I Just Want Him Back 3

So here's some back story..
Me and this guy were dating and we dated for about 8 months and it was good and it was bad. We were great and so close. But i still talked to my guy friends, like it was no big deal, but this guy that i had liked for a while started talking to me like he liked me back and i would text him thinking my boy would never know, and then one day i went to my boyfriends house and he went though my phone and it caused trouble but he still stayed with me. I thought i could do whatever i wanted and i didn't realize what i had was great, he done everything he could for me while i was being a complete idiot and acted like it was whatever. Well in may i got tired of "his ****" (when it was all my fault) an we started fighting and i just ended it and he said he was going to kill himself and everything but yet i didn't care. I knew he wouldn't. He didn't. and i just slowly SO SLOWLY realized that all this other guys were not him..i just didn't feel the same and the guy i was texting he never really bothered with me and i haven't really dated anyone except him that actually counts. But me and my old boyfriend always talked we always stayed close and then this past month or 2 ts really hit me how bad i was to him how everything i said was horrible how bad it really was, i was afraid to let him in..and now i just cry and i told him that i felt horrible and he doesn't believe me but who could blame him. If i was him i would never try to talk to me again but he does and I appreciate that so much <3. I try to tell myself that maybe it wasn't meant to be and that's my signal to move on, but then again it could be to show how messed up i was and how it was all my fault and he never did anything wrong at all. That maybe he wasn't the one or maybe he was and i just let him go and i have to live with it. Now no matter what he will always throw the past up in my face. And i cant take back what I've done i cant say sorry enough. nothing can help. and at the end of December i started telling him this and then January 1st he got a girlfriend well this COMPLETELY ripped my heart out.. and he told me he doesn't know if he could ever forgive me and that the trust is gone and that i cheated. I really just don't even know. I also HATE throwing around the word love it makes me feel adqward, because my mom did drugs when i was a kid and so did my dad and my dad is right now starting to try but I'm like 16 and i feel hes a stranger...and then my mammaw who i loved so much died when i was 8 and then my papaw doesn't tell me he loves me except when hes sick. So I'm not from a loving type of family you see and people just don't get what i mean when i think the word love is weird. So i rarely say it. But if only he would forgive me i think that'd be a step in the right direction you know. He told me he would face time with me to let me tell him all i needed to say but i just don't know if hes just gonna laugh at me or take it to heart. And he has a girl friend (I think its just a "trying to get over my ex" girl" but whatever) I just want things to be right. I know I'm young guys lol but at least I'm just having boy problems and not being pregnant and getting std's and smoking and doing drugs like most of the girls around here.

Btw i only write on here to vent, not to get attention. I just feel like writing helps ya know.
lexilashae lexilashae
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 21, 2013

You screwed up, and honestly, there really is nothing you can do if he can't trust you anymore. However, use this as a lesson for the next person you get involved with and don't do it again. We all make mistakes. We can't take back the past, but we can use it to be better in the future.