In God’s HandsEverything was fine,
Everything was OK.
Those days were fun
-laughter and giggles filled our tiny room…full of Love.
And then one night,
It was sudden…I wasn’t ready…I wasn’t expecting.
How could one happy day changed into one lonely night
And made the rest of my life empty?
I didn’t know what to think…I didn’t know how to feel…
My mind was full of questions…I couldn’t find the answers.
How could you grow so fast?
How could you go so fast?
Were you ready?
Do you remember the days…
When I forced you to eat?
*I never wanted you to feel hungry.
When I bathed you?
*I wanted you to be thoroughly clean.
When I held your hands while we walk?
*I didn’t want you to be lost in a crowd.
I never let you go on your own…
- I was afraid that harm might come your way.
I was always with you…always beside you…
But you let go…
-I didn’t want you to go
-I was afraid for you
-You might not be ready
-You might be scared for I am not there to hold your hands…
I’m not there to ease your pain if you stumble…If you feel alone.
I was heartbroken.
Every single day, I wished for you to come back…
To be with us, to be with me again.
But then, I realized
-You are not alone
You will never be alone.
-We are not apart
We will never be apart.
I am with you and you are with me.
Thoughts of you should not make me feel empty or lonely or sad,
It should make me feel strong- for you, for Yvo, for papa.
I was avoiding happiness.
I was avoiding laughter.
I didn’t want you to think that you were forgotten.
I didn’t want you to feel that you were gone.
I know that these were my selfish thoughts, for I know that you wouldn’t want me
to think and feel that way.
I know…for all the adventures,
for all the laughter in the future…
you are with us still…and the nicest part about that is…
you are the one guiding us.
I also realized that it is not the end for you…it is the beginning of your
new life, and it’s a wonderful eternal life.
No pain… no sadness… no sufferings.
Every moment is full of Love and happiness.
We may not be together in that joyous place right now,
but we are going to be.
And you shall not wait…Because I am the one waiting…
And if that time comes, I’m embracing it.
For I know that I’m holding you in my arms again…
And It is Forever.
I trust that you are safe…
In the care of my thoughts…with my love that warms you.
and knowing that-
You are in God’s hands.
(April 27, 2011)
**** I found EP 'cause I was looking for stories same as mine, I just wanted to feel that I am not alone, and how other moms are feeling and how to cure the pain, I lost my son too, it's almost 4 months now, but it is very painful, he was only 10. I can't even think or say that I lost him, I just tell my self that he is not really gone and he's my angel now. My other son, his younger brother is 9 y/o, I don't know what he's really feeling, sometimes I ask him if he misses his older brother. I know that he misses him as much as I do, they played together. Maybe he's handling things better than I do.
I made "In God's hands" maybe to make me feel strong every time I read it, but I'm not sure if it's working. I think of my Kobe everyday, I cry everyday, I always ask God to let my son visit me even in my dreams, I just want to see him, talk to him, hold him in my arms and tell him that I love him so much..I haven't dreamed of him until now, I wonder why..
after writing "in God's hands" I also made "a letter to God".
I've made bad choices and wrong decisions in the past.
Please forgive me for I was not responsible enough
and if there were moments that I thought only of myself.
I am sorry when there were times that I doubted your existence
and when I just called upon you when I was in need.
I am deeply sorry when I got angry and I questioned you
when you took away one of my precious treasures.
I still don't understand why...but I know that you have a purpose.
Thank you for giving me strength when there are times that
I just want to give-up.
I am not worth your love...but you are still here with me,
guiding me and giving me hope.
Every night I pray to you, and every night is the same prayer.
I hope that you will grant me that one thing that I want the most,
but if it's not time, it's Ok...I will wait.
For the love...for the guidance...for my family and friends...
for my kids, my angels...Thank You.
Love, hugs and kisses to my baby.