I Wonder If Life Can Ever By The Same - About My Mom.....

I lost my mom in October of 2007. She was my best friend, and the one person I could always talk to. She had emphysema, and was sick for years before she went on hospice two weeks before she died. Even now, after all this time, I wonder if we should have done something different, something that would have saved her.....the hospice people told us she wasn't in pain (they had her so medicated she didn't wake up hardly at all :( ), and at the time, I was grateful she wasn't in pain....but I look back, and I hate the hospice people so badly that it makes me cry to think about it. She didn't eat anything or even have fluids for two weeks!! They told me this was normal for people who are dying....to me, it feels like I killed my mom....she had told me she was ready to go...I will never be ready for her to go...

The night she passed away was the first night in two weeks I didn't sleep on the floor by her bed - I went out to the couch and fell asleep for an hour, and when I woke up, she was gone. Will I ever feel better?? Did I do everything wrong? I would give an arm or leg gladly just to be able to talk to her and to know she is in a wonderful place like I always thought of. I tried contacting her through prayer, asking my angels to connect us, and the only place I get to see her is in my dreams...but they always end so fast, and I can't control if I get to talk to her in them....I just need to know that someday, I will feel okay again and that somehow what we did was right, and that she is in a better beautiful place where she belongs....they say time heals all things, this is NOT healing....I still cry at least 4-5 times a week just because I can't talk to her or my dad anymore...will tell more about my dad's story later..but for now, this is all I can take to write....why is it that I can only tell people I don't even know how terrible this all is....I must be crazy...
xena222 xena222
41-45, F
Dec 7, 2012