You're Still With Me

 To A.:
 -- You’ll probably never see this, but I’m writing this anyway.  I have missed you so much in my life, all these years, you never left me. I still remember the first time we met, I actually had a physical reaction, the first and only time in my life, I think. I felt this strange connection as you came into my field of vision, we chatted briefly, then. I discretely inquired about you, after you left. I found a bit more information, and knew we’d be seeing each other again, somehow.

That summer, many years ago, now, was one of the few moments of happiness I knew. Those summer theater experiences were rare highlights, in a somewhat unhappy life that has had too few happy moments.   A few short years afterwards, I would find my life altered forever by a serious accident, that took years to fully recuperate from, and changed my whole life’s course. Too long to go into, but unfortunately true.

No one knew the pain I went through as I fought to keep the chaos in my family out of my life in the outside world. My parents should never have married, let alone had children. They weren’t abusive or addicted, but they might as well have been. Not bad people, just not good parents.  I had grown up with no real emotional support, and sort of raised myself, in a way. The household was not conducive to visitors and rife with their bitterness, arguments, and anger towards each other. I never really knew what had occurred to cause this. Again, I will spare the details; too long.

We became so close, like siblings who were somehow separated at birth.  We kidded about big brother and little sister, though “little sister” was actually four years older. We knew two summers together. After those summers, I kept trying to look for you in the area; you never were around when I was. When one of our cohorts, decided to have a get together that last time we were all together, I was looking forward, so much to seeing you again. By that time I knew your family was moving out of state.

You were there,  and I so wanted to talk to you and tell you so much, but instead I almost ignored you, realizing that with my family situation I could never truly be free with anyone as long as I lived with the mayhem. I thought perhaps there may be a way I can correct this later, a letter or phone call to you or something to let you know. It seemed as though you felt slighted and ignored by me. I didn’t mean to hurt you.

My life was just in such utter disrepair, I didn’t know where to turn. The fact that you actually lived within walking distance of me, made it even harder, because my home was not open to anyone, ever. It was a war zone,  not a home.  I hesitated to contact you because of that, while you were still here. Still, I thought there might be a chance.  Perhaps we’d run into each other in the neighborhood, before you moved away. Unfortunately, that never happened. When your father got transferred to New York, you were gone forever.

I’ve tried to locate you on the web. I’m still hoping that I can at least explain myself, if we ever do connect somehow. I really do miss you so much more than you’ll ever know.  You are my soul sibling.  If there is such a thing, it’s definitely you. I will never forget you, ever.  I hope you are well and having a wonderful life.  

                                                                                                                    Love Always,
                                                                                                                              N.
InterruptedLife InterruptedLife
66-70
1 Response Aug 2, 2010

Very touching, and I hope that you not only get a chance to meet again, but that you will find this has worked both ways.