What Happened to Me.

S o I find myself with this "disorder" and of course it takes years to even figure out what the hell is wrong with me and then I have to figure out how to heal or cope with it! WTF!   This is the reality we all experience with this disorder. It is so hard to talk to anyone about this because how the heck can they relate? You know they are going to think you are crazy.

 This is how it was for me. My mother abused me sexually at a very young age. I was afraid she was going to smother me when she forced me to perform oral sex. There was also the guilt and shame of liking the contact and liking to be touched. If she was not having sex with me she was completely unloving and unaffectionate. She was also very violent. She knocked me out on one occasion and cut me with a glass object she broke over my head. She slammed my thumb in a door so hard that the whole nail turned black and fell off the next day. She used my need to be loved by her and to love her cruelly. She used guilt and violence to control me. I was afraid she was going to kill me. I was afraid to sleep in my own bed and would lie awake all night fearing she was going to kill me.

I began spending as much time as possible away from home. There were a couple of teenage boys in our apartment complex that were giving all the young kids in the neighborhood rides on their motorcycles and teaching us how to smoke and letting us shoot their BB guns. These boys trapped me in an apartment and tried to molest me. When I fought back they went to the kitchen and got a big knife. The explained to me that they were going to push the knife into me and my guts would fall out. They sodomized me brutally. I was bleeding when they were done. They threatened to kill me and my parents if I told anyone.

I went home and was crying and physically shaking and told my mom and she slapped me and beat me. She screamed at me that I was lying and making it up. It was only years later that I realized that if she was molesting me that she could not let it come up that anything happened to me for fear of being discovered herself.

The hurt and shame and humiliation was too much to bear. I was afraid they were going to kill me because I told my mom. I was afraid she was going to kill me in one of her violent rages.

Something inside of me snapped and I tried to kill myself. I did not succeed. I split so I could live with all of it. I hated myself for letting it happen and blamed myself for everything. I especially hated myself for the parts of my abuse that felt good as it was proof in my mind that I was at fault.

At some point when my mom was molesting me I began to leave my body and go into a box that I had seen and remembered. If I ever came across a naked woman by accident after this, like one time at the beach and one time in a woman's backyard I would be instantly out  of my body.

At other times when I was under stress I would fragment and become a young boy again or a teenager.I have only one woman alter that I know about. I had one alter that did not have a body but lived in a sort of floating sphere that had all these spiny needles poking out of it. I realize they were for protection. He told me if he did not have a body that he coulndt be hurt.

 Sometime my alters have protected me and sometimes they have hurt me. I had one that was bent on suicide and wanted to jump off of every high place we found ourselves at. One of them hated women and would abuse them and treat them like dirt.

I used drugs and alcohol to self medicate until after many years of suffering I got sober and began to heal. The immense shame and pain I had to face made it very hard. I could barely leave the house the first year I was sober.

Now I have found that if I use every available tool that my life gets better and better. I go to twelve step meetings. I see a counselor who specializes in DID or MPD. I pray and meditate and study and learn everyday. 

 I recently met a gal who has MPD/DID and it was very helpful to talk to her. We are not crazy people. Splitting off is a way to survive and deal with what happened without going insane.

I am writing this in the hope I can help anyone else in this predicament. It is a lonely sort of thing we have it isolates us by its nature. I am greatful for this forum and wish everyone else the best.

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2 Responses Mar 26, 2009

I am an Alter, I guess you could say, and my life was simelar to yours. I was emotionally abused by my mother, beaten by a cruel master, and used drugs to cope (which ended my life). Even though I'm dead now, the pain of my life is still there.<br />
but I'll tell you this:<br />
it WILL get better.<br />
NEVER give up!

I am glad you are here. This can be a great way to find others who understand and do not judge you based on the outside impressions we all seem to give off. I sympathize with your childhood, I know many who have had similar and believe it or not worse stories. It kills me to hear what parents do to thier children. I have went off on parents in public who were absuive to thier kids. I more than once kicked parents out of stores I was working in and told them to never come back and if i ever saw them abuse thier kid I would seriously hurt them. I am a very passive person except in the area of children.<br />
Sorry going off again.<br />
But please keep opening up it is helpful, and if your other sides wish to speak out there are plenty of places to do so within the community of this site, just keep looking. I hope that some day you can come to a place in your life when the pain no longer controls you.