My Soul Mates Death

 My wonderful Leslie passed in my arms at Hospice at 2 Am December 7th, 2009 on our 12th Anniversary. What started as a backache in September turned into a nightmare 22 of November when my husband could no longer stand up and was in horrible pain. We went to the urgent care they ran tests and sent for an ambulance to take my baby to the hospital. The next day the Dr's came in and said he had end stage cancer the had matisiced to his spine, liver and pancreas. One of his vertebrae had collapsed and he was in risk of becoming paralyzed. His liver had grown so large it had collapsed is lung. The doctors say he had had for at least a year with no signs. The week went so fast. All the tests, all the pain, all the medications, he was getting weaker each day. on the following Friday the 6 hour surgery to fix the spine lasted 12 hours. He was take to CCU due to him not coming off the ventilator after surgery. Finally 2 days later he was off the vent.. The docs were keeping him under some anistetict so he did not feel the full effects from the surgery. Finally there was some signs of him waking up and having some communication with us. but everyday was more and more tests. His body was getting weaker, the cancer was still having issues, his kidneys could not keep up with all the stuff the liver was giving out. Even dialysis was not helping. On the 6th we all agreed to spend the rest of his time in hospice. We got there at 7pm he was made comfortable. I sat beside him the rest of the night. I talked to him about all kinds of things, i kissed him a lot and touched him to let him know i was there..Things changed around 1:15 with the pain and breathing. His morphine was increased which seemed to help. Again the breathing slowed and i could see it was time. I told him i loved him and that it was ok for him to go. Then it was over. I continued to talk to him for a while and called the family to come back. I stayed until 7am just talking and crying.  I lied to him. It was not ok for him to go. I am so lost now. We did everything together. We drove to work together, i worked on the first floor he was on the second. We walked together everyday on our break, lunch was together, we went to the gym together, had fun together, always together... now we are both separate. I feel like he betrayed me. The feelings of loss are so intense and cruel. What are we supposed to learn from this? That we are allowed a moment to be in bliss and the rest of our lives to be kicked in the guts and feel like it is a knife being thrust into our hearts with each breath, with each thought of this person. I am so lost, empty, angry and just alone. I want him back.

Leslieslove Leslieslove
41-45, F
11 Responses Dec 18, 2009

Hello Leslieslove, Your story is so similar to my own, I felt that I was right beside you. My beloved John had developed a huge blood clot in his L leg in mid March 2008, a totally random event. No injury or long flight to account for it, but no true investigation to determine why. Then just as that was resolving and we were thinking that we could get back to some normalcy, he began to vomit every time he ate. He had been feeling a bit tired, that we put down to getting older.. but the vomiting very quickly became worse, so we went to the ED. He was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer that day. He was kept in hospital for about 3 weeks, then came home for a few days, but the pain became worse so he was admitted to hospice. What wonderful people they are there. I stayed with him all the time, and when his last hours approached, I called all our family in. They had all been coming and going through his illness anyway. My beloved John died in my arms at 6.20am on the 3rd June 2008. We had been married 39 years.
One thing I did notice, never once have I blamed John for dying! I know that can be a normal response to grief, but it wasn't part of mine. I chose, instead, to blame the hospital for not investigating more rigorously, though logic tells me that even then, it would have been too late.
Even now, almost 5 years later, I miss him sorely. The wrenching pain of loss has gone, and now it is just a sad ache deep within. I don't know if we ever "get over this loss", but I do think we learn to walk beside our grief, rather that within it.
I spent several years waiting for him to walk in the door, even now, I can still hear his voice. I still have an emptiness deep within, and an aching loneliness that I don't think will go away. Again, I feel that this is something we have to learn to live with. Of course you want him back. I do too. But we have to learn that our lives have now changed, and will never be the same again. There can be no going back.
I have gone on and done things, I took a trip overseas, where I worked in the UK for 6 months, (mainly to get my head out of the space it was in). Now I am home and retired from paid work. I maintain our home, keep a vegetable garden, (that was John's area), have joined several social clubs, do aquarobics, involve myself in my church, and still have our children and grandchilden to keep me on my toes. But, I guess, until the children also suffer such a loss, they will never truly know what it is to loose your life partner, your soulmate. John so loved life, and his family, and me unconditionally and was always a happy man, so I continue to live my life as well as I can as one way to honour his life.
Each one of us come to some sort of acceptance in our own way, our journeys are unique to each of us individually, and yet our stories are so achingly similar. One year, five years, ten years. I think each of us will always carry our beloved in our hearts as we go on with the business of living our own lives. That is what we are here to do, to live our lives as well as each of us is able. We still have families and friends, children and grandchildren, brothers and sisters. May God bless you

My brother lost his soul mate of 30 years, all family is having terrible time accepting our loss, wayne is my brother and very concerned for his mental health he don,t want to talk much and I am helpless, what can I do to help my loving brother? they were so connected and freak golf cart accident took her from him on May 30th. When she passed he even vomited blood. I think this was part of him losing her being they were as one flesh when married 30 yrs ago, Missing her so much, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

WOW as i read all your comments etc I to am on a roller coaster that seems subteranian most of the time. I met my soul mate 10yr ish ago and if she had lived another month would have made my birthday and 7yrs being the greatist wife anyman could wish for. She fought cancer for 3yrs lost her long blonde hair via cemo twice and we spent so much time in hospitals etc. In a brief remand for her i found i had very bad prostate cancer so spent a month having radio treatment every day and all the hell that goes with that. Then just as i finish my treatment my wife finds hers is back with a vengence, **** this is so hard. Ok trying hard to write this. I tried so hard to keep her strong and look after her, but after our last holiday 4 weeks in america and 5,000 miles she went downhill so fast, she was to weak for her birthday then hospital again for a few weeks stay back out with a bag on her belly that was living hell but i delt with that even when she was in hospital. Then she really could not eat and very weak over our last non Christmas at the same time my Mum was in coma state with cancer she died a few days before my wife and i had two funerals in febuary then another six family members since then. My dad died from prostate cancer around 25 to 30yrs ago. I am now 61 and my darling soul mate, friend, wife and i feel most of me died with her at 56. SORRY this so long i feel soo empty now and must be filling the lakes up hear with the run off. This December and next few months are going to be so hard to to get through, but i can see now i am not the only one going through hell and emptyness alone. If you could please check out the last project we worked on I am trying to keep it going for her but not finding links or getting up the rateings ladder very easy. sorry if this is wrong but i want it to work for her memory she put so much into everything, untill there she was so weak i had do everything for her. I love and miss you babe and always will xxxx

Hi all my friends here. I wanted to let you know I am ok I am surviving one day at a time. I still have days like yesterday and today where he is so on my mind and i feel like i could just stop breathing. I do not i keep going as i guess we are all meant to. I have not determined what my path in life is going to be but it is unveiling slowly. Thanks to all you for the stories i feel so alone. I am so sorry for all the losses as i know it is so painful.

I also lost the love of my life on 15/7/2010. Nothing prepares you for this painfull journey.<br />
We were together 10 years and Mike also died from liver cancer which was undetected until it was too late. So now I find myself alone in a strange city as we had just recently moved back to South Africa after spending two years in the Uk. Thank goodness my children give me a reason to face this<br />
seemingly pointless life without him. We were never apart . He was such a<br />
energetic person and every day was a new adventure. To all the people going through the same grief<br />
just take baby steps each day and trust that somehow we will have the strength to go on.

I also wanted to add I lost Paul on November 20/2009. Shortly before that on January 21/2009 I lost my father to stomach cancer. On December 28/2009 although quite small I lost the giniuea pig that was our 1st pet together he was 8. My chocolate lab started getting sick in march with liver disease I just fell to my knees and started praying far so good :) I have had to sell the house as the entire financial part of my life is extremly different so I need to move by July 16/2009, the house sold with the first walk through, no time to breathe yet. I can honestly sympathize with you please don't feel bad this is the worst thing to go through asnd others that have not been there do not know they can only either try to feel for us, feel bad for us, comfort us or just leave us aslone completly because they don't know what to do. I don't think there's an answer I am still waiting for an answer as I do our ritual 3x knock on the wall which we used to do when not in the same room to let eachother know we love eachother my brasin thinks I get answers sometimes. If you want to email feel's a big hug from a fellow widower

I read your story asnd pain qlenched my heart a second between fear and memory. If you are like me you are waiting for the words I am waiting for...I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I lost my soulmate Paul in a hospital while I too was holding him. We were together just over 8 years and my life is a rollercoaster now. I too loved being together now I'm alone I get the anger too. All this talk of ghosts? Where the heck is my husband? I don't get it. If you want to email me it's if you ever want to just talk and write.

Thanks for the thoughts. I am still in pain. I feel so empty and find it hard to move in this world. Many tell me the pain will ease i guess in time.

June you are very sweet. I know your words will make her feel better.

I can't imagine how you feel. I have a few people in my life for whom I feel deeply the way you describe here - I don't want to think of how it'll be like to lose them.<br />
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None of us have the answer to why these things happen but you have been blessed with someone you loved so strong, I believe more blessings are coming your way. The only thing between you and them is time.<br />
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Do know that I am thinking about you and I hope it doesn't offend you for me to say that I'm praying for you.

I am sorry for your lose. Saddened by your story. <br />
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What do we learn? You found more love in your heart in 12 years then most of us find in a life time. You found the person you will spend eternity with. This had made you the person you are. Please keep you happy memories until you join him again.