Engaged, But Can't Get Her Out Of My Mind...

I need serious help. I'm engaged, but I cannot stop dreaming, thinking about, longing for my ex-gf. Due to unavoidable outside circumstances, we were never able to truly date, although we kept in close and very intimate relationship for nearly 8 years over the phone, email and even wrote each other loving letters and sent gifts routinely.

She understands me like no one else and is absolutely the most beautiful girl I've ever lain eyes on. Unfortunately, the same outside circumstances that kept us apart began to weigh heavily on me after a while and I sought out love elsewhere. I found it in a wonderful person who I share my life with, and whom I love dearly, but it simply isn't the same. After much debate and confusion on my part, I finally popped the question and she has never been happier. I, on the other hand, have seen doubts in my mind resurface. Everything logically makes sense, but I cannot help but yearn for my ex.

So, at this point, I have two, equally scary options. 1) Continue on course, keep my fiance, my family and everyone happy and get married. We have the same views and she would be a wonderful mother and love and support me endlessly, but what my feelings never change? Or 2) I can break off the wedding and go through months of explaining and financial turbulence (moving out, single income, etc) in hopes of re-sparking things with my ex (who, for all I know could have moved on as well). This leaves open the possibility that I am left with no one and never find a love like I have now, or a passion like I longed for.

Frankly, neither seems like a good option, and I'm too realistic to believe that breaking this marriage off and chasing my "true love" will be as amazing and happy-ever-after as a fairy tale, but what am I to do?

Any suggestion?? Anyone?

Thank you!

2 Responses Jul 27, 2010

Love, above and beyond the feelings (which, granted, are important) is about making a decision; reaching the point of unconditional love. Give yourself enough time and no doubt you'll find yourself with a third love interest to confuse you even further. The truth is, there is no limit to the number of people you can have chemistry with, no matter what your marital status is. Here is the paradox. What you get out of love is the cumulative sum of what you put into it. You are the greatest determinate of your love story. Leaving something as important as love to the whims of emotions will quickly teach you a fundamental truth: the lack of difference between one lover and the next. It's about what you want to make of it. Of course you have to start somewhere, but it sounds like your fiancé have found that starting place. You want a love that will make the history books? That will become legend in the ages to come? Something worth dying for that fills you with passion all the way to the old and gray? If so, you desire something praiseworthy. But realize that it's your story to write; you are holding the pen. There are those who determine the narrative and those who are victims of the narrative. Realize the power you have and determine the role you will play. And giving it all you've got is infectious. You will surely get your spouse and co-author to catch that spark. I wish you all the best.

Nobody commenting?? HELP!