My Soul Mates Death
My wonderful Leslie passed in my arms at Hospice at 2 Am December 7th, 2009 on our 12th Anniversary. What started as a backache in September turned into a nightmare 22 of November when my husband could no longer stand up and was in horrible pain. We went to the urgent care they ran tests and sent for an ambulance to take my baby to the hospital. The next day the Dr's came in and said he had end stage cancer the had matisiced to his spine, liver and pancreas. One of his vertebrae had collapsed and he was in risk of becoming paralyzed. His liver had grown so large it had collapsed is lung. The doctors say he had had for at least a year with no signs. The week went so fast. All the tests, all the pain, all the medications, he was getting weaker each day. on the following Friday the 6 hour surgery to fix the spine lasted 12 hours. He was take to CCU due to him not coming off the ventilator after surgery. Finally 2 days later he was off the vent.. The docs were keeping him under some anistetict so he did not feel the full effects from the surgery. Finally there was some signs of him waking up and having some communication with us. but everyday was more and more tests. His body was getting weaker, the cancer was still having issues, his kidneys could not keep up with all the stuff the liver was giving out. Even dialysis was not helping. On the 6th we all agreed to spend the rest of his time in hospice. We got there at 7pm he was made comfortable. I sat beside him the rest of the night. I talked to him about all kinds of things, i kissed him a lot and touched him to let him know i was there..Things changed around 1:15 with the pain and breathing. His morphine was increased which seemed to help. Again the breathing slowed and i could see it was time. I told him i loved him and that it was ok for him to go. Then it was over. I continued to talk to him for a while and called the family to come back. I stayed until 7am just talking and crying. I lied to him. It was not ok for him to go. I am so lost now. We did everything together. We drove to work together, i worked on the first floor he was on the second. We walked together everyday on our break, lunch was together, we went to the gym together, had fun together, always together... now we are both separate. I feel like he betrayed me. The feelings of loss are so intense and cruel. What are we supposed to learn from this? That we are allowed a moment to be in bliss and the rest of our lives to be kicked in the guts and feel like it is a knife being thrust into our hearts with each breath, with each thought of this person. I am so lost, empty, angry and just alone. I want him back.