I Miss Someone Very Much That I Barely Know...

It's not my partner, and it's not a friend either, although it almost was, we almost were, until we said farewell that afternoon in a cafe and I kissed her cheek just for a brief moment, as female friends do when they say goodbye, and found myself unable to move or pull away, craving for her presence and her touch, anchored to her as a boat that has finally come home after decades of being lost and adrift...By the time we came apart I knew something irreparable had taken place, not something shameful, sinful or dirty, but something that could change the dynamic of our relationship forever, and that could redefine it if we gave it a chance in spite of all the hurdles, obstacles and inconveniences that surround our lives, specially mine...Somehow I still thought we would be able to get together and move beyond the awkwardness of that moment, without forcing anything but without denying anything, simply acknowledging the attraction and keep on walking, even if one doesn’t quite know where the uncertain path is leading you. It’s easy for me to be comfortable in the realm of logic and discovery, after all I worked for long enough with machines and numbers...If I do x, the outcome should be y, and if isn’t we’ll try z, but emotions and life don’t follow a pattern and one can’t estimate an outcome based on random or calculated actions. The only outcome I knew I wouldn’t be able to tolerate was one without her, one where she would disappear and leave me adrift again, lost in my sea of doubt and responsibilities...Not having her even as a friend was far worse than not having her as anything else, and so I did the only thing I thought I could do, I came clean about my feelings, about my past, about my present, about my lack of expectations, about what it means to be a woman attracted to another woman after decades of marriage, and children, and conventional living....It didn’t quite matter to me that she is also gay as well as the most amazing, incredible, stunning, strong, funny, confident, articulate, artistic woman I have ever met in my life. I am not attracted to a gay, or a woman, or an artist, I’m deeply attracted to this unbelievable human being full of strengths, and charm, and wit and passions. Drawn to her in this powerful and intense crush that I haven’t been able to fight or hide very well, the crush that was doomed from the start but that still made me get close to her that afternoon and stay there for longer than I should have, because I couldn’t move, because something stronger than everything that is in my life brought me there and kept me there..
The awkwardness of this sudden ridiculous attraction that should never have been but that it is as worthy and real as the love and attraction I feel for my children. And I miss her, I do miss her every day openly and fully, I wish she was still in my life in some shape or form, but I have to accept her distance and her silence, her withdrawal from my inbox and my iphone. I know it is probably for the best, and I know she has her reasons as I have mine. But I wish there had been another way, a more gentle one, a more hopeful one, one where we are allowed to express our feelings, acknowledge them and keep on walking side by side, still sharing bit of life without having to know whether that would lead us to steeper paths....
laincognita laincognita
1 Response May 18, 2012

This is amazing that you feel the same way I do.

You are young and I assume free. You shouldn't feel the same way I did back then. Take your chance and tell her. Your full life is ahead of you. Don't wait to be in your 40's to discover who you really are. I had my first kiss and sexual intimacy with a woman just a few months ago at 44 and finally figured out I am gay.
I never had the time or the courage to find who I truly was before. I didn't deem myself worthy enough, pretty enough, good enough. I knew my relationships with men were never fulfilling but in an heterosexual world and with only heterosexual friends I assumed I was the faulty one, so instead I made myself busy with work, children, obligations, things. For over a decade I buried my unconscious unhappiness in chocolate and wine most evenings after the kids went to bed. Put on lots of weight, lost myself in a life that was not really mine but that it was easy, comfortable, grand!

I abandoned my passion for hiking, writing, dancing when I got married because I felt that is what I had to do. My beautiful husband never asked me to!. It would be comforting to blame someone else but I can't. I married a truly wonderful man who became the most incredible father I know. I still love him dearly and he means the world to me, but we don't belong together as a couple anymore.
I moved out of the family home as my first lesbian relationship unfolded. Nothing was a shock to him because we have always been honest with each other. I told him about the woman I wrote about here even though nothing ever came of it. He deserved to know even when I didn't know what it meant myself.
My own questioning continued openly until I finally met the woman that became my first lesbian lover. She kissed me on our first date in a gay bar and we didn't stop for the next 2 hours. For the first time in my life my whole body ignited with a single kiss to my lips.... at 44...
Please don't wait that long. She may say no but she may say yes. And if she says no the next one will say yes. Courage in life is mandatory. And remember your life has an expiry date, so live it to the full and without regrets. Just be honest with yourself and with others.... Everything else will fall into place...
Good luck