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A Very Personal Letter...

 I had not planned on posting this letter here for anyone but the more I thought about it and as the tears filled my eyes tonight I thought it might help someone else that is in a similar situation so here is my letter.  Please note the person that I am writing to is deceased and he will never physically see this letter.  

 

Dear, 

We all have memories; some that we would love to keep alive forever and some that we would rather forget.  As I sit here tonight I want you to know that the memories that I made with you will always be looked at in fondness. I sat down to write a letter to you and planned on burning it outside under the stars where we spent so many evenings chatting the nights away but then I decided I would post it to one of the places that brought you happiness in your darkest hours.  As I was thinking about this tonight so much comes to mind and it brings me sorrow and pleasure all in the same breath.

 There have been lots of tears and laughter since you left me behind but you gave me so many positive memories to always focus on that I am ashamed to ever feel sad. Even with that there are still tears when I miss you and laughter when something reminds me of you.  I still find myself longing to feel you and I reach for you but I know I will never feel that in this lifetime.  You listened and cried with me when I thought I couldn’t go on and you were strong for me when it was you that was leaving and not me. I reach for your strength and somehow in the last weeks I have found it. 

Your birthday soon approaches. We had so many plans for this day. I would finally be able to hold you and give you the affection you sought in life.  We were going to spend time in your favorite places. You were going to take me fishing and even take the nasty fish off the line when I caught one.  You were going to take me in your big truck out four wheeling.  We were going to watch the sunrise and set with one another just peacefully watching this unfold. These would all be dreams that were never to be fulfilled.

We always had so much stacked against us and even with the naysayers, including myself,  that repeatedly said that a twenty something year old man should never fall for a thirty something year old woman couldn't have kept us from rocking the town like it has never been rocked before.   

I know you told me not to be alone and that when I found a man that truly deserved me that you would smile upon my decision.  Instead of searching I spent far too long rebuilding a wall around my heart. I didn’t fully trust the words you said to me and I was terrified that if I let anyone past that barrier I would break and never recover.  I spent far too long as the wounded sparrow.  I know you looked down frustrated as I would turn suitor after suitor away; men that had great integrity and potential, simply because I did not want to risk the heartbreak.  I had finally let the wall down just like you encouraged me to do and I allowed him to invade my dreams and to possess me heart and soul.  It was a magical feeling to dance the lover’s waltz and it was a privilege to be with such a charming partner.  He took me to places I never would have gone without him showing me the way and I fell in love with the man as it broke my heart to be the one leaving you behind this time, compartmentalizing you to happy memories and a love that was so pure and true.   He made me laugh even when the tears threatened to flood and you know that is something I need from experience. I wish I could tell you that I am not heartbroken but I sit here tonight thinking about what I told you I wanted and how I found it and let it slip through my hands.  I also sit here wishing that I didn't have to miss either one of you but I no longer long to be there with you as I once did because I had him here with me and things were so right. I no longer wish to bring you back because I know you are happy there just as I was happy here sharing myself with him. 

So what do I wish for you on your birthday?  I wish you happiness with some hot chick there, a Baskin Robbins Ice Cream Cake, and a Chicken Burrito from Taco Hell.  I hope when you think of me you will smile and I will see the stars twinkle just a little brighter as your spirit lights my path along the way.  Thank you for all you were to me, thank you for giving me the strength to continue along the path that has become my life’s lonely journey, but most of all thank you for loving me with an honest and pure heart.   

I leave you with the words to a song I sang to you on more than one occasion and you better laugh. It is the song about how your mom would never feel about our relationship! LOL I will NEVER hear this song played that I won’t stop in my tracks and laugh uncontrollably….

Good Lovin’  (MMMM Baby!!!)

Good lovin'
Unh..... yeah
Blackstreet coming back inches
We're getting 9-6
Kicking it live
I'm gonna do this with a little Chauncey Black style
Mmm......
Listen..

My mama told me,
That there will be a day like this
I will run into someone,
Who will just knock me off my feet
That kind of woman,
Who will be right there for me
Never thought that it could be,
But now it's happening to me

I finally found someone
Who will give me all her affection
And I wanna keep her right here next to me
Thinking about me and my lady
Giving her love all night and through the day
Getting that feelin'
All I want is good lovin' (ooohhhhhhhh)

Good lovin' in the mornin'
Good lovin' in the evenin' (oooohhhhhhh)
We can do it 'till the break of dawn (break of dawn)
Cause you give me that feelin' (help me sing it)
I wanna do it in the morning (oooohhhhhhhhooooooo)
Let's do it in the evening time (all night long)
We can do it anywhere you want (baby, yeh)
Just give me good
Just give me good lovin'

I remember
Just messin' around
With all of them men an' all
Didn't really care for
But this special woman
Really made a difference in me
And I wanna be the best man I can be
And she will see

It may be time when we're apart from each other (each other)
But my girl she knows and I know it's alright
Pick up the phone
Give her a call
A few minutes later,
She's knocking at my door
Now I'm getting that feelin' (feelin')
All I want is good lovin' (oooohhhhhhh)

Good lovin' in the mornin' (baby)
Good lovin' in the evenin' (oohh baby)
We can do it 'till the the break of dawn (break of dawn)
Cause you give me that feelin' (all I want is good love)
We can do it in the mornin' (oh yeah)
Let's do it in the evening time (anywhere baby)
We can do it anywhere you want (anywhere)
Just give me good lovin' (oooohhhhhh.... umh humh)

Now I finally found someone
To give me all of her affection (affection)
And she knows that I know it's alright (oh yeah)
Pick up the phone
Give her a call
A few minutes later,
She's knocking at my door
Now I'm getting that feelin' (feelin')
All I want is good lovin' (baby, all I want)

Good lovin' in the mornin' (yeah)
Good lovin' in the evenin' (it's all I want baby)
We can do it 'till the break of dawn (break of dawn)
Cause you give me that feelin' (all I really want is good lovin')
We can do it in the mornin' (ooooohhhhhhh)
Let's do it in the evening time (in the evening time baby)
We can do it anywhere you want (baby, yeah)
Just give me good lovin' (ooooohhhhhhh)

Good lovin' in the mornin' (c'mon, get me up)
Good lovin' in the evenin' (c'mon, do me right)
We can do it 'till the break of dawn (c'mon, get me up)
Cause you give me that feelin' (c'mon, do me right)
I wanna do it in the mornin' (c'mon, get me up)
Let's do it in the evening time (c'mon, do me right)
We can do it anywhere you want (oooohhhhhh ooooo)
Just give me good lovin' (ooooohhhhhhh)

Good lovin' in the mornin' (c'mon, get me up)
Good lovin' in the evenin' (c'mon, do me right)
We can do it 'till the break of dawn (c'mon, get me up)
Cause you give me that feelin' (c'mon, do me right)
I wanna do it in the morning' (c'mon, get me up)
Let's do it in the evening time (c'mon, do me right)
We can do it anywhere you want
Just give me good
Just give me good
Just give me good lovin'

 

fungirlmmm fungirlmmm 41-45, F 29 Responses Dec 21, 2009

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What was so funny is that even though he was only 20 years old he was constantly teaching me things. He taught me to see things in a more spiritual way. He taught me the true beauty of a sunrise isn't the colors and the other things you see visually but more importantly it was about the fact that you COULD see it rise and that in itself was something to be thankful for. The colors and the intense beauty of it were just bonuses. I taught him to search for rainbows and sunshine even in the rain but he taught me to dance in the rain and appreciate it in the moment because you may not get the next one. He taught me to follow my heart and I would have walked right past the biggest blessing and not been willing to fight for it had it not been for him teaching me to follow my heart. He is still on the path just ahead of me and he helps me to know where to go. It is just now that other people share the path with us and those people are the blessings of a lifetime. You are a prime example HC of the things he taught me because the old Jaycee never would have reached out to you. He changed me and he made me a much better person that I thought i could ever be. I was so blessed to have him and so many of you and I am so thankful that I have a path that I can walk and whether that path leads me to thorns or roses I know that it is my path and I will walk through it and I will succeed.

Friendly, Thanks for your condolences but I really didn't lose him. He lives inside my heart at all times. I talk to him often.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs

Thanks PX. I was just blessed enough to spend a short amount of time with him. He was a very nice guy. I have so many special people in my life these days, one in particular. This was my way of saying good bye.

Thanks JB but I was the lucky one. he changed my life forever. he taught me unconditional and pure love.<br />
<br />
Stratos, It was making this noise like it was clearing its throat and it scared the hell out of me lol.<br />
<br />
Kindal, He is talking with his mouth full of burrito. lol How did you like that song?

That is so sweet. I be he is laughing his butt off reading this and cheering you on at the same time. You are a wonderful soul. XX

I love your sense of humor, fungirl, even while sharing something so personal. He was lucky to share so much with you.

Oh and I did catch a fish that way. An ugly catfish. yuck.

I think it was NS that I was on the phone with the other day talking about fishing. I was telling him I loved to go fishing with my dad but a lot of time I would just sit on the big rock or in his boat and cast my line out with nothing on it just praying that no fish was dumb enough to go after the hook lol.

LMAO. Not if you are going to do it for me lol. I don't ant my hands to smell like fish.

aww im so sorry dear!!!

Thanks for that Stratos. You are so good to me.

I am really okay. This was my final goodbye. Time to put my mementos in the cherished box and then slide him under the bed. Maybe take those things out periodically and remember.

This is a beautiful tribute from a wonderful woman and friend. ....I hate to see you in such pain. <br />
*hugs*

You know he used to make a run to taco bell after school and then a second run out before dinner and then his mom would fuss at him for ruining his dinner? LOL

You are welcome. Glad to hear all is well though.

Yes you are and I am here for you.

Thanks Sweettart.

Thanks TKS.

So very bittersweet! You were both lucky to have each other...and just remember you will meet up again....and yes as you said...he will always be with you!

Thanks RR1!

I am sorry FGMMM.

I will be sending you a question that only you would know in a few moments and I added you to my circle because I know you can't see me with this underage crap. Are you ready to dance? LOL

I am doing okay Luc I promise. I am ready to fly.

Well of course you can't, at least right now. You still need to heal, wounded sparrow.

I love you too and I can't sleep.

*hugs* Oh sweetie! He would even think that. AND you are not an idiot...I'm the one who flew to NYC to have my stupid heart sprayed all over EP. I love you!

Right now he is probably looking down and saying are "you a f*cking idiot" although he didn't use such words. This man that I have spent many hours chatting with basically was letting me know that he was "interested in much more than friendship" and I blew him off and completely out of the water. I was just re-reading the messages and had that V-8 moment. I am just an idiot and can't be dating.

*hugs* You are a real, beautiful woman, darlin'. What an honour, he will always be with you.