I Miss My Soulmate
Unrequited Love Stings -especially When Trapped W/ A Psycho In A Loveless "marriage"
By:
DancingShiva
Written on July 10th, 2010
Long story short:
I'm gay, he's... ??? We were young, trying to be "normal" and we accidentally made a baby and decided to keep it and
become a family. Fast-forward 12 years. We're still legally married because our son ended up having Autism and needing
500% typical parenting from both of us and we're both really great on-board parents. We're still co-habitating because we're
broke (Autism sucked away what little savings we had) and can't afford separate living. Our personal lives are non-existant
and we try to balance paying the bills and furthering our respective educations with meeting the kiddo's incredible needs
but it is extremely stressful and lonely. While we usually operate very well as co-parents and generally get along as friends,
every now and then his temper is explosive and frightening (usually when the kiddo is asleep). Now that our son is reaching
pre-adolescence, he has been copying some of this explosive behavior (though to be sure, much of it is fueled by Autistic frustration).
But really, on nights like tonight, I grieve quietly to myself while they sleep. I grieve for my first and only love that I foolishly
gave up because my idiotic family of origin disowned me because they thought I was "sick" and only accepted me back
once I'd married a man and had his baby (never mind that I'm still gay and we're totally miserable when we try to be a couple).
I also grieve the decade I've lost because of a poorly made immature choice. I grieve my son's bleak future as an adult with Autism that doesn't come from a family with money or any siblings or cousins to watch out for him. I grieve and I grieve and I try to release
the past and let it all go and sometimes, like tonight, it just floods into my heart and out upon my cheeks.
I'm gay, he's... ??? We were young, trying to be "normal" and we accidentally made a baby and decided to keep it and
become a family. Fast-forward 12 years. We're still legally married because our son ended up having Autism and needing
500% typical parenting from both of us and we're both really great on-board parents. We're still co-habitating because we're
broke (Autism sucked away what little savings we had) and can't afford separate living. Our personal lives are non-existant
and we try to balance paying the bills and furthering our respective educations with meeting the kiddo's incredible needs
but it is extremely stressful and lonely. While we usually operate very well as co-parents and generally get along as friends,
every now and then his temper is explosive and frightening (usually when the kiddo is asleep). Now that our son is reaching
pre-adolescence, he has been copying some of this explosive behavior (though to be sure, much of it is fueled by Autistic frustration).
But really, on nights like tonight, I grieve quietly to myself while they sleep. I grieve for my first and only love that I foolishly
gave up because my idiotic family of origin disowned me because they thought I was "sick" and only accepted me back
once I'd married a man and had his baby (never mind that I'm still gay and we're totally miserable when we try to be a couple).
I also grieve the decade I've lost because of a poorly made immature choice. I grieve my son's bleak future as an adult with Autism that doesn't come from a family with money or any siblings or cousins to watch out for him. I grieve and I grieve and I try to release
the past and let it all go and sometimes, like tonight, it just floods into my heart and out upon my cheeks.
By:
DancingShiva
Age:
31-35
