Why Do I Keep Her Near?

This weekend I was planning on killing myself... or at least trying too. However, the scenario was not quite ideal... so I let my weak mind live for another day.

Anyway, I started thinking about why I wanted to end it all... after I really sat and thought... it was her. The one who left me for a title. The one who choose a man who would, and did, dump her over a man who only did not give her a title. When I found out her and him had been done for weeks after only.. wow.... I think it was...2 maybe 3 months? I get a good laugh out of that fact. Then I get a good cry. Because she tells me I am her best friend, yet I just find out about this?

Why the **** do I even bother. It is not like I love her... at least not the way I used too. Yet I feel betrayed and worthless. Probably because I think she is the only female I will ever have the pleasure of being intimate with. Deep down in my heart I want to ditch her. I want to leave her. However, I can't for some reason... I don't know why. She would not lift a finger to stop me from trying to kill myself. I try and let her be... yet.. I can't... She makes me want to die.

She is the most toxic thing to me. She is a constant reminder of the simple mistake I made. A reminder of how I failed... how I lost what will probably be my only chance... I want to believe she won't be... however... nevermind. She is a reminder and toxic. I keep her around for some reason.
ForgottenMale ForgottenMale
26-30, M
1 Response Aug 8, 2010

I'm going to share a general thought I've been having with you.... I have a Godson who is 23, he has been focusing on college for 5 years. He's never had a steady girlfriend, though he wants one terribly. He keeps saying he's sure he's never going to have a girlfriend, never going to be able to find 'the' person that will make him feel whole, that he'll be with the 'rest of his life'. <br />
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I don't know what to say to him, or to you... because for me, being 46 and physically disabled, I can't imagine why or how one's life can be 'over' in their twenties, why is a "20 something" talking about 'NEVER', just because some other person didn't meet all their expectations and needs? <br />
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Perhaps I can't understand because I've had a good deal of life experiences over the years... I know that there is a great deal of disappointment in life, many challenges and things seldom work out the way we want them to... heck, that's one of the greatest things about life, as far as I'm concerned, the fact that it can surprise us, when we're least expecting it, when we're not even trying. <br />
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You have your whole life in front of you to make of it what you will. No other person has the responsibility or ability to make you happy or your life fulfilled, but you. There are so many opportunities, possibilities ahead of you... <br />
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If this one person isn't interested in you, has moved on with her life.... change your own direction, let go, determine what will make you happy, what your goals are, what things in life you really want to try, experience, etc. and set about making them happen. <br />
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I have found that 'love', a fulfilling relationship, usually finds us when we aren't looking. Spend some time working on yourself, becoming who you want to be and a solid relationship will find you. <br />
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Hang in there.... you have so much potential, don't let that slip through your fingers!<br />
((Hugs))