I Have No Idea!

i started using heroin about 3 years ago when i experimented with valium, and the environment i was in there was heroin there aswell so i thought whats the harm. i know that it was entirely my fault for trying it nobody made me do it. So anyway a month later i started going out with a guy who was 16 years older than me and he was a drug dealer so it was so easy to get. i loved everything about it, the person i thought i was, the way it made me feel and i didn't have a care in the world. i went out to work(in an office) and then gave most of my cash to my boyfriend. at the time it seemed like such a perfect life but then when we didnt have it i realised it wasnt worth it. plus i OD'd and that wasnt enough to make me stop and then i OD'd again and that still wasn't enough to make me stop. it got to the stage i was going round to my boyfriends friends house to score to lie to him cause i didn't have enough cash for the both of us. and as u know heroin makes u a selfish person.

my mum eventually chucked me out and then i went to stay with my friend in a different town. i got clean. surprisingly i wasnt addicted so i didnt need help coming off. i was allowed to move back into my mums after 3 months. made the stupid mistake of using again a couple of times and then realised that that was definitely not the life for me so stopped seeing my boyfriend and got on with my life. my ex died in october last year. i couldt believe how much it hurt, no matter what he was like to me we were still close at one point.


so about a week ago one of my friends offered me some valium and i accepted. once i took them that was it i wanted heroin. so since then i've scored 3 times and i find myself fantazing about it. i know i dint need it but id forgotten what it was like. plus taken the valium has turned me into an emotional wreck, just can't stop crying. probably because i've realsed that i hadn't taken heroin for so long and then to do it again is just so so stupid!!! going on holiday tomorrow but im not excited because i just feel so low and miserable. i feel like i just want to smoke as much heroin as possible and pass out - how sad is that? i cant help it though. i'm going out with a great guy but heroin has a hold over you, i dont care how many times you do it...it always has you wanting more. i know it's the devils drug, but i just want to have some right now. it's wrong and i feel so guilty i thought i was over this. i just cant handle my emotions - i dont know what to do.x

sinead12 sinead12
22-25, F
5 Responses Jan 31, 2009

i no exactly how u feel.ur not alone... i was 16 and met a guy 10 yrs older than me.i didnt no he was a user till 6months later,by that time i was in love with him.i stuk by him and tried my best to help him get off it.he started stealing off me,takeing money out my purse wen i was out the room,he stole my jewlery and pawned it.we wer having a drink 1 nite..it was the wkend after all)we drank from fri to mon.on the fri we wer so drunk.....well i was,he offered me it,i said no again and again.i eventually gave in jst to c wot all the fuss was about.i took it again on sat and sun.i went home on monday n went to my bed.i woke up threw the nite and my legs wer ******* and i was tossing n turning all nite.by the morning i wasnt good at all.the energy was drained out me,he foned n i explained how i was feeling,he said *** down n al sort u out.so i did.i had no idea it could get u hooked in 3days of taking it!!then on things spiralled out of control. i ended up pregnant n off it.wen my cjild was 1 i ended up on again.this time it was worse....i was smoking 3-4bags a day,waiting on my money going in at midnite as i was constantly needing it.nothing else was on my mind.soon as my money went in i would get a return taxi to a dealer for a few bags.which was daft coz id buy bout 7bags to last me till nxt payday n i would smoke bout 5 that nite alone n use to say"al leave half a bag for morning,i was kidding myself.i ended up hitting rock bottom. eventually i left him n moved in with my mum.she took me to c a doctor.im on suboxone n hav bn gradually reducing.my life was gr8.i had all my friends bak...was going out...my family trusted me again.ther was a crisis in my life n its left me depressed n suffering from panic n anxiety.im now craving heroin again.its a nitemare,im fighting it off....trying to look at how far iv came n how much i built my life bak.recently the urges hav bn winning.i remembered a dealers n.o that i used to score off n foned him.HE WAS STILL DEALING! i asked him to kp 2bags n jumped a return taxi.that was a week ago n now im feeling guilty n ashamed iv bn thinking about it all week n i really dnt want to go down that road again....any1 bn threw this? i jst want a way to stop thinkn about it. i cant help it...it gets such a major grip on u.

Today i threw away 4 months of complete sobriety... I am recovering heroin addict and i am 19 years old. I have a brother who is 26 who also suffers from a heroin addiction. Growing up as a child my worst fear was one day finding my brother with blue lips and pale skin laying dead in his bed. I was always petrified of needles and was very against heroin. It is very hard for myself to understand how i allowed myself to become addicted to heroin. After thinking about how i let this happen ive come to realize how it happened. I began to use less harmful drugs like marijuana, which slowly progressed to pills like benzos to cocaine. I'm a firm believer that marijuana is not a gateway drug, and this is my reasoning for it. The more you allow yourself to be around drugs you have confidence that you will not use yourself, the more you become "desensitized" to its presence. After witnessing others use these drugs in what you consider "safety" the more curious you become. This is of course not true for alls, but rather my experiance and advice to those who have found themselves in similar situations. So from my personal experiance i found myself smoking a little pot with my friends when some of them decided to do a little cocaine which they often did on occasion. I found no difficulty in not partaking in trying some cocaine many times when this occured. After getting to thinking about how my friends were able to use cocaine on occasion i began to think that this fear of addiction and dependence on cocaine i had once had, had been "proven" to be untrue.. If my friends could do it occasionally why couldnt I? well what i have come to learn very well is that not ALL people are the same when it comes to addiction. So i tried it.. No big deal... didnt crave more the next day.. i wasnt addicted. so this "desensitized" feeling i got to cocaine made me lose that fear of becoming addicted. Not even a month later i found myself spending a hundred dollars a day to support my habbit. Obviously not being able to afford $100 a day at 17 years old, i had the bright idea to pick up in bulk and sell it to earn my share of free coke. This inevitably ended up in me being arrested buying coke in the streets. This landed me a year of probation with drug testing. Luckily i found it easy to stop using coke but this was not the case for using marijuana. Marijuana had become such an everyday activity to me, just like smoking a cigarette or having a cup of coffee in the morning. Of course i failed a few drug tests which resulted in a violation of my probation. As a result i was Section 35ed by my probation officer.. which for those unfamiliar with the term meant that i was sent to the department of corrections for a month. I found myself sitting behind three rows of barbed wire fences.. Boy was this a reality slap in the face.. how did this happen to me? Went from an all american athlete to sitting in jail. After leaving jail i promised myself i would never find myself back in that place. sitting behind bars u realize the important things in life. even the simple freedom to go to the movies with ur friends seemed like paradise. so i returned home and obstained from using drugs.. for a while... i eventually started smoking pot which brought me back to the occasional use of cocainein the same way i had got there the time before. As anyone who has done a substantial amount of cocaine knows the "come down" after running out of cocaine is absolutely horrible. I had to find a way to get rid of this horrible feeling, and doing more cocaine wudnt cut it, it wud just bring me back to the horrible feeling. so a friend offered me an oxycontin which he promised me would bring me "down" and take away the feeling.. i did not want to use the oxy but i cudnt take the feeling of coming down off coke. so itried it.. and it worked just like he had said and fixed my problem.. little did i know at the time that it cause a problem which would one day almost take my life.. i found myself experimenting more with oxy's and found that it did not have a horrible come down effect like coke once i ran out.. so i changed my drug use to oxy's. As many of you probably know oxy's can be pricey.. usually costing me about 50-70 bucks for one 80mg pill.. again i cud not afford it.. i also could not afford to pick up large amounts to sell and earn freebies for myself.. so one day when i went to my dealers house thinking i cud talk my way into getting an oxy for 30 bucks i was introduced to heroin. half the price.. twice the strength.. so i asked.. can you sniff it? "i hate needles" he replied yea of course.. so i sniffed some.. produced the same effect as an oxy.. again i found myself becoming a regular customer. so after exposing myself to seeing my dealer inject his heroin while i sniffed i got curious.. i began to ask him about it and came to find out that he had all brand new needles and narcan which if used after an overdose would bring you out of it and you would be alright. this was the place i could use the drug in what i considered complete safety. so i tried it and found that it wasnt painful at all and produced a feeling i consered to be even better than an *******. not even a month later i found myself doing wutever i could to get money to support my habbit.. stealing from my parents.. shoplifting dvd's.. all sorts of things.. I ended up breaking into my old work at night and stealing about 500 from the safe.. that night i bought all the dope i wanted.. about 5 bags.. obviously not for 500 bucks lol but plenty of dope. that night my parents came home early from a party "thank God" and found myself asleep snoring what they describe as a "wheezing, gurgling" snore. They attempted to wake me but could not do so.. my father reached in my pockets to find their worst fear being a needle and bags of heroin. Immediatly they called 911 and the emt's came.. They injected my with either nalaxone or adrenalin which did not wake me.. i was admitted to the hospital and did not wake for another 16 hours.. my breathing was down to 4 breaths a minute.. i was "on my way out" so to speak.. luckily i finally awoke.. i immediatly found a huge sense of guilt. i had givin my parents the same fear i had of finding my brother overdosed in bed. I immediatly got myself into a detox and a half way house to start my recovery. i was doing so well and gained about 50lbs boxing and was back in great shape.. today i threw away all my hard work and sobriety.. they say relapse is part of recovery but it doesnt have to be.. i feel so horrible that i chose to get high today.. i Will however keep my chin up and learn from this.. i know i can do it. addiction only leads to jails, institutions, or death. i have been so happy the past 4 months being clean.. i earned the trust and respect back from my parents, and all my friends tell me how proud they are of me. i hope my experiance, strength and hope can help even just one of u if possible... there is a way out of the hell u might be in right now.. anyone can feel free to email me at chris890266@yahoo.com or even instant message me at chris890255. im almost 20 years old, however ive been through so much and i would love to help ne one who needs someone to talk to.. get yourself to a meeting, trust me they help.. im here for anyone who needs me.. best of luck to all of you

O.D is never enough to make someone stop. We used to joke, cause every junkie knows the perfect hit is a mild O.D. Stay strong, otherwise it'll only get harder. Once you lose your 'virgin veins' you're heading for totally new hell. <br />
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It'll get easier to handle the cravings. I'm only six months clean myself, but it takes years to develop a real B habit....so its going to take years to learn how to live clean. <br />
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These are the consequences of our actions...we've earned them. Tough, but true. Sonner we accept that, sooner we'll start living again.

smoke it? weird. I did heroin for three years and never thought of that. well, i though of it, but i wasn't going to waste it like that. Anyway, you know you're not done 'til you're done. So get done and begin enjoying the other side of life!

YOU ARE AND ALWAYS will be an addict hun. The good news is you can get help...it's out there and waiting for you! Instead of going on holiday, you might want to check into a rehab before it's too late. You are crying out for HELP.....go get it!