Chasing The Dragon

I stopped using h only a week ago my aches and pains are finaly diminishing, although Im still not able to sleep much. I can't stop thinking about it and how it made me feel even though the pain I went through after stopping was horrible and I think about that too but not nearly as much as I think about how good it made me feel and how I will never be able to feel that way again through anything. I keep picturing myself chasing the smoke off that shiny piece of foil. It's in my mind 24/7 even when I'm having a conversation with someone or watching tv or drawing or doing anything. Last night I cleaned under my bed and found a few pieces that must have fallen out of my box when I threw it out, I just keep wondering if I can try just a little one more time. I can't talk to anyone because I denied that I'd ever even touched it before and If I admitted it now my mom would believe everything anyone would tell her about me from here on out. I don't really know what to do when I first started using I just did at night when everyone was in bed and i alternated drugs so i didnt have to withdrawl from anyone it only worked for like a week because i didnt care to do the other drugs and waste the money on them and I hid everything pretty good, I slipped once having a dealer come to the house in the day and when my mom asked I just said I was buying a bootleg dvd. So now I'm wondering if I can do that again just for a week I want to stay sober I feel a lot better and happier for the most part but I still can't get that feeling of being high out of my head I can't stop picturing the smoke coming off the foil and the design on the foil afterwards and the feeling of euphoria and how I felt when I made it to my bed after smoking it, nodding out for a little and back in and feeling like I was laying on a cloud. I can't get the smell out of my nose or the taste out of my mouth, I even miss when I would throw up sometimes how it never felt bad i was never dry heaving like with drinking sometimes I was never on my knees thinking I'll never do this again. It's been so so hard not to pick up the phone and get some. If nebody has any suggestions on what works to stop thinking about it please let me know.
Secretdrge Secretdrge
3 Responses May 7, 2012

Nothing in this earth will ever feel like that again. This is the truth. You have to know the cost of that feeling and how it lies and robs you. . . . And not only you.<br />
You have to replace that destructive escape with something else of permanence to bring you joy that's lasting. Please be honest about what your feeling with someone you trust and don't believe for a second that you can control or leash the beast. This is one to avoid and leave alone forever.

You can do it, but you might need the real pain someday. I hope not.

I shot dope for 20 years give or take then 8 years of methadone. It'll be 10 years clean soon. You might consider methadone then a slow taper down from it, but that warm buzz feeling will always be there like a guy who liked ******* then became a celibate priest.<br />
I spent night after night more times than I can count puking my guts up and kicking bed rails in jails and hospitals and it wasn't till I was totally convinced I would die alone in jail did I decide to get in treatment and stay there till I was done.<br />
I remember the pleasure, sure, but I remember the pain far more. I'm in my 50s and just finished up treatment 3 years ago and I'm never going back.