Mother Spoon Calls.......

On July 8th, 2008 I started at the methadone clinic. Its a day that I celebrate, but also mourn. I've used a handful of time since then. More than 3, less than 7 somewhere in between there. None of those were really satsifying though. In fact I think I only really felt it 2 of them. Its the high dose of methadone that I'm on that prevents it. It keeps me from using though. Theres nothing like knowing that the 145mgs of methadone you are on is going to make shooting a couple packs about as satisfying as shooting some brown water to keep you from doing it. And unlike suboxone, you can't just skip a day and go use, the tolerance stays with you, I'm not sure for how long as I have never been off the methadone long enough to find out. I miss that feeling and those days alot though, especially latley. I've been going through alot of things that are really stressing me out latley and there is nothing in this world I would like more than just shooting some dope and just forgetting it all. There are days I wish I could go back in time. Back to the days when using was fun, when it wasn't just me alone using in my room or in the dope dealers bathroom. But with the whole group of friends that I used to get high with. Back when it was all fun. Days like today are ones that I'm angry that I'm on methadone. Theres nothing I want more right now than to feel that rush. If I wasn't on methadone I'd still be using and honestly I don't think I will ever be off of opiates, I'll either be on methadone or I will be back on herion. When I read that people still have using dreams 15 years later and so on it scares me. Using dreams really get to me and the only reason I don't have more is because I'm on the methadone. The using dreams still upset me though. I always dream that I have such an amazing amaount of dope, such great dope, but I have no needle, or the needle is broken, or I'm looking for a place to shoot up, or I spill it. Or the worst I just stick it in and then I'm awake and in my room and its not real. Its just another damn tease. When I get takehomes from the clinic, I sometimes shoot the methadone. You need to use at least a 3cc needle, but its a pretty good feeling, its not anywhere as good as herion, but its damned good, but alas I don't even get any take homes until Christmas, although that will be a very nice Christmas present for me. I miss dope. I miss it alot. Its honestly a good thing methadone keeps us apart, because I'd be with it if I wasn't.  
Steener2492 Steener2492
26-30, F
11 Responses Dec 6, 2010

Hey sweetie... my name is amy. I used heroin for over 10 years. I have been on methadone now for over 3 years going on 4 in Dec. Im starting to come off now. I was at 110mg and ive come done to 70mg. Im coming down 10mg every 3 weeks. Im only coming down cause i just wanna see if i can stand on my own two feet. But your story hit home too me. The dreams, the thoughts, the want and need for that rush. I know it all too well sweetie. Just wanted you to know if you ever need to talk im here for ya. Huggggssss....

Hello!<br />
I am from from Croatia (Europe). so I am sorry for my bad english. I event dont know whay I am riting you. I am 32 Years old and I started yousing heroin in spring of 1993. I was 13, the war was in my county, heroin was evrerywhere, everebody was on it. After 5 years of yousing I went to Spain on rehab. I was there for 3 month and run avay an live on the streets of Spain for 2 years-ofcourse at that time I was using heroin and I got a kokaine habit as well. After few years on Spain I went back home to Croatia and went to methadon tretmant. I am on that **** for 11 years now. It is worse habit then heroin, and they got you in control, you do dont have to steel, beat somebody for a hit or **** like that but they made you come there everry f++king day so you can't leve the town for one single day. Like you are in prison. Also I heard that you have some shity helth department in USA? That you must pay for metadonI Euopa is great for methadons and any other recepy that yor doctors give you. And buy the way you will always have craving for heroin athleast I still do, but and I shoot up onthe on month. I just must!! Fuc+ I got methadons , I can control my heroin habit but yust onr once every 30 days..That ius not alout? right? That is working for me for 18 month now. I coud never complitly stop. Mission impossible.. I have hepatitis C for 15 years, let me live wile I still can! But I hope that you are sticking up to your methadon therapy! f++k heroin- methadon rules ;) P.S. Did you notice that you never manage to end shootinhg up in your dreams? Stay good!! Big kiss from Europe!

8 yrs of meth and stupid bullshit rules and arguing with clinic staff day in, day out. I was once at 170 mgs then o.e day decided enough was enough. At first I dropped 10 mg a week till I reached about 25 mg then hit a wall then stayed there for another year then the last argument di d it. I began dropping 2 mg a week then 1 till it was over.<br />
It's been 3 yrs off meth and almost 10 off heroin. Do I miss it? I miss it about as much as my 1st wife.. sure she had nice ****, but I never came so close to manslaughter then when we were together.. I miss it like the rotting canine tooth that drove me to use in the first place over 20 years back. I miss it like I miss puking my guts up on myself in jail and kicking the iron bedrails

Hey agough1 I am on Methadone, but I too shot smack in the past, then I went onto shooting tablets..i.e Crush and Inject. My arms are ******, I was going in my hands ,my palms ,my fingers , my feet!!! But none is as good as the shot in the arm!! I still have using dreams, always about to inject then bam AWAKE!! ***** Sake!! In the dream you knew it would be a good hit!! I think I have a complete fetish with needles, my partner would shake his head and turn away as I butchered myself!! Is it just me? One thing I don't miss, was when I shot up ,I would get a rush of pure panic(After the buzz) that this time I had hit an artery, would lose my hand ,fingers!! Crazy Dayz!! I don't miss that bit!! I'm waiting for a Rehab place, I've finally thrown in the towel!It can't come soon enough. Yours existing on Meth, Cath

wow i have exactly the same dreams. always looking for a spot to shoot, broken needle, spilt gear or i wake up when i put it in my arm, then have the most ****** empty feeling to start the day. am trying to stay strong, my job depends on it as i am being randomly tested and hav not long ago been busted. I need this job. anyway peace to all

Try to taper off done's. The withdrawal is far worse from methadone than dope. It's really hard I went back on dope to get off the done's. Now I'm on dope and the days I'm not I'm on done's. lol I'm so f@cked.

I used to use on top of 90 or 100mg (the dose kept changing) and remember heroin rushing in to fill the void I felt constantly on methadone. I never was a good methadone patient for years and years. When I finally made the switch I had such an extreme reaction the walls started talking to me. That's how bad my brain hates methadone. Then the psychiatrist said I had schizoaffective, that's bipolar plus schizophrenia and it never truly showed itself until I gave up heroin and relied solely on methadone. I think they should give pharmaceutical diamorphine to all heroin addicts. It would save years of messing around and misery. But of course they won't. I think the government should just kill junkies and get the pain over with.

yea, I had that reaction to methadone. Doc said less than 1% get that reaction. It was far out. Talking to myself -but to other people, blacking out &amp; hallucinating! Fun, indeed. I tossed the metadone, took a pass on suboxone, and did it the old fashioned way. Sweat it out in a detox and went home and fought 8mos of secondary withdraw. But, you do it like that, you really think twice about doing it again (not that I don't miss it) and yeah, I would have been there right along with you the first 2 yrs about the government just putting us down. Total recall, I stand by it.

I just wrote on another post the same kind of comment after reading these I have to tell you, you do not have to live you whole live with that nagging thought that you want to take heroin again the reason I say that is because God took the desire completely away from me when I went to him a ask him to help me get off drugs and he did I was 27 at the time and was addicted for 10 years I have know desire at all to take any kind of drug at all God is in the miracle business and he loves all of you the bible says ask and you will receive that why he also says you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free believe I can only share what happen to me God loves you

Sigh... I've been on methadone for 10 years now. I started at 130 and am now at 40... it works only if you are at the proper (usually higher) dose at first, but I wanted to see if I could be more "normal" again and started a slow reduction. It's been painless. But I still miss the feeling of heroin. I smoked it then injected it for 8 years and held two crap jobs and sold it to stay well. I got busted and when faced with 10 years in prison, it loses its appeal. I didn't go to prison, thankfully, but now I have that felony stigma, scads of dead friends (from drinking on it or getting crappy stuff), scarred arms, a wistful longing for the fun days and unresolved depressive (or intelligence) issues.<br />
I don't regret it, though, in the broad sense. I lost a decade and feel like I woke up with an older dudes body, and in a sense that is exactly what happened. The weird things are the floods of emotion, usually bad, that are still surfacing. Heroin definitely makes the human condition more bearable, sex less overwhelmingly necessary and TV more fascinating, but I think moderation is the key to life, unfortunate as that is.<br />
As I hate feeling that sickness and know that I may have permanently screwed up my brains ability to produce dopamine I might be on methadone forever.<br />
There are worse things.

I've been clean for 6 months off heroin and all other mind altering substances but heroin was my drug of choice. I feel the urge to use sometimes but it has gotten easier. I'm one or the people that took suboxone for years to try and kick dope but it never worked, I started going to Narcotics Anonymous it has helped alot, after kicking suboxone i had to really want to stay clean and after doing that i realized i had a choice to get high or not, because i wasnt caught in that cycle anymore. Good luck with staying clean take it a day at a time and you'll be fine.

Wow, my thoughts exactly. I hated it enough to quit, now when life gets rough i crave for it. Christmas has always been a trigger for me, but i managed to stay clean. The only thing that stops me using right now is the drought in the UK. Dealers are selling subutex as gear so when you shoot you go into immediate withdrawal. Anyway, keep up the good work , and well done for how well you are doing.