On July 8th, 2008 I started at the methadone clinic. Its a day that I celebrate, but also mourn. I've used a handful of time since then. More than 3, less than 7 somewhere in between there. None of those were really satsifying though. In fact I think I only really felt it 2 of them. Its the high dose of methadone that I'm on that prevents it. It keeps me from using though. Theres nothing like knowing that the 145mgs of methadone you are on is going to make shooting a couple packs about as satisfying as shooting some brown water to keep you from doing it. And unlike suboxone, you can't just skip a day and go use, the tolerance stays with you, I'm not sure for how long as I have never been off the methadone long enough to find out. I miss that feeling and those days alot though, especially latley. I've been going through alot of things that are really stressing me out latley and there is nothing in this world I would like more than just shooting some dope and just forgetting it all. There are days I wish I could go back in time. Back to the days when using was fun, when it wasn't just me alone using in my room or in the dope dealers bathroom. But with the whole group of friends that I used to get high with. Back when it was all fun. Days like today are ones that I'm angry that I'm on methadone. Theres nothing I want more right now than to feel that rush. If I wasn't on methadone I'd still be using and honestly I don't think I will ever be off of opiates, I'll either be on methadone or I will be back on herion. When I read that people still have using dreams 15 years later and so on it scares me. Using dreams really get to me and the only reason I don't have more is because I'm on the methadone. The using dreams still upset me though. I always dream that I have such an amazing amaount of dope, such great dope, but I have no needle, or the needle is broken, or I'm looking for a place to shoot up, or I spill it. Or the worst I just stick it in and then I'm awake and in my room and its not real. Its just another damn tease. When I get takehomes from the clinic, I sometimes shoot the methadone. You need to use at least a 3cc needle, but its a pretty good feeling, its not anywhere as good as herion, but its damned good, but alas I don't even get any take homes until Christmas, although that will be a very nice Christmas present for me. I miss dope. I miss it alot. Its honestly a good thing methadone keeps us apart, because I'd be with it if I wasn't.
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