Unrequited Love Stings -especially When Trapped W/ A Psycho In A Loveless "marriage"

Long story short:
I'm gay, he's... ??? We were young, trying to be "normal" and we accidentally made a baby and decided to keep it and
become a family. Fast-forward 12 years. We're still legally married because our son ended up having Autism and needing
500% typical parenting from both of us and we're both really great on-board parents. We're still co-habitating because we're
broke (Autism sucked away what little savings we had) and can't afford separate living. Our personal lives are non-existant
and we try to balance paying the bills and furthering our respective educations with meeting the kiddo's incredible needs
but it is extremely stressful and lonely. While we usually operate very well as co-parents and generally get along as friends,
every now and then his temper is explosive and frightening (usually when the kiddo is asleep). Now that our son is reaching
pre-adolescence, he has been copying some of this explosive behavior (though to be sure, much of it is fueled by Autistic frustration).
But really, on nights like tonight, I grieve quietly to myself while they sleep. I grieve for my first and only love that I foolishly
gave up because my idiotic family of origin disowned me because they thought I was "sick" and only accepted me back
once I'd married a man and had his baby (never mind that I'm still gay and we're totally miserable when we try to be a couple).
I also grieve the decade I've lost because of a poorly made immature choice. I grieve my son's bleak future as an adult with Autism that doesn't come from a family with money or any siblings or cousins to watch out for him. I grieve and I grieve and I try to release
the past and let it all go and sometimes, like tonight, it just floods into my heart and out upon my cheeks.
DancingShiva DancingShiva
31-35
1 Response Jul 10, 2010

I have 20 lonely years of bringing up a son on the autistic spectrum ( and his non-autistic brother) - no relationships - no life - cus the only energy I had - I had to use to help my son . .fought long & dirty battles with LEA & Social Services etc - big time - got him into a really good specialist school for " able" boys with autistic spectrum disorders - he got 5 GCSE's grades A-C .During this time I tried every which way to help us - as a family move forward - and achieved a 1st class honours degree - ... I started a PhD in Tropical Medicine . . gave up my career a year later to put 100% into his needs as they escalated beyond mainstream educational support . . . in time this necessitated making myself personally bankrupt . . .strived on! ...lots more to tell as I'm sure you'd know .....Now at 44 yrs old, I am unable to work because of a stress-related disorder - apparently as a result of many years of unabated stress. My son doesn't listen to or accept my help . . .any money he has he wastes - spending on weed etc . . not food or heating or clothes ( despite being so majorly anti drugs/smoking etc at age 10 - 12 yrs). He has a social worker who has allocateed substantial funds - because of his level of need - but 5 months later on - no support has arrived. He is currently living in a city centre hostel. Alone & isolated .... grievieng over a living soul - your own childs lost potential - & yours with it . . . . .I know it . . . . I guess our children do in some way too. I wish I knew the answers. Sometimes we have to be a bit more philosophical than we want to be - if you had stayed with your "soulmate" you would never have known any of this - & although I would happily join you shouting from the rooftops - "I didn't need to know any of this heartache, pain & destructiion" - the only thing that keeps me going is that there has to be a reason- even if i don't know the reason - & would probably still hate the torturous, unrelenting day to day, day in day out destructive nature of this experience, Don't beat yourself up - Believe in yourself - & maybe a much bigger plan at work???. Much love to you & yours x