Sammy, I Miss You So Much

My son, Samuel Joseph McCully, died on Sept. 23, 2011. I had just seen him 7 hours earlier. He accidentally shot himself. He was 26, his birthday was a month away.

Sam and I were so close. He was an admitted 'Mama's boy". Sam was funny, kind, generous to a fault, a loyal friend, genuine, thoughtful...just a good person. We had such fun together. He had his issues, who doesn't? He wasn't a perfect person, but he was the perfect boy for me. And for that to be ripped from me, from us.

The longest Sam and I had been apart was the 9 months waiting for him to be born. And now it's over a year. We died too, that day. We are trying to find a new normal, some way to be ok. It's not easy. I'm different. We're all different. Your dad, your brother and your niece. It's painful, Sam. It really is. I don't wish this on anyone. I will say your loss has made me a kinder person. More mindful of what I think, say and do. I volunteer more. Helping others helps me. I got another dog. I walk when I'm sad. I walk the dogs for hours. I've worn out three pairs of shoes since you died.
I miss you. I hope you're safe, I hope you have happiness, I hope you have love surrounding you.
Joanie53 Joanie53
51-55, F
3 Responses Dec 4, 2012

18 years since my son accidentally shot himself at age 23 and died on July 31, 1995 and I can only tell you that it doesn't become 'easier', just are able to adapt to what society expects for you to 'move on' and never let them see how much of you died at that moment, too. I never want anyone to know what it is like, but wish people, in general, would accept the fact this is a life changing event for a parent.

Sympathies for your loss - Sam sounds like a wonderful son.

I lost my son when he was 29, of a sudden illness, and I was crazy with grief. I thought I would never be OK and I simply couldn't figure out how I could, or why I should, continue to live without him.

And in some ways, I've come to realize, it's true that I will never be OK. But I've worked hard in the last 3.5 yrs, to find ways to add other sources of joy and purpose to my life, and to learn to handle the pain that never fades away.

One thing that helps me is to remind myself that I am doing it for my son - to honor him, to remember him, to keep my heart, where he resides, beating for him. I could always make myself do anything, if I was doing it for him.

So now, I'm doing this: Continuing to live, day to day. For him.

All my best to you.

believe you will love it.
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