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I'm So Homesick

I'm so homesick for my house and my life I'm not sure I'm ever going to get over it. I think the hardest part is that this was the fact that we were the cause of this move. We didn't have to, we chose to because we didn't feel quite right in the area we were living for almost 10 years. We didn't have any friends, we had good jobs but were not happy with them, and the people in the area were rather conservative and stand-offish.

But we had a wonderful house and a quiet life and I was getting to the point where I was learning how to accept the things that didn't work for us, and really appreciate the things that did. But my husband was getting increasingly dissatisfied and I'm not sure that if I would have put the kibosh on the job he was offered, that he wouldn't have resented me forever.

Now I"m wondering if it's the other way around. It's been almost 4 years, we've lived in 2 horrible temporary apartments, and now have bought a money pit out of desperation which has drained us dry of everything I saved so long to save. And now we still don't have the money to make this place into someplace that I think will make me comfortable. What's worse, is I work from home, so I'm here, in this place that I don't really like, 24/7, which just reminds me of how much we've been ripped off since we bought the place, by contractors and designers and cabinet makers, and inspectors and real estate agents and people in general. I used to look at the best in people, now I have no faith in them.

And I miss my old house soooo much. It was one of those places where when I looked in the window for the first time I thought ... I felt ... "This is it. This is the one." I loved that place with all my heart. I know I"m suppose to be learning that it's not the place you live it's the people and animals you live with, but I miss it so much. There's nothing for me and the cats to look out at (no view, no view of even the front street to watch people walk by) and I just don't even know how I"m ever going to get over this.

Thank you for listening.
ExperienceKitty ExperienceKitty 56-60, F 7 Responses Feb 29, 2012

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I know this post is pretty old, but I'm 17 and my parents just moved us to a small house across town because of money issues. My oldest brother moved out and our family pet died so we didn't need all the space and since my dad was between jobs it was nearly impossible to pay the bills. Now we live in a smaller townhouse and it feels so cramped in here. There are five total windows and it's pretty dark. (Also, it's winter in Minnesota. It can get pretty depressing for me). We were pretty much forced to move out, or at least that's what they told me. My parents have been wanting to move for years but I would never let them. Finally, I agreed (biggest regret of my life). I grew up in that house, we all did. Even my cat, who died in there. Every single good memory I have is from that house. We moved into the townhouse in December and my parents and brother love it. But I cry everyday. I always drive past my old house. I miss my neighbors, who practically raised me when my mom was in the hospital. I met all my best friends on that street. (They eventually moved to new houses, too). I used to be happy all the time, about silly things, simple things. I used to like being alone. But in this house I need somebody 24/7 to stop me from crying. I don't feel safe here. The neighbors don't talk to each other. I'm always having flashbacks of my old life and childhood. Even worse, when I cry about it, my family just gets mad at me. When we first moved in, they understood and tried to help, but now they are sick of it. They don't get why I haven't moved on yet. It's even sparked a huge question of faith. I used to feel comfort in reading the Bible and talking about God with people. Now I'm scared of everything. Literally. Ugh. I just want this to go back to normal. I don't mind if I'm not happy all the time like I used to be, I just don't want to be sad all the time. Does this go away? How long will it take? It's affecting my work and school and friendships.

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Canabby.

I am so sorry to hear your story. I'm sorry you had to move and I'm so sorry your kitty died. I cannot say I still don't miss my old house very much at times, but it doesn't weigh on me as heavily on a daily basis like it used to.

I'm sorry your family is not understanding. There are a few things I have learned from the experience, and one of them is that it's like any other deep loss. We have a right to go through a grieving process (and 3 months isn't very long) and if we are not allowed to properly grieve, it hurts all the more. At 17, it feels like you have some good and some bad points going for you. The bad is that this loss is not just your house and your cat, it's your childhood. You would eventually have had to go through those feelings someday when you left home, but they are made exponentially worse by having it forced on you (probably not though your parent's fault, but by circumstance) in a way you weren't ready for. Those are a lot of deep losses all at once.

But let me posit the good side of your age so that you will have some hope. You are close to getting to the age where you will want to move out anyway. For you, when that time comes, maybe it will be an easier transition and you can find your own place, with lots of light (BELIEVE me, I GET, the light thing! It's absolutely miserable to live in a dark house when you need a lot of light. It might even be contributing to your depression on a biological level.) Anyway, start focusing on a little place that's all yours where you can make new friends do new things.

I know that sounds easier than it is, but one of the other things I've learned is that we need to create our own happiness. For you, that's more difficult right now because you are financially dependent on your family, but there is a principal in a Hawaiian philosophy I study, called Huna, which states, "Energy flows where attention goes." It's based on the law of attraction. In simplest terms, it means, when we focus on what we are unhappy about, we bring more of that into our lives, because everything has a vibration, and vibrations tend to match. So instead of focusing on a problem, or trying to find 'good' in the problem, we acknowledge that we are in an unhappy situation and we honor that, but instead of dwelling on it, we focus on a solution.

For me, I'm pretty much stuck here financially and for a lot of other reasons. So the solution for me is to find gratitude in what I do have, even though that is hard at times, and I try to appreciate in the now the things I didn't have before. (For instance, I didn't have a fireplace in my last house, but today I am sitting in front of a warm fire while it's raining outside, to write this.)

For you, however, try to focus on what you want in your life. Don't pine for it, accept you are in the present moment, but take steps to make that happen for yourself, because "Now is the moment of power" (4th Huna principal). You cannot change the past, but in the present moment, you can change your view of it. The future isn't here yet or set in stone, but you have the power to create it by taking steps now.

Are you planning on going to school? What do you like to study? What does your perfect little 'first place' look like? Will you have another kitty to be a mommy to? And for that matter, what do you *love* to do? Draw? Dance? Write? Start doing that now. Find one thing you love to do and lose yourself in it.

Some things we have no control over. Your dad being out of work is difficult for everyone. And I know it's easy to lose faith, but you are at an age where perhaps it's not about losing faith as much as there is an open door for you to explore other belief systems and/or philosophies (they are different). If you are not finding comfort in the bible anymore, perhaps there is something out there that will offer you more comfort. If you are meant to follow the teachings of the bible, you will come back to it on your own.

Personally, I'm not religious. Instead I try to live by these HUNA principals: IKE: The world is what you think it is (we can create the life we want), KALA: There are no limits (anything is possible) MAKIA: Energy flows where attention goes (what we focus on is what we bring into our lives), MANAWA: Now is the moment of power (now is where we create the future from) ALOHA: To love is to be happy with (find that which you love and it will give you strength) MANA: All power comes from within (we have the power within ourselves to influence our lives) PONO: Effectiveness is the measure of truth (meaning, if these principals work for you, use them, if not, use what's useful to you and leave the rest, and find whatever else does work for you.)

I in no way want you to think I am discounting your experience. I am not. I think you are in a very difficult situation and are dealing with some very deep and legitimate grief issues. And I'm so sorry your family is not recognizing or validating those feelings. I want to validate them for you now. As I say, I still get very, very homesick at times, but I do want you to know that not only does it get better with time, you have an horizon. As we all do. If you don't feel you are getting support from your family, find others, just as you did here (I'm so proud of you). Perhaps there's a school counselor or someone like that you could talk to, as well?

You are not alone. We understand what it feels like to miss a house and just the same as you, we are not only grieving our homes, but the lives we lost when we left them. Personally, I will not look at photos of my last house, it would just reopen the wound. So maybe stop driving past your old house. Give yourself a chance to heal.

Find a place inside your head to imagine what you want in your life. Use this time to create that life. Honor your grief and understand that you have a right to feel the way that you do and that grief is different for every person. Start a journal. Write down all the things you grieve. Then take that piece of paper and burn it or bury it. When you do that, use it to symbolically release all of those things: your friends, your cat, your childhood, your home. Release them in peace and say goodbye to them. And, fwiw, understand that your kitty is still around you. Her energy is still there, she's just not wearing her clothes anymore. Look to your kitty as your guardian and spirit guide. I have a feeling she is going to help you create the most wonderful life possible.

So many blessings to you.
EK

Hi, I am so sorry that you are or have been suffering from homesickness. I completely understand and can relate to all your comments.
I loved my old house, I bought it as a new build and lived there for 29 years. I am suffering terribly with homesickness, depression and anxiety. Does it get better in time or just worse? Thank you.....

Hi Laurence. I'm so sorry for your loss. I still miss my house, but it doesn't get worse, it gets better. Honor your grief. Sending you blessings.

Thank you so much for replying, it means a lot that I'm not alone!!
I really hope that one day we will get over this. I wish you happiness and thank you once again.

Reading these makes me cry more. I missed my house. I wish that going back in time was real. I wish I would do house moving somewhere new cuz that help my mom mske uo her mind on selling the home and support ing my dsd.

Hi ExperienceKitty. I'm wondering how you are doing now after more than a year? I can relate to your story and libracat too. I too sold my home. By choice. Talk about regret! My husband and I bought the home new before we were married 13 years ago. It was a small ranch but was in a nice growing neighborhood. We did everything to the house, yard, basement, deck, updates and most recently new flooring and countertops. When we bought the home it was supposed to be a starter home, a 5 year plan. Well, the real estate market crashed and we stayed. We always talked about upgrading and getting a bigger home. Little did I know, that was our HOME! Earlier this year we started just looking. Several home in our subdivision foreclosed and went like hotcakes. We decided to list our house and see what happened. We sold in less than a week. It was very stressful. The home we ended up with is nothing like what I expected. We made an offer after 10 min's of looking at it. It's so big and spacious and my kids bedrooms are upstairs away from the master. What I thought would be good for them! They have space and a huge backyard. But I hate this house!! So much so that I cry everyday. I hate everything about it inside and out. The neighbors are horrible and my son had to start a new school. I miss my old neighbors next door that would bring us veges from their garden and who treated my kids like their own! I had anxiety attacks the first week we moved in. I am now suffering from depression and anxiety. My kids started back to school this week. We used to have the bus stop in front of our house. I now have to drive them to the end of the subdivision. I ask myself everyday why. I live a life of regret. More than anything I my simple house, my simple life. Where I was happy.

Hi JenPie.

I'm sorry for the tardy response. I saw your post then, and then life got in the way. I'm so sorry for your situation. I so, so understand how you feel. For me, the fact that it was a choice we made rather than one thrust upon me has made it so very terrible.

I will tell you what I have learned in the past 6 years. At first I chided myself trying to tell myself, 'why is this so hard, it's a house', but it's not. It's a life. It's a dream. And it's something you have to fully grieve just as if someone in your family had crossed over to the other side. I think what made it so hard for me is my unrelenting guilt and punishing myself over the decision. For me, I have learned and understand (still need to really feel) that perhaps there was a bigger purpose, or lesson. For me, it's learning how to make decisions for myself and be able to stand up for my intuition when something feels not quite right.

All this has led to a lot of self-reflection about how I grew up and why I would agree to the things I do. (I don't blame my husband, I agreed, but I certainly would not have done it without him wanting to so badly.) I'm not sure this is helping, but I do think I have become more of my own person now. The move has led to other losses ... necessary ones, and one huge gain, which is my career.

As for my other house, I still don't want to look at photos. I feel I would need to be truly happy before I can ever do that again, but I need to look at this as, if we had never moved, I don't know what would have happened. Perhaps something would have happened to our marriage, perhaps his job. Perhaps I would not have been able to help the souls I have helped since being down here, or found my life's purpose.

All I can say is that, when asking the reason 'why', try to find the greater lesson which will make you a better person. I know I am more resolved than I was when I wrote this post, and I have to believe that all of us here will find peace and happiness again.

I can also say, while I will never love this place like I loved my last, when I think about selling it, I get a twinge because we have put so much work into it. This is work that my husband and I have done and experienced together, good or bad. I think that's one of the things that was so hard about leaving the other place, the things we did to make it a home. (Not that I didn't just love the home the minute I first walked into it. That's why we lived there, but we did put a lot of love into it.)

Do your best to make happy memories in your new place. And, if possible, make a room for yourself that can be your sanctuary. (I have a meditation room.) Find something for yourself that you never could have done at the other place. Or just find something for yourself that makes you happy. For too long I forgot how to be happy. Find that one little nugget so that you don't forget, and understand that you have to work through this grief just like you would any other significant loss of a loved one. Because that's what your house was to you. Your friend and protector, and your 'place'. Honor your grief, but like all grief, know that there is light on the other side. And, above all, forgive yourself. You did the best you knew at the time, sometimes we just make mistakes. Forgive yourself.

I don't know if this helps or not, maybe it's just more ramblings, but I hope so. Blessings to you.

Thanks for your comments. I am feeling a little better. I still can't look at pictures of my old house much, but I am working really hard on understanding that it's about appreciating what you do have than what you don't. I'm sure that's my life lesson here.



I'm sorry you are feeling lonely in your new place, but just like you say, building memories takes time. I think the important thing to remember is to focus on the present, and enjoy the things you do have, so those memories will be good ones.



Sending you positive thoughts for your life just the way you want it. :)

Hi ExperienceKitty - just read your posts. I am exactly where you are, and have been. I am in mourning for my house, which I lived in for ten marvellous years. People have told me that it's going to take over a year to adjust to this loss and I am having a very, very hard time.
We moved from a 5,000 sq ft home in the north part of town, with a forest backing us, on a lovely, quiet street of multi-million-dollar homes.....yes, that's right - I had everything including a 50-ft. deck and pool in my backyard; but what was more important to me was my connection to the animals and wildlife there.
Imagine my horror and sadness as well as shock to discover that the person who bought my home, and portrayed himself as an animal lover, has taken steps (not sure what, not sure I want to know either) to rid the property of all animals. This from a person who assured me that he loved animals because I said from the outset, to anyone who came to see the house, that I would only sell to a person/family who would treasure the variety of birds and animals that populated my property. I now feel betrayed and guilty - the little red squirrels, mother raccoon and her little ones, chipmunks etc. whose trust I had gained to the point that they would eat from my hand - I have let them all down and abandoned them.
You're probably wondering why, if I loved it so much, did I sell? You'd have to ask that question of my husband.....his business lots its market, he lost his partner, and I lost everything that I had.
I gave away/threw out/donated the largest mountain of belongings known to man. The sacrifice has been immeasurable. There is nothing that could ever replace what I have been forced to give up and I doubt that, at this age, I will ever have the pleasure of experiencing anything like it again, or get over it either.
I am now stuck in a mid-town condo, which to me is just a glorified apartment. I spent 16 yrs. in an apartment earlier in my life, which is why I enjoyed the peace, quiet and serenity of my home/backyard. I called it my "sanctuary".
I am now feeling like a prisoner in a cement cell block. I know no one here, nor will I probably ever become friends with anyone either, including my neighbours on this floor. Everyone sticks to themselves here and it is not people company I crave anyway. How could I ever duplicate the wild rabbit who swam in the pool with me one day, the chipmunk who came and sat at the edge while I did laps, just watching me, the groundhog who lumbered through the yard one incredible fall day, the large "V" 's of geese and the odd heron flying over the house.....it was just like living up north at a cottage. I could go on, and on........
There are those who are saying to me, You're sixty, your children are grown, you have to move on. While I've already "moved"!! And there is no place I would rather be than in my HOME, Dorothy!
No matter how much work and effort and money I put into these 1,800 sq. ft.,
trying to make it feel like a home, it will never be......plus my balcony overlooks one of the main town cemeteries: did I mention that? How depressing can it get!
There is only one saving grace:- two parks, one small, one magnificent in its largesse, are located right nearby. I just found out yesterday that "they" are going to turn most of the small parkland into - guess what - condo towers. The other larger park is protected by the city though so nothing will touch it and that's where I plan to spend most of my time.........but it's not mine.
I feel like a man without land lives in no-man's-land! Am I being foolish?
The feelings of loneliness and sadness here are overwhelming. I never, ever thought I would find myself in this position but thanks to the wrenches that life has thrown my way, this is all we could afford. At least we own it, I guess that's some consolation.
You sound a lot better in your last posting and it seems as though you have made some progress. Somehow I have a feeling it's going to take me a lot longer! This is just too hard of an adjustment to make and I also have to deal with my anger and resentment toward my husband who let our dreams slip through his hands.
Thank you for this opportunity to share my experience with you. You certainly are not alone. I am getting little to no support from anyone I know - they're doing just fine in their 10,000 sq.ft. homes and they are secure and happy!

I am so sorry to hear that you are so homesick for your old house. I have just moved to another house after 20 years in the old one and I feel so lonely and although my new home is lovely it has no memories for me. I suppose we just have to make the memories and this takes time. I also miss the area I used to live in and yet when I was living there it seemed so rough, but at least I was known and people talked to me. I am sure this will be the case here, we just need patience. Hope you have started to feel happier.