I Love My Son

This is so unbelievably hard even after 4 yrs. I am posting this because I know it helps me and it helps others.
It was 4 yrs ago september 1st at 3:15 am when I woke from bed by a phone call from a deputy. He told me that my son Bryce was deceased. Bryce was partying with some buddies at midnight and decided to take a friends motorcycle for a ride. No helmet. No one stopped him. He overshot a corner and died. It was a stupid mistake and he paid for it. I was a single parent with him for 14 yrs of his life and he is my favorite person on this earth. We always hugged and kissed, we were best of friends. My loss has been so deep that it goes to the very core of my being. (If there is such a thing). I don't believe there is god or an afterlife but I do believe in good and I cherish the wonder of nature and the universe. If I had god it sure would have helped ease the pain. If by some chance there is one out there controlling things then I think it's a real SOB. My solace has come from knowing that my son was a good man, lived to the age of 24, left two beautiful children in the world. He had the experience of lying next to a beautiful woman, being in love, having hopes and dreams. I am thankful that it could have been worse. It can always be worse. I love him so much that it is pretty unbearable at times knowing that I will never see him again.
I am much better now that some time has passed and I do look forward to the day when I lay my head on that final pillow. In the meantime I will be the best person I can be, and try to continue with a passion for life that was so severely damaged. I am so sorry for those parents that have lost children, especially those that were younger and never experienced what we wish for them. Cry and cry and cry. Talk about it and don't worry about upsetting people with your story. When you don't have strength to function, put it on "autopilot" and get things done that are important anyway. Don't look for answers or justification. It's not there and never will be. It takes so long to get through it (not over it). We are all together in a "club" that no one wants to, or should be in. Being a parent has been the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. We are so lucky to get to experience any life at all so let's suffer with dignity and get on with what we were intended: LIVE LIFE.
Kidatforty Kidatforty
56-60, M
Nov 27, 2012