I Ain't As Good As I Once Was But I'm On My Way Back....

I wasn't always crazy, or miserable or an addict. Well, two out of three? I used to be fun and have friends and do things. People liked me. Now, i think they hide from me. Sunshine. Cheezy grin. I can do anything. Competent. I was envied. And not just by those who knew me from afar. My sister envied me. Wanted to be like me. She will never admit it now. But her husband looks alot like mine did. She had to buy a bigger house than me. I had a younger boyfriend, she got a younger boyfriend. I cut my hair. She cut hers. Used to be I had a job, a good job i was proud of. She had nothing. 
Where did i go? This isn't about her anyway. Its all about me, selfish addict. 
Me and my daughter and my sisters. We were somethin, or we thought we were. No, we were. My 24th birthday, I don't remember the most of it, but it was a good day. I went to work. Got so many bday wishes- went to Amery for some reason, bought myself a birthday cake- then i must have picked up the mail cuz i was on mainstreet centuria and Doug drove by in his cavalier and yelled happy birthday mart- out his window- and i was just so happy- not because i have feelings for doug, but that someone actually cared enough about me to yell that. 

One day at work, it was the end of the day and we had cleaned up and were just waiting for 330 to punch out, and i realize im standing there all alone, i get this really sad teary feeling, waa waaa nobody likes me- and i brush it off- 2 minutes later everyone gathered where i was standing, i totally misjudged and it felt so good to feel so normal.

Or that housewarming one of the guys had in town, LL and I weren't invited because the wives were insecure and jealous, and i remember him sincerely apologizing that he couldn't invite us. Practically everyone in the whole shop was invited.  Me and LL went to Pats Pub. And so did the whole party- i **** you not, and this was at like 9pm. The wives never could figure out we werent nothing to be jealous of, we were just one of the guys. 
If you could see me now you'd think i was lying or delusional, and maybe i am. Oh hell no, im not!! I want my life back! im tired of being alone and unhappy. I don't need a boyfriend, i need friends.

I had this stalker, used to wait hours for me to get home, just didn't get a clue. Steve ran him off and stayed on my couch protecting me and liv. See, there was a lifetime before all these wonderful memories where i was nothing, and never in a mil would i have dreamt of a normal life like this, thats prolly why im making an issue of  what others prolly don[t think twice about...

So maybe the miserable addict is the real me and like Tom Petty says, even the losers get lucky sometimes..........

My divorce was final yesterday, and you might think thats what this is all about, and you'd be thinking completely wrong. Im not even sad or nostalgic about that. I'm nostalgic for myself. I miss the funny happy me so bad. And as for that marriage, he's so sure i left for greener pastures, and that what goes around comes around, karma is the word he's so fond of. Let me define that for ya. The karma of ******* over a good girl is the crazy ***** you end up with. 
He gets dropped off after bar closing one night, i happen to hear j's truck pull up, it has a deep, throaty exhaust system, he woke up the whole block, so i look out the window and i see who i think is my sister sitting in the truck, bfd right? Husband comes in, eats a roast like its a steak, i say something about my sister being out with them tonight, and the *******, first its why were you peeking out the window/(i wasn't) then its you must be seeing things, krys is at a puddle of mud concert. Really? Then who was the blonde in the truck? Yeah, busted, and over what? Why even start to lie? Yeah, hardly miss those days, even the good days pretty much sucked. It was me kissing *** to keep him half assed happy and he still couldnt stand me. I know now thats his own personal issues, he probably believes anybody who would marry him sure aint worth much. Yeah, he was nothing til he had me and im not flattering myself. Just kinda sucks that now its the other way around.
Regret though, I regret not marrying Chad. I honestly did not want to leave him but felt some foolish, idiodic obligation to my daughters father. And where did that get me? She can't stand me today. From here on out its all about me, in a positive way, not the negative, addicted way.

glorydaze glorydaze
36-40
May 17, 2012