A Friend

I have had so many friends that I wanted to be more than friends with. That's the type of guy I am. Eventually, I got over them, each and every one. But every once in a while I start thinking about somebody...

God, it is pathetic how not a shot in hell I ever had with any of them. So, it's got to be a relatively unhealthy part of me that misses them in that way. The crushing way. The puppy love way. Somehow I must think that they ever think that way about me.

This particular friend didn't even like guys. Well, she didn't date them is what I mean. She better have at least liked them because all the guys I knew liked her. We were all in grad school together, trying to get ourselves to a certain level of competence working with actors, planning shots, knowing what the hell we were doing. I thought we would all be so bonded that our friendships would carry on forever.  Especially with her. My crush. it didn't. She went on with her fabulous life.

I went on to a huge depression, and financial hardship. And I am embarrassed to even talk with her.

My inner life is so bogged down with thoughts like this. Wish I could get out of my head.