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My Sister..

I miss my sister.

I woke up today thinking about her and it just brought tears to my eyes. Over 20 years ago, my sister took her own life and that is an event that changed my life forever.

I remember the day it happened. I had the day off of work and I was at home when I got a call from my brother. He said that he received a phone call from our sisters boss saying that she had not shown up for work, which was way out of character. My brother asked me to go over to her place and check on her because she lived close by. I can remember him saying to me " don't go inside of the house", which, thinking back on it now, is spooky. Almost as if he already knew. Well, I did go in and what I saw was not an image that you want burned in your mind.

I think I pretty much went in to shock after that. I can remember sitting in my boyfriends car and having a weird sort of tunnel vision. I couldn't see on either side of myself, just straight ahead. I remember someone bringing her cats out to me but nothing after that point. At her wake, I remember saying "son-of- a- b*****, and then going silent and not speaking again for a good six months, and whats sad is, the rest of my family didn't seem to notice, or if they did, saw nothing wrong with it. I guess they didn't know what to do with me. Even though I'm the youngest, I was always the strong one, and I guess having the strong one crumble, threw them for a loop. I didn't sleep for months,I was angry with God for letting this happen, I had blackouts and I just barely existed from day to day.

One morning, I was on the bus, don't remember where I was going, probably nowhere, and I was thinking about my sister and I said out loud to her" you're a real idiot". After that, the flood gates just opened. I had to get off of the bus because people were looking at me like I was crazy and maybe I was a little at that point. I walked for miles, I screamed and I cried and got it all out of my system and then I was MAD. Mad at my sister for not sticking around. Mad at her for just giving up. Mad at myself because I didn't see the signs. Mad at myself because I didn't save her. One ironic thing about this is that shortly before her death, she had just taken her CPA(certified public accountant) exam. She was so worried and nervous about the results. Two weeks after her death, we found out that she had passed. Top of her class.

It was a rough period for me but I somehow made it through. Sometimes I still get mad at her. There is so much she missed out on- nieces and nephews, achieving her goals, basically just the miracle of life. There are times when I can talk about her and remember the good times without crying, and then there are times when the pain is so raw just like it was the day it actually happened. I have a copy of my brothers wedding video and I love to watch it because i can see her and hear her voice. That is the last time I can remember seeing her happy.

I miss my sister.. today and always....

There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with “How are you?” and “I’m fine…
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather.
We talk about work.
We talk about everything else…
Except the elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all.
But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.
Oh, please, say her name.
Oh, please, say “Betty” again.
Oh, please, let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about her death,
Perhaps we can talk about her life.
Can I say “Betty” to you and not have you look away:
For if I cannot,
then you are leaving me alone…
in a room…
with an elephant
stlcrzy stlcrzy 46-50, F 38 Responses Feb 25, 2012

Your Response


I have been to more than a few suicides. Families try to understand why... The problem is you are thinking rationally. The person that commits suicide is irrational. To them, it made perfect sense.

My father committed suicide, it is a very hard thing to try and deal with.... He has been gone 28 yrs.

I can so relate to that. I still struggle with it at times.

Did you ever figure out why? D:

Read your sisters story...Sorry to read how you felt. I guess the pain is not something one can describe in words. Find the courage to go on and live the life you anted your sis to live. Live for her too. Most people have lost someone they really cared for, and more people loose people they care for. I once once lost someone I loved although she is still alive somewhere. I've never seen a dead body, guess I prefer to stay with the living ones. For now. Be strong and don't look back. You cannot change or bring her back. Stay in balance and do things that make you go on with your life and the people around you.

Be strong. This world needs you

Thank you! It's amazing how after all of these years that it can still hit me like that!

Heart felt & well written post.....peace!

Thank you ;)

That was a touching story.
You are so strong.

Thank you :)

This story is amazing your soooooo strong. <3

What a wonderful poem. Might I suggest sharing it in 'Deep Under Ground Poetry'? So many poems by young people who are contemplating suicide are posted there, yours is a much need perspective.
Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your soul with us.

You're welcome. The poem actually, isn't my own though. it was written by Terry Kettering. One of my favorites though because it is such an accurate description of the way people avoid dealing with loss. I just added in my sister's name.

the pain cannot be experienced by anyone else the way you do and did, and no words can help , hope you heal

Very powerful. Your story brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry for your pain.

My heart hurts for you. I cannot imagine your pain. I list a niece 9 years ago. My sister has never been the same.

Hard to believe that even after so many years have passed, sometimes it hurts as bad as the day it happened.

I'm sorry about the loss of your sister.My brother committed suicide almost 9 years ago.One of his friends had found him in his room in Florida.Jaden was the only one of my nieces or nephews who really got to know him.It really saddens me to know that my youngest little nephews and youngest little niece never got that chance.

That's how I feel about my sister- she never got the chance to meet my brother's kids or my son. Sorry for your loss too.

I'm very sorry for your loss and can sympathize with you.
I lost my oldest brother to a self-inflicted gun shot, 26 years ago. It's a tragedy that will never be forgotten. Like you, I will always remember the day, I was notified of his death, and the anger and frustration that followed.

It just never goes away.

It never does.

Not trying to be insensitive here, but as a fellow CPA, it seemed she had so much going for her! Is everyone certain it was suicide?!

Strangely, I had a fleeting thought years ago when it happened. I was suspicious of the man that she was seeing. A few things happened that I thought were quite odd regarding him.

Yeah not even being close to the situation, it just seemed odd that she had so much going for her! So sorry for your pain, my dear! I'm so sorry you had to walk in on the scene. Was there ever any depression? You did say warning signs existed....

Thank you for this ... gives great insight into the pain left behind. Very well written, poignant, meaningful ...

The pain never goes away. It just becomes part of you.

It is rough for the people left behind.

That is so true. I describe it as being left in the aftermath of a tornado.

Thank you for sharing your story. I've been suicidal in the past. Thinking of the pain i would cause to those I leave behind gives me the strength to live one more day.

Glad you have decided to stay with us. The pain left behind is like the aftermath of a tornado.

Someone once said suicides are thieves. They rob us of their presence, their wisdom, their company and their knowledge. And most of all, themselves.

Never thought to look at it that way- so true!

This was said to me by a man who's mother committed suicide and he said it colored his entire life forever after. He carried such anger around at her for years.

It definitely has changed my life. I remember going through a period where I was mad at my sister. I went through so many different stages of grief.

After having something like that happen you must have wondered what you're own life was worth since your sister thought so little of hers and you both came from the same family.

Not exactly, it made me appreciate my life much more.

I'm glad, and happy for you. That's what it should do. I've been on the other side of the fence where I would think of ways to kill myself out of a dark, black depression, which is another world unto itself.

Stay here :)

I think I will. Thank you.

5 More Responses

losing your sister they way you did must be so difficult to live with, iv never experience this myself but i feel for you, the sadness you have must be so hard to deal with, you and your brother have each other to turn to.

losing your sister the way that you did was horrific, hope you,ve regained your strength to carry on.

I'm sorry for your loss . powerful writing there

Thank you :)

Your response to a question about riding the Pope mobile got me here. You are amazing. I love your attitude. I'm glad to have been able to peer into your window and see how strong people can be.

Thank you. I think it's my attitude that has gotten me through many difficult times!

I feel your pain, Suicide is the most terrible torture for those left behind.<br />
You write beautifully on this painful subject.<br />
Good Luck for the future and I hope the pain (which will never leave) eases slightly with the passing of time.

Thank you. it's been years, but still hurts at times.

I wanted to let you know that you have my greatest sympathy, and our hearts are truly saddened. Our sincere thoughts and prayers are with you...

Thank you :)

Thank you for sharing your story. I am grieving my sister as well and came across your story. Your thoughts are so eloquently expressed and helps me think through and relate to the emotions beneath the confusion. Thank you.

You are welcome, and I'm sorry for your loss. It does get better though, and one day you will get to that point. Just take it one day at time. Hugs to you!

Im very sorry for your loss. I watched my mom die in front of me when i was 18,not to suicide,but her death and others(bio mom,all grandparents and a highschool sweetheart)-i think of every day,i think every single day..i cant wait to get to heaven and be with them. I probabally need therapy for all the elephants in the room,have been leaving little space for me to live life without thinking of the afterlife. Good poem btw! I write poetry myself. thank you for sharing your story-much love.

Sorry for your losses as well. I wish that poem were mine. I write a little here and there but I'm not that talented. It's by Terry Kettering. A friend sent it to me years ago, one of my favorites. I just inserted my sisters name into it though. I think about my sister a lot, it still hurts.

Man is born only to die and we have to accept it praying God to provide peace and rest in His shelter to the departed soul.May God grant him that all she deserve at least His kindness.May God grant you and your family the strength to bear the great lose of departed soul.

Some things never leave you . I still speak to my brothers who have passed away in the last few years. Its good to talk.Some thing im not the best at.<br />
Good on you for moving on .

How true that statement is! Hard to believe that my sister's death is actually a part of me. Yes, it does help to talk and thank you for reading my story.

I still have such moments too. My brother suicided in 1985 and I still miss the silly man. He was almost 22. hugs you

Right back at ya..

Really great ex<x>pression a real one in words full of human emotions role in life.

That was beautiful & heartbreaking at the same time :( I'm so sorry you lost your sister. If I ever lost either of mine, I don't know what I would do. Take Care. xoxo

Thank you for your kind words :)

I can feel your pain...I lost my younger brother to suicide 26 years ago...and my baby sister this June 12 will be 3 years to murder...I'm the oldest in my family now...having lost all parents/grandparents/grandparents...death is so permanent...I have to admit I tried to commit suicide myself...felt no hope, no relief...but what I couldn't see was it was a permanent solution to temporary problems....the pain is still there, just not as bad...time has helped me get past the tragedy of death...but it has also led me to realize no matter what we do, we can't change the past...I felt guilty for my brothers death as well as my baby sisters...but that didn't make sense...I had to survive for my own help avoid any further tragedy...and to be strong in time of weakness and error....Love is the anser...I've spent my life trying to figure out why I'm here...I felt empty...I realized God was missing my life...Now I depend on Him to get me through each day.....<br />
<br />
<br />
Greg xxx

How true regarding death is so permanent! I always wonder if my sister completely thought it through. I don't think she did. The pain becomes a part of you, it's always there.

sorry for the loss of your sister, hope you feel better soon xx

This it too weird. I clicked yr profile to comment on yr stunning pic and then realised about yr sister. I had a female friend who commited suicide just over 20 yr ago behind some garages very close to where I live. She was a Student Nurse. It then took me many months with the help of a Private Detective to find where she was buried. No headstone there to this day. Don't even know for sure if I was standing in exactly the right place in the cemetary. She was a part of my heart's neighbourhood. Still is.<br />
<br />

Thank you :)

You welcome. Apologies for multiple posting. Grrrrr @ Microsoft, Aol &amp; Toshiba

This it too weird. I clicked yr profile to comment on yr stunning pic and then realised about yr sister. I had a female friend who commited suicide just over 20 yr ago behind some garages very close to where I live. She was a Student Nurse. It then took me many months with the help of a Private Detective to find where she was buried. No headstone there to this day. Don't even know for sure if I was standing in exactly the right place in the cemetary. She was a part of my heart's neighbourhood. Still is.<br />
<br />

This it too weird. I clicked yr profile to comment on yr stunning pic and then realised about yr sister. I had a female friend who commited suicide just over 20 yr ago behind some garages very close to where I live. She was a Student Nurse. It then took me many months with the help of a Private Detective to find where she was buried. No headstone there to this day. Don't even know for sure if I was standing in exactly the right place in the cemetary. She was a part of my heart's neighbourhood. Still is.<br />
<br />

I'm glad you are able to write it down and thank you for sharing this with us. You are strong...stronger than I am, it seems. I hope one day you find peace with this, however far away it may seem. (hugs)

feeling sad:(

Sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere.