. Her love keeps you strong for eternity, tune in and be strong. My dearest. x

I understand why you feel bad about it, we have all made such choices, when we remained 'rational' in the face of the exceptional, death. It could be partly to ward off bad luck, partly because we're tired and preserve ourselves.<br />
I'm sure you showed her your love as you came back. <br />
A sweet day to you too.

Thank you soursweet, blissy and polly :)<br />
<br />
I hope and I think that there is something that reaches out beyond death, both with us who loved them and those that have departed reaching out to us, being by our sides. It's always been a comfort to me. <br />
<br />
My mind being how it is, I cannot help but think of times when I think I could've acted differently. If I may share something else with you, I think back to my mum's final ilness, when she had to be fed. I was getting a lift back home from my brother in law. A couple of minutes before he arrived, the patients' dinner began to be served. The nurse asked me if I was going to feed mum. I couldn't. Well, I could, but it would have meant getting a taxi home, a trip of 17 miles, a fare I couldn't afford. I looked at mum, she looked at me, and I had to say I couldn't. I was choked as I said it. Even though I was hoping against hope, deep down I knew she wouldn't recover, and this might've been the last time I had chance to do something for her. It wasn't, she lived for another four days, but all I could think was that I was letting her down. My mum was too ill to speak, but I knew she understood.<br />
<br />
Sorry, folks, this is probably self indulgent, but I just needed to get that out, it is an image that has always kept come back to me. I do also think of all the wonderful memories, and I shall be thinking of those today.<br />
<br />
Thank you for reading and caring, it means a lot to me :)<br />
<br />
Love to you all and have a lovely day :):) xxxx

thanks for sharing your story mizz. It's hard to look back on a loved one's life and not have some regrets about how we could have done more, been around more, told them we loved them more. But I do believe that our good intentions are known on a universal level and that somehow our love and good feelings for them are never lost and are known to them even beyond death. There is always a connection with people we have loved, wherever they may be.

Nothing beats motherly love when it's there. Well at least in my experience.

sweet, thank you :)<br />
<br />
Mum showed love and I showed her love in return. It doesn't stop me feeling guilty that I could not do more to ease her pain, that I did not do more, but I know she felt tremendous guilt when she slipped into alcoholism, which made her hate herself even more, which made her drink more, and so the cycle continued. <br />
<br />
It is difficult emotionally to revisit sometimes, but also cathartic and it's nice that others appreciate the emotion. <br />
<br />
xxxx