For Mothers Who Grieve

Andrew and Thomas    --by Shelly Wagner


 A simple question

 Never a problem before.

"Do you have any children?"

 Really a simple question.

 Easily, I say "Yes", but

 What do I say to "How many?"



"Two", my hard-headed

                Heart always says.

                One is dead.

                Must I say only one?

                Absolutely not-I have two


datura datura
56-60, F
43 Responses Aug 19, 2008

You will always be a mother of two.

i know what you feeling i have two children to my son that was 19 and at time i lost him my daughter just turn 16 and to this day i tell everyone i have two children but one a angel in heaven but he still my baby boy

My son Maddox was born with a rare skeletal disorder called campomelic dysplasia. He was born November 7, 2011 and passed away 7 weekd later on December 26, 2011. We had no idea he had any issues when he was born at 28 weeks. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. You are not alone.

Thank you for posting this. It is exactly how I feel when people ask how many children I have. I always say two as I cannot deny my first son's existence, for the sake of making a conversation less awkward for the asker. My oldest son, Ruairi, died when he was a week old and would be four now. My youngest son, Kieran, just turned one and I love them both so much. <br />
<br />

I too have 2 sons. My 1st. Kobe - he was 10 y/o when God took him. every time I think of him, and I tell myself that he is an Angel now, he is my Angel. I talk to him before I sleep, i tell him that he's a higher being now, that he's been promoted by God..I don't want to think that he's gone, I always tell myself that he's always with me. He is my son, and that will never change.<br />
For us mothers, we're OK. Our kids are in God's hands.

It has been almost 17 years sence my son was killed in a car wreck, my only child. My email address says where my son is myangelmyson. When someone asks if I have any children I say yes, I have a wonderful son waiting for me in Heaven. <br />
If I were you and someone ask me how many kids I have I would say two, 1 on earth 1 in Heaven.

Thank you all for your comments. My heart goes out to each of you.I hope that time will bring you some sense of peace and connection to your lost child.

Gmverts, I just noticed your comment - so sorry to read of the loss of your precious Paul. I still cry several times a week, and my son (29 yrs old) died in July of 2009.<br />
<br />
I long for him all the time, and have had only three dreams I can remember about him. The first two were very fleeting, and I saw him in the distance but could not talk to him. In the last one, I got to hug him and tell him how much I missed him and loved him. I hope I have more like that.<br />
<br />
My sympathies again for your loss. Know that you are not alone.

I have a few dreams of my son, he hugged me once, the second was about when he was a baby, comforting but sad at the same time

I lost Paul, my 25 yr old son July 12, 2010. My heat aches ever so much. I know your hurt and am so sorry you must have to go through this. I yearn to feel his presence but I have not as of yet. I still cry every day. God has told, my husband to trust him on this one, God has given spiritual visions to his girlfriend of 7 yes and one other friend,but as of yet I have not had even one dream of him. I miss his presence. He fell asleep and that was it. Six months later the report says... Natural causes, Sudden death of unknown etiology.

Datura, my heart is with yours in Happiness that feels like sorrow and loss. My son went to Heaven on February 21, 2010...I am numb...I can't believe he is not here for me to talk to in an audible voice every day. I hear him talk to me, we laugh and share our experiences....I know I will see him again.<br />
For I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and he is preparing a place for us.. Imagine your son riding Roller Coasters and building his home for you to come and visit, Forgive me, do you believe in Heaven? Think happy thoughts,,for me I know my son is no longer in pain. He did not believe in using drugs, he refused to take Chemo which destroyed his Liver and his Kidneys. He became a vegan, worked out, loved to share the Gospel and he shared the other part of his life with a girl he married 2 1/2 years ago. He loved her very much....I ask God to watch over us those who had a relationship with a wonderful young man. I Love You...God give you peace and comfort. Madrevillalba

Thanks Flugel. You know how it feels, too. So sorry about your sister. Your nephew is blessed that you and your dad are in his life.

Hugs...I feel the same when I am asked how many brothers and sisters I have. I have two sisters - one is passed. I have one brother although I have a nephew that we view as a brother because following my mum and sisters deaths my dad raised him as a son. <br />
<br />
I am really sorry for your loss. Hugs xx

Thank you, Anna. I am always relieved when September is over now.

Datura,<br />
I remember that September is an especially challenging time of year for you and I wanted you to know that I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers.<br />

Thank you,Mother. I believe that is true, too.

Yes, MissyouE, and it will probably always remain a painful question. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I know exactly what you mean. I hate the question, "How many kids do you have?" It makes me want to scream. I always answer. "3", although I am now left with only 2. Sometimes I don't even explain that my son is gone.

Thank you, Max and Destry.<br />
<br />
I can feel the love.

Hi there, little bro.<br />
<br />
Yes, and it is a comforting thought.<br />
<br />
love to you as well!<br />

hi there big sister.<br />
<br />
he is up there with matt and all our dearly departed.<br />
<br />
strength and love and peace to you.<br />
<br />
love <br />

Hi missingtyler and welcome to EP. <br />
<br />
Your response for the question is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

First time posting....It took me a long time to talk and to I guess, accept the death of my son. <br />
<br />
I was missing Tyler tonight so I googled "missing my son" and this website came up. I wish I would have known about this sooner. However when I saw the first question, <br />
<br />
"How many children do you have?" <br />
<br />
I thought wow, she hurts too when she is asked the question. <br />
<br />
My Answer:<br />
I always say "2 surviving and 1 angel waiting for me" Then if need be I state "I lost my first born son, Tyler Jacob 12 yrs ago"<br />
<br />
I never leave Tyler out! I would feel too guilty! He is my son and will always be. He's just somewhere else that I am not, but will be someday.<br />
<br />
And as far as the pain, only someone who has lost a loved one can state there opinion. I believe there is really no "true, correct or right" answer. It is a matter of opinion and mine is: IT DOESN'T GO AWAY, I HAVE JUST LEARNED TO LIVE WITH IT. <br />
<br />
Thanks for listening, <br />
<br />
<br />
Tiny Angels rest your wings<br />
sit with me for awhile.<br />
How I long to hold your hand,<br />
And see your tender smile.<br />
Tiny Angel, look at me,<br />
I want this image clear....<br />
That I will forget your precious face<br />
Is my biggest fear.<br />
Tiny Angel can you tell me,<br />
Why you have gone away?<br />
You weren't here for very long....<br />
Why is it, you couldn't stay?<br />
Tiny Angel shook his head,<br />
"These things I do not know....<br />
But I do know that you love me,<br />
And for that I love you so".

What a lovely way to put it, Abooklover, and so true.<br />
<br />
Sarrina, I am so sorry for your loss. It is a painful question to be asked, and I still dread it. Listening to your own intuition is always wise.

I had only the one son, who died very recently, and now I dread this "do you have any children?" question.<br />
<br />
I guess I will cross the bridge when I come to it, and just answer in whatever way seems right, when I'm asked.

Thank you, Princess. It means a lot.

Thank you, Handy2iam.

I think you are a very strong woman my sweets. And i'm sure it even made you stronger by now.<br />
God Bless you and yours always.<br />
I have lost many relatives in my life,,, even to being murdered, I think I understand.<br />
God Bless

Do good for others. Volunteer. Make sure there are good things done (put your departed son's name on the good deeds you do) Donate five dollars in your son's name to a worthy charity. The shriners were on the street corner the other day collecting. I put a dollar in the bucket and said" This is for my son who died."<br />
"God bless you, I will say a prayer for you and your son," were the words I heard. It does me good to do good in the name of my loved ones who have gone.

Timing is a powerful force, those who have transcended time itself, can no doubt work in mysterious and meaningful ways. I love the story about your brother choosing the perfect time--in more ways than one--to bring all of you exactly the sort of support you needed. Beautiful! <br />
<br />
Did you ever see "What dreams may come" with Robin Williams? I love the way that he is able to portray the intense bond that can unite us across timespace.

Swanfether, I am sorry for your loss and glad that you also had spiritual tools to help you in your grief.<br />
I, too, have two brothers and one of them has died. My baby brother,also, although cancer took him--eight years ago in September at the age of 44. His funeral was on the 4th anniversary of my son's journey. It was a comfort to truly believe that my son was there to meet him.<br />
<br />
My brother was a kind and wonderful person, and the thought occurred to me that he made his journey during the same week as my son because he didn't want to cause another week of my life to be filled with grief each year.

P.S. I am so glad that you were doing the course-in-miracles at the time of his passing. <br />
<br />
I understand how much difference being on the spiritual path can make. You write, "It helped me to deal with it and to understand that my seeming loss was his evolution." <br />
<br />
When my brother died I found that the spiritual work I'd done got its first real test. I remember meditating in his walk in closet (I'd not seen him in 2 years cause I'd moved out of state & flew home at the news). In meditation I felt him so strongly and felt the okayness of where he was in his journey. It almost felt beautiful during the experience. Of course the missing went on and took some hard forms over the years that followed. <br />
<br />
At another very difficult point in my life, I began the course-in-miracles and did it faithfully each day until it concluded. That was an anchor that not only got me through a trying year, but it changed my outlook forever. I remember the one page that has always stayed with me. The exercise for the day was to look at every ob<x>ject one encountered (a chair, a fork, a tree, a person, running water, etc.) and ask "What is this for?" Wow--doing something that can reorient your whole life!<br />
<br />
The mystery of life and death is beyond us, and yet we must grapple with it...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Datura }}}}}}}}}}}} 12 Hugs for you. <br />
<br />
Of course you have 3 children. Not had, but have. To me, its not so much a question of the comfort others may or may not feel--that's part of life. But rather, of the very powerful connection chord you share with your son (wherever he may be now). On the level of no-time I feel that our love always reaches the one we send it to. And can be received as well.<br />
<br />
My baby brother was born when I was 11. He died in a car wreck at just after his 20th birthday. Its not at all the same as losing one's own child but I pretty much raised him and we were very close. My living brother and I have nothing in common and are friendly, but rarely in touch. So I too have grappled with the question, Do you have brothers & sisters. It seems impossible to just say "I have 2 brothers." I always say, "I have 2 brothers and one of them died." <br />
<br />
"..."Two", my hard-headed Heart always says..."<br />
<br />
I am grateful for heard-headed hearts! Its the love determined to exist and glow. <br />
<br />
I am very sorry for the loss your entire family, and all his friends had to face. I'm sure that the land where he grew up is a bond and a comfort in holding him close... If you ever want to share any stories of your son, it would be a privilege to hear them.

Ladee , thank you. I know you understand.Thank you for your wise words, my friend.<br />
<br />
IWM, I also know that he will be waiting for me as you so beautifully stated. You,too, will be given the strength that you need for your journey. And I believe that one day we will understand the things that have happened to us on this plane in a far different light.<br />
<br />
Maisie, Thank you for the love you show to me. I, too, believe there are no accidents.And often I feel as if my son is helping me.<br />
<br />
Redman, the poem is so beautiful, so comforting."Continue to strive toward your goals and be brave"...that is so fitting. I have often thought that the best way to honor my son is to live my life well and to carry on with love rather than bitterness.

Forget Me Not<br />
<br />
Forget me not, for I am there<br />
In the beat of your heart,<br />
On the wing of your prayer.<br />
<br />
Forgive me my parting and leaving you thus,<br />
A joyous reunion is waiting for us!<br />
<br />
Continue to strive toward your goal and be brave.<br />
Know that my love didn't stop at the grave.<br />
<br />
My spirit is with you through good times and bad.<br />
I share all the joys and the sorrows you've had.<br />
<br />
Feel my presence within your next breath<br />
And realize there's no distance in death.<br />
<br />
Ask for my help and I'll answer your call.<br />
Reach for my hand when you stumble and fall.<br />
<br />
Run the last mile with a smile on your face.<br />
My arms will be waiting when you finish the race.<br />
<br />
Always remember, my love is right there<br />
In the beat of your heart,<br />
On the wing of your prayer.<br />
<br />
<br />
~© Linda Shelburn Reagan~

Datura, I remember you shared this privately with me...way back when....I honor your courage, your strength, your love, and integrity. I have a difficult time walking through life with the challenges that have been thrown at me, friend..are a special woman. Yes, you're son is with you, and when the times comes for your soul to leave this earth...he will be waiting for you with open arms. Thank you for opening yourself up to myself and to others. You are truly a gift from above.<br />
<br />
Ladee...every day I learn something new about you. I thank you and honor you also. <br />
<br />
Women such as you, give someone like me....a woman who has just begun her journey....hope.<br />
<br />

You are right, FT. I have felt his presence many times.

I'm pretty sure that the answer is that she has two sons. One may have passed on, but he is still hers, and will always be. <br />
<br />
I would also be willing to believe that at times, Datura has actually felt his presence.

Thank you, WiseOldOwl.You are indeed wise.<br />
<br />
Aftermath, Thank you for your kind words. I have always been thankful that I was well into my spiritual journey when my son crossed over. It helped me to deal with it and to understand that my seeming loss was his evolution.I was doing the workbook for A Course in Miracles at the time of his passing. I truly feel that it had been brought to me as a gift from the Universe to prepare me.

Oh Datura, I am so sorry for you and your family for your loss. And, even as you experience your pain you think of sparing others of any discomfort. Thank you for taking the time to help others by sharing your wisdom and curative powers. There are alternative paths you could have taken, we are blessed to have you with us.

No datura, that would not be the truth. Your son still lives on in your heart. Maybe you could explain it that way.

Thank you, Dee.<br />
<br />
Maisie, I understand.<br />
<br />
It will soon be twelve years since my son made his journey. I still dread the question "How many children do you have". I know that I must say three, for unlike the woman who wrote the poem, I have a daughter also. "How old are they?" It is here that I say that my oldest has died.<br />
<br />
I know that this will make the questioner get that certain look on their face--a look of pain for my loss, a look of sadness and possibly even regret that they asked the question. They say, "Oh, I'm so sorry." I know I could spare them the discomfort if I simply answered two. I cannot do that.

My cousin had a still-born daughter almost 20 yrs. ago. The family STILL has a private celebration on her birthday, and her only hospital pic STILL hangs on the wall with the other childrens' pics.

Oh, Datura.. I can't imagine a greater sorrow than losing a child. Absolutely.. you have two sons.. both in your heart, everyday. His was a life worth celebrating.. we should try to focus on the life of the dear ones we have lost, instead of their death. Just a little piece of advice I heard once :)