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My Sister..

I miss my sister.

I woke up today thinking about her and it just brought tears to my eyes. Over 20 years ago, my sister took her own life and that is an event that changed my life forever.

I remember the day it happened. I had the day off of work and I was at home when I got a call from my brother. He said that he received a phone call from our sisters boss saying that she had not shown up for work, which was way out of character. My brother asked me to go over to her place and check on her because she lived close by. I can remember him saying to me " don't go inside of the house", which, thinking back on it now, is spooky. Almost as if he already knew. Well, I did go in and what I saw was not an image that you want burned in your mind.

I think I pretty much went in to shock after that. I can remember sitting in my boyfriends car and having a weird sort of tunnel vision. I couldn't see on either side of myself, just straight ahead. I remember someone bringing her cats out to me but nothing after that point. At her wake, I remember saying "son-of- a- b*****, and then going silent and not speaking again for a good six months, and whats sad is, the rest of my family didn't seem to notice, or if they did, saw nothing wrong with it. I guess they didn't know what to do with me. Even though I'm the youngest, I was always the strong one, and I guess having the strong one crumble, threw them for a loop. I didn't sleep for months,I was angry with God for letting this happen, I had blackouts and I just barely existed from day to day.

One morning, I was on the bus, don't remember where I was going, probably nowhere, and I was thinking about my sister and I said out loud to her" you're a real idiot". After that, the flood gates just opened. I had to get off of the bus because people were looking at me like I was crazy and maybe I was a little at that point. I walked for miles, I screamed and I cried and got it all out of my system and then I was MAD. Mad at my sister for not sticking around. Mad at her for just giving up. Mad at myself because I didn't see the signs. Mad at myself because I didn't save her. One ironic thing about this is that shortly before her death, she had just taken her CPA(certified public accountant) exam. She was so worried and nervous about the results. Two weeks after her death, we found out that she had passed. Top of her class.

It was a rough period for me but I somehow made it through. Sometimes I still get mad at her. There is so much she missed out on- nieces and nephews, achieving her goals, basically just the miracle of life. There are times when I can talk about her and remember the good times without crying, and then there are times when the pain is so raw just like it was the day it actually happened. I have a copy of my brothers wedding video and I love to watch it because i can see her and hear her voice. That is the last time I can remember seeing her happy.

I miss my sister.. today and always....

There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with “How are you?” and “I’m fine…
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather.
We talk about work.
We talk about everything else…
Except the elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all.
But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.
Oh, please, say her name.
Oh, please, say “Betty” again.
Oh, please, let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about her death,
Perhaps we can talk about her life.
Can I say “Betty” to you and not have you look away:
For if I cannot,
then you are leaving me alone…
in a room…
with an elephant
stlcrzy stlcrzy 46-50, F 43 Responses Feb 25, 2012

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Still sad after all these years.

I'm so sorry about this. I was in tears reading it. Do you ever get to talk about her with anyone?

No. Nobody in my family talks about it. Very disturbing and sad.

If you ever want to talk about it, I want to listen. I know what it is like to hold something inside for years.

Thank you :)

I have been to more than a few suicides. Families try to understand why... The problem is you are thinking rationally. The person that commits suicide is irrational. To them, it made perfect sense.

My father committed suicide, it is a very hard thing to try and deal with.... He has been gone 28 yrs.

I can so relate to that. I still struggle with it at times.

Did you ever figure out why? D:

Read your sisters story...Sorry to read how you felt. I guess the pain is not something one can describe in words. Find the courage to go on and live the life you anted your sis to live. Live for her too. Most people have lost someone they really cared for, and more people loose people they care for. I once once lost someone I loved although she is still alive somewhere. I've never seen a dead body, guess I prefer to stay with the living ones. For now. Be strong and don't look back. You cannot change or bring her back. Stay in balance and do things that make you go on with your life and the people around you.

Be strong. This world needs you

Thank you! It's amazing how after all of these years that it can still hit me like that!

Heart felt & well written post.....peace!

Thank you ;)

That was a touching story.
You are so strong.

Thank you :)

This story is amazing your soooooo strong. <3

What a wonderful poem. Might I suggest sharing it in 'Deep Under Ground Poetry'? So many poems by young people who are contemplating suicide are posted there, yours is a much need perspective.
Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your soul with us.

You're welcome. The poem actually, isn't my own though. it was written by Terry Kettering. One of my favorites though because it is such an accurate description of the way people avoid dealing with loss. I just added in my sister's name.

the pain cannot be experienced by anyone else the way you do and did, and no words can help , hope you heal

Very powerful. Your story brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry for your pain.

Your story really tugged on my heart strings. My younger sister was killed in a car accident back in 1992, and it feels like yesterday. I always talk to her. The sad thing is she was pregnant and no one knew, she had just turned 30. I love "the elephant in the room." My brother died from a drug overdose about 3 years later. I just KNOW we'll all understand and be together again. God bless you, my prayers are with you. Thank you for sharing your story.

It's hard losing someone close to you- the pain never really goes away, it just becomes part of you and you learn to live with it. I talk to my sister sometimes too. She missed out on so much, breaks my heart. Thanks for your kind words.

And ceywat, thank you for sharing yours. This is what Experience Project should really be about.

its not your fault
she was probably stressed about the exam
and the weight of expectation she put on herself is possibly what lead to her state of mind

beyond that its hard to convince someone once their mind is made up
its not your fault
you loved her and did your best for your family

forgive yourself
your sister probably wouldnt want you to be mad or angry

That is so true. It's hard though, a part of me will always feel like I should have done more.

My heart hurts for you. I cannot imagine your pain. I list a niece 9 years ago. My sister has never been the same.

Hard to believe that even after so many years have passed, sometimes it hurts as bad as the day it happened.

I'm sorry about the loss of your sister.My brother committed suicide almost 9 years ago.One of his friends had found him in his room in Florida.Jaden was the only one of my nieces or nephews who really got to know him.It really saddens me to know that my youngest little nephews and youngest little niece never got that chance.

That's how I feel about my sister- she never got the chance to meet my brother's kids or my son. Sorry for your loss too.

I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I had to face a suicide involving my closest family member. the two of us will never know what was happing medically and cognitively to cause our losses, so as hard as it is perhaps we should forgive if we can. After this happened to our family a comment in a psychology book helped me: referring to psychological professionals: “we are generally ineffective in predicting suicides”. It is not your fault nor was it your responsibility to predict this loss. I sincerely hope you have someone to talk to. Best wishes and best of luck,

I'm very sorry for your loss and can sympathize with you.
I lost my oldest brother to a self-inflicted gun shot, 26 years ago. It's a tragedy that will never be forgotten. Like you, I will always remember the day, I was notified of his death, and the anger and frustration that followed.

It just never goes away.

It never does.

Not trying to be insensitive here, but as a fellow CPA, it seemed she had so much going for her! Is everyone certain it was suicide?!

Strangely, I had a fleeting thought years ago when it happened. I was suspicious of the man that she was seeing. A few things happened that I thought were quite odd regarding him.

Yeah not even being close to the situation, it just seemed odd that she had so much going for her! So sorry for your pain, my dear! I'm so sorry you had to walk in on the scene. Was there ever any depression? You did say warning signs existed....

Thank you for this ... gives great insight into the pain left behind. Very well written, poignant, meaningful ...

The pain never goes away. It just becomes part of you.

It is rough for the people left behind.

That is so true. I describe it as being left in the aftermath of a tornado.

Thank you for sharing your story. I've been suicidal in the past. Thinking of the pain i would cause to those I leave behind gives me the strength to live one more day.

Glad you have decided to stay with us. The pain left behind is like the aftermath of a tornado.

Someone once said suicides are thieves. They rob us of their presence, their wisdom, their company and their knowledge. And most of all, themselves.

Never thought to look at it that way- so true!

This was said to me by a man who's mother committed suicide and he said it colored his entire life forever after. He carried such anger around at her for years.

It definitely has changed my life. I remember going through a period where I was mad at my sister. I went through so many different stages of grief.

After having something like that happen you must have wondered what you're own life was worth since your sister thought so little of hers and you both came from the same family.

Not exactly, it made me appreciate my life much more.

I'm glad, and happy for you. That's what it should do. I've been on the other side of the fence where I would think of ways to kill myself out of a dark, black depression, which is another world unto itself.

Stay here :)

I think I will. Thank you.

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losing your sister they way you did must be so difficult to live with, iv never experience this myself but i feel for you, the sadness you have must be so hard to deal with, you and your brother have each other to turn to.

losing your sister the way that you did was horrific, hope you,ve regained your strength to carry on.

I'm sorry for your loss . powerful writing there

Thank you :)

Your response to a question about riding the Pope mobile got me here. You are amazing. I love your attitude. I'm glad to have been able to peer into your window and see how strong people can be.

Thank you. I think it's my attitude that has gotten me through many difficult times!

I feel your pain, Suicide is the most terrible torture for those left behind.<br />
You write beautifully on this painful subject.<br />
Good Luck for the future and I hope the pain (which will never leave) eases slightly with the passing of time.

Thank you. it's been years, but still hurts at times.

I wanted to let you know that you have my greatest sympathy, and our hearts are truly saddened. Our sincere thoughts and prayers are with you...

Thank you :)

Thank you for sharing your story. I am grieving my sister as well and came across your story. Your thoughts are so eloquently expressed and helps me think through and relate to the emotions beneath the confusion. Thank you.

You are welcome, and I'm sorry for your loss. It does get better though, and one day you will get to that point. Just take it one day at time. Hugs to you!