Heroin: My Love Affair

Six months ago I couldn't even tell you what black tar was. My boyfriend at the time, a serious drug abuser, introduced me to this evil. But it didn't feel evil. As the vapors from the tin foil filled my lungs I instantly developed a new crush. A new relationship was born that would take me away from the one I was already in. Unfortunately, this new love affair was even more damaging.
I ditched the boyfriend and have been going steady with H since then. I used to only need a little to get a euphoric feeling but before you know it I was spending 20 dollars a day to eventually 40 dollars a day on my relationship. I justified and denied my addiction to heroin. I thought it made me a better person. It would help me reflect and deal. I would tell some friends, who I thought wouldn't judge me, about my use with heroin and I'd almost be proud about it. Like I was excited to share my addiction in hopes that they would confess that they were also addicted.
The reactions weren't what I expected. Instead of a shared interest, they showed concern. My friends were worried and I felt upset. I wouldn't be told what to do or have anyone worry about me. In fact, their concern intensified my relationship with heroin. It became something I did alone. I sat alone in my closet and closed the door only to be alone with the monster.

"I'm not addicted."
"I could stop if I wanted to. I just don't have a reason to."
"I"m young. I'll stop when I'm older."

Justifications, lie, lie, lie. That's all I could do at that point. I wasn't ready to face the fact that I developed a severe opiate addiction. It wasn't until tonight that I realized that I have to end my relationship. I've been having abnormal breathing problems. I wake up sounding like Darth Vader. I ignored it but tonight was the worst it's ever been. I woke up in a terror because I couldn't get control of my breath. It felt like I was breathing through a tiny stirring straw and I started to panic. It was the middle of the night and I thought I'd had to rush myself to the ER. I started researching heroin and the effects. I found "Heroin overdoses frequently involve a suppression of respiration." I continued reading other side effects and became terrified.
I was multitasking, jumping from tab to tab and of course Facebook was one of the tabs. I was curious what my ex was up to, the one who introduced me to heroin. His most recent post was an address with a date, time, and name followed by the words funeral service. My curiously grew rapidly as I went through the comments with sad emotions and mixed thoughts but what I really wanted to read was the reason of death. Wondering if it was drug related, wondered how well my ex knew him but most of all how this person died! Then there it was... Heroin.
I realize now how dangerous and stupid it is. I look at pictures on my laptop as it goes idle and see pictures of my family flash by. I have a beautiful niece, the most amazing mother, a supportive dad and a proud brother. Little do they know that I was sneaking out to get high when I visited them on my last vacation home. I am so disappointed in myself and I’m starting to see the reasons why I should quit. Most of all I’m so upset that I ever got involved in such a nasty drug. I’m utterly shocked to be honest. To look back at who I used to be makes me so sad because I had so much going for me, so much potential. For someone to throw that away is utterly sad. I can’t do this to myself anymore. I am stopping now before I not only hurt myself, but my family. My family is too good to me and I’m so lucky to have them in my life. I may have to live with that fact that I did this awful drug, but I will no longer live while doing the drug. I’m officially breaking up with Heroin and as Taylor Swift says, we’re never ever getting back together.
asugirl11 asugirl11
18-21, F
4 Responses Jan 22, 2013

please add me, i'd like to talk

I miss it from time to time. I think of it often but not really crave it. Well I do if I get a whiff of salt and vinegar chips. During those times if I had a connect in Denver I'd be slamming again.

If you really want to break up with heroin, you have to tell your family. I was in the same place as you, the story so similar. It was the boyfriend, the addiction, obsession, the money spent every day. I tried numerous times to reach out for help and support. Each time relapsing as it was so easy, my family didn't know so as long as I smiled and told them I was fine I could slink back to my drug. When I finally got the courage to tell my mom, in a text message no less, it saved me from myself. They are the only ones who truly care. Your boyfriend and friends may as well be useless. Trust me, tell them and work up a plan together.

wow, I wrote this in January and I am still addicted to heroin, only it is way worse. The only thing effected when I wrote this was my financial situation. I had to work a lot more hours and borrow some money from my mom for rent each month. Fast forward to today; quit my job, lost a lot of friends (my only friends are addicts), homeless (couch surf), stolen, lied, just all bad. I quit my job because I subconsciously was aware that it was becoming a problem and starting telling people at work that I used heroin. I ultimately was telling on myself and it worked because someone contacted my mom in Washington (I am in az) and informed her of my drug use. Naturally, I convinced my mom that it was a lie and ultimately ceased her concern.
Work became an uncomfortable environment and it was inevitable that my days there were numbered. subsequently, I quit mid-shift on an overwhelming Saturday evening. Evidently my drug addiction became hard to maintain when I didn't have the funds to support it. Whatever money came my way, went to my addiction rather than paying my rent so consequently I lost a place to live. I dedicated my time to my drug addicted friends, some also being my drug dealers. I sold my TV for black, even my new coach purse and wallet that my mom thoughtfully bought for me. My friends have a injurious influence on me and are only enabling my behavior. Unfortunately, they are the only people I feel I can go to, in my current circumstances, and if they aren't able to provide me with a place to stay, I am forced to sleep in my truck.
Unfortunately, I've been stealing from men around me. I haven't been caught until just recently. I stole from a friend that tried helping me with my addiction because he has been through it. Since he knows addict behavior, he knew I took the 60 dollars out of his wallet. I fear that I will be completely ostracized soon if I continue with my addiction. My life is a complete mess and I can't seem to find my way out. My heroin addiction lead me to impending despair. I have no control over it anymore and I realize that the only way out of this mess is turning myself in to my family or a rehabilitation center.

I'm proud to see you moving forward from the relationship you've developed with heroin. This can't be easy for you. Congratulations!