Midnight Ramblings - Longest Version On Ep

Every single night I cant sleep because of the pain of being alone. Did you know that your brain processes the emotional pain of heartache/being alone as PHYSICAL pain, not emotional pain? Mine is very bad. It usually starts 2 to 3 hours before I go to bed every night, then I lay there awake, unable to sleep because of how sad I am from the loneliness and how badly it hurts, for a few more hours. Sometimes it hurts so much my mind starts a downward spiral, I think about how much pain I am in, how much pain I was in yesterday and the day before, how much pain I'll be in tomorrow, how tea or pain killers or chocolate cake wont make me feel any better, how a friendly phone call or text wont help me, how this hurt is never ending and inescapable, and how this is what my life is now, the spiral of thoughts usually ends with suicidal ones but I manage to drink or cry myself to sleep before acting on them. I always wake up exhausted and sometimes even depressed. Waking up depressed is the worst feeling in the world, even more than being alone. I haven't gotten a good night's sleep since middle school, which was around 9 years ago. I often times think about losing my virginity and being a ***** just so I'm not alone. I know that that is stupid, and sex isn't love, but when having NOTHING hurts this bad, a warm body in bed and an ****** is SOMETHING, which is better than nothing ): I'm not even looking for a lover, friends would be nice, family who doesn't hate or despise me or are in denial about the horrible events that happened my life, I have no one to talk to and be close with, it hurts. Good luck my fellow EP goers who are in the same situation.
instantquack instantquack
18-21, F
Jan 24, 2013