Upsetting Relationship With My Mother

Hi everybody, I am so glad I have found this place. I am 45 years old living with a debilitating medical condition. Put simply, I hate my mother. I always have, and I feel overwhelming guilt for feeling this way, even though I know my feelings are justified. I have had many years of therapy to help me to come to terms with my past, yet despite this I still hate my mother. I cannot tolerate her. Even looking at her fills me with emotional pain and rage. Recently I sent her a very detailed typed letter, 17 pages in total. The letter cited examples of neglect when we were young, all sorts of things, although it was only a drop in the ocean compared to what I went through with her. My younger brother was neglected too, and he has grown into a very violent man. I have no relationship with him. He's 40, works , but lives at home with my mum. Each week my mum visits me. I live about 35 miles from her. On a practical level I need her to do things for me as I am dependent on full time carers, but in addition to this I do need her to an extent. She had told me last week in a email that we would discuss the letter when she was with me on Saturday. The discussion consisted of her almost blaming me for everything, and she made no attempt to look at her own behaviour which was absolutely disgusting and irresponsible when we were growing up. I am so broken over this whole situation with her. I have known much academic success, and I know that despite my mother having furthered her own education in adult life, she has always been very jealous of me. Other people at times have observed this. On Saturday I told her that I have no bond with her, and that I have always looked upon my granny as my mum. She lived with us, and died when I was 13, but I still miss her dearly. I feel completely lost and alone in my situation with my mother. I also feel that the lost and neglected child in me is still crying from the wilderness hoping that my mother will hear me.
Melxx1 Melxx1
41-45, F
Jan 7, 2013