Everyday I Wish You Were Here

My mom passed away in October of 2001.  Just one month shy of my 20th birthday.

It was so sudden.  It tore my close-knit family apart.  we're not the same anymore.

I dropped out of college.  I couldn't bring myself to complete it, my heart wasn't there.

Now my sister will be getting married in a few months and its even more glaring that my mom isn't here.

since that time, I have changed so much.  my family tells me I've become such a hardened person.

My close first cousin calls me heartless.   I think she means it as a joke but it still hurts.

I no longer celebrate my birthday.  It just brings back those horrid memories of that early morning when my mom was taken away from us.

I am scared to let people in because i think that they won't be around long enough anyway.

And most people don't have the patience to stick around long enough either.

Most people that know me, think my life is happy and perfect.

If only they knew...

BehindTheScenesA BehindTheScenesA
26-30, F
5 Responses May 27, 2008

I am new here..I feel your pain. I just lost my mom to Ovarian cancer on the 10th of this month...she was my everything, although we had a lot of ups and downs...am not close to my dad at all..and me and my sister have just recently started talking again but its not the same as she has her own family..am worried sick for my lil bro who is only 21..i am his mom and dad!! i love my mom ..my nan is still here ..i love her but she is too old and broken after my mom!! how could god do this to good people:(

I feel your pain also. My mom died from cancer a week after I turned 32 in 2001. My brothers said she waited until after my birthday for me. She was my rock and everything I believed in that day vanished. My father was crushed beyond words. He never did recover. He himself became sick and never went to the doctor until it was too late. He also was diagnosed with cancer and lingered for 4 years. He died in 2010 as did the dog we had gotten for my mom. She loved that little guy and asked us to take good care of him before she died. He was our little angel.. something we strongly connected with our mother. Now it is 9 months since my father died and this month is the anniversary of my mom's death. I cry everyday and I feel stuck in the grief. It is hard to celebrate their lives when so much time was lost to suffering and illness. My prime years of life were spent as a caretaker living in fear. I am bitter and sad but nothing I do can change the past. Every night I pray to God to show me the way. Hopefully we all will find a way to a better life. <br />
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Love, Tina

Your story is a lot like mine. My mom passed away in 2008 from complications of diabetes. I was 28. I knew her health was declining but it happened so soon. She was having surgery in Grand Rapids MI in order to save her right leg. I was in Oregon going to college. I didn't call her before her surgery or anything. I think I avoided realizing how sick she really was. It was the night of my birthday and my aunt called me. She said that the surgery didn't go well, so I flew back to Michigan. The next day mom passed away. My sister and I where able to say goodbye but she was already dead, kept alive by machines. I feel so much guilt and anger to this day. I lost 4 people in my life that year. Then a year ago my grandma died. I felt that as long as I keep people at a distance I wouldn't have to feel that pain again. At the age of 31, I've been feeling like a young girl that just wants her mother. It kills me inside. I'm sorry for your loss. I don't wish that kind of pain on anyone. Lots of love--Becky

Hey i know this is a really old post and i dont even know if your going to read this but I lost my mom when i was 16 and she was 40. she was the best she was so loving, you could have felt peace in her presence. when God decided that he needed another angel and took my mom i was livid i hated the world i hated god, my life was flipped upside down, i was no longer the same, i was even angry at my mom how could she leave me, she wasnt done raising me but now im 23 going onto 24 and i realized wow my mom would have suffered if she was still here, thank you God for taking her and allowing me to enjoy 16yrs with her. I know my mom raised me to be strong and independent women and now she is watching over me. There are times when i just want to sit and cry because i miss her hugs, her kisses, or just her advice but a million tears wont bring her back, my advice is live your life because thats what your mom would want , I completely understand how you fell <br />
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May God Bless you,<br />

I feel your pain and anger. I lost my mom just 2 weeks ago at the age of 47. She had lung cancer but died from complications from her chemo. I know it seems hard but your mom would want you all to be the best family you could be. You should open up to someone and realize that everyone will not leave you as suddenly and unfortunately as your mother did. I just hope this gives you alittle comfort because I know how you feel. <br />
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With friendship,<br />