Paul

So it's coming up to a year since your death. Wow..I still remember that first time we met and how funny I thought you were. I still feel sorry that I never did let you kiss me or go out with me like you wanted to but I am glad that I hooked you up with T and you were happy. At least for a little while. If only I'd known now how this would end, although I doubt it would change much.

I also remember that moment you told me you were terminal. I was 14. Third year. And I remember feeling like the universe was playing a cruel trick on me. You were the one I trusted, the one who I vented at in texts over stupid little things. You were the one I knew I could rely on. I also remember you telling me not to tell T. I respected that, it was your choice, your news to tell her. The funny thing was that with that kind of news, the only person I wanted to tell was you...

You did it though. You survived for 3 more years! The boy given 2 months! And in that time you even brought a new friend to the group! Who T then also ******...greaaaaat hahhaaa or as you would say "pmsl."
You were so chill even to the end.

That's something I always regret. I remember the week before texting you asking you if you regretted me hooking you up with T. You said no. I really hope that was true. I really regret not going to see you. But I was scared. It wouldn't be the you I want to remember! I want to remember YOU not how weak you were at the end.

The day I found out, I honestly felt like the world had got that little bit greyer. I cried and cried. I didn't want to believe it. And so I find myself. A year on. I had been leaving school then, preparing for uni. and now look at me. Sitting my final first year exams.

But I still find myself crying at the strangest moments. I find myself thinking of you a lot. That cheeky wee grin and those special words that only you could send in texts.

I miss you. And I'm sorry that Jamie will be there soon too. I'm signing onto the bone marrow transplant. I wish I could of done something. Something more than waiting.
More than that, I wish that you were still here to answer the emails and texts I send you. To smile at me. To say 'pmsl.' To be so chill that you were "on the floor"

Paul, I miss you.
KTlove KTlove
18-21, F
May 13, 2011