Am I the only person who has memories in senses? Maybe I have a wild imagination, but I know I'm not the only person who feels, sees, hears, tastes, and smells... why do I always feel like I'm the only who expresses feelings and memories in a sensory kind of way?

I saw the guy from the "I Miss You" letter... "The Heavy Hearted Truth." Yes, I already know it was a bad idea... mostly because it was just as delicious as I remembered it being. I finally got in touch with him, after disappearing for almost two years without any explanation. I told him I was taking the train to the city in two days, and apparently he also had to take the same train out to a different part of the city. We were going to meet up after we both finished up our errands in the city - New York City, that is. I actually called him earlier in the morning because I had directions confused and knew he could help me (as he always has, taken care of me) and I highly doubt it was chance that he caught the exact same train I had to catch, AND the train car he was in standing next to the door, pulled up directly in front of me. I could have melted right there onto the train tracks...

I saw him through the windows of the train car door before it even opened. He was still just as tall as I remember, 6'4, with his shades on, hiding his heavenly brown eyes from the rest of the world, wearing a NY hat... he knows how much it turns me on when guys wear hats. He smoothly, almost casually slipped out of view of the doors before they opened and I entered, dragging out the anticipation even further - I secretly like it, playful love games... I want to make the good feelings last as long as possible, suspended and dangling in the air, in my memories forever...

I quickly enter the train and make a left and I see him cool calm collected - my favorite kind of man - he is securing a two-sitter seat in the back corner of the train, good thing because the train is otherwise packed and we have some privacy over here in the corner, aside from the lady sitting across from us making a purposeful effort to ignore us and gaze out the window. As we sit down, I feel so many emotions at once... anxious, ecstatic, and when I feel the heat from his leg touching mine, electric. I am feverishly fighting the urge to lay my head on his shoulder and my arm around his side, like we used to, but I know I can't do that because he has a girlfriend. How ironic! I met him by total accident and had an affair with him when I had a boyfriend. Now the roles are reversed, I randomly come back into his life without any warning, and he is the one in a relationship. I would say story of my life, but I won't - firstly, because it's so cliché, and secondly because it's the story of everyone's life, hence the cliché.

So many old feelings, emotions, and lustful urges come over me in those first few 10 minutes - I'm trapped in between two different worlds... the memories of back then, when we were alone in his apartment, holding each other, infatuated, lustful, passionate, and now- on this train, in front of a bunch of strangers, I can't see behind his sun glasses so I don't know what he's feeling, and he has a girlfriend. He is playing it safe with the aid of his glasses, otherwise he isn't touching me, he isn't even looking at me, and he isn't smiling. I start to feel disappointed... maybe I imagined it all, what we had together. It never ended between us because we lost feelings, it ended because I had a drug addiction at the time and needed to distance myself from him and protect us both from a huge potential disaster. Have I ruined it?

We both have prior, separate destinations to reach and my stop comes up in twenty minutes to go our separate ways - far too soon - until we meet back up again in a few hours. Before I knew what had happened, I am sitting on another train by myself, confused by my feelings... does he not like me anymore? Was this a horrible idea? He does have a girlfriend after all... He texts me and it says, "You looked really sexy, I was so happy to see you." I read it and a huge smile spreads across my face, a deep, dark, delicious feeling washes over me, borderline devious. I miss him in that moment, I am suddenly back in time, on the subway and on my way to go see him... reality comes back, and I sway back and forth between then and now, how bad I want to touch him, knowing I can't. TORTURE! I get what I need to get done in the city, mostly paperwork, and quickly and thankfully I am on my way again to meet up with him, on the subway I used to take to see him at his apartment, getting off at the old stop... except this time there is no apartment, and he has a girlfriend.

Memories come rushing back... the songs I always listened to on my iPod on the train on my way to see him, only two stops away... they come quickly, so I text him and let him know I'm close, start checking my makeup, pop in a piece of gum so my mouth tastes sticky like peppermint. I get off the train and start walking down the steps off the platform, there he is standing on the ground 20 steps down on his phone with his glasses on, pretending like he doesn't see me but I know damn well he does. Back then he would have looked up when I got to the bottom of the steps, put his arm around my shoulders protectively, "Hey Bella...," kiss on the forehead (I used to think because he is so tall). Then he would immediately stop by the corner store, ask me what I wanted and buy me something to drink. We would go to his apartment right next door and as soon as we were alone... But this is now, and things are different. I see his old apartment across the street, but we can't go there now, and his arm isn't around my shoulder. We start walking towards the park and there is an awkward distance between us. I can't tell if it's because he is trying to behave or because he doesn't feel the same way I do.

END PART I
ThQnOfHrts16 ThQnOfHrts16
26-30, F
Jan 1, 2014