My Hero.

So, I made the mistake of falling in love with a marine. He was a friend of a friend of mine and was looking for help to get his sister though college by saving money for her. However, as we met and hung out and explored options I ended up falling for him. He was everything I wanted. His family has been though so much and loved his sister dearly. He was the oldest of six and the only boy. As I learned about him, he just was the person I wanted to be with. He asked me if I would marry him, but it was for all the wrong reasons and I couldn't do it. I spent time with him while he was training and preparing for deployment. And we became a quintessential couple. He was a phone call away (lived about an hour north east of me) and if I needed him he would be there, in an hour. I met his 'brothers' and we all got along so well. I could be one of the boys and his girl at the same time. It all worked. He had jump school the week before he left for AFG and while he was gone, I couldn't do anything but think of him. And that's when I knew that I had to distance myself from him if I had a hope of making it a year without him. He called me a few days before he was supposed to come back and told me that he tore the Packing Ticket off of his parachute and had to redo the whole thing the following week. And, I was mad. So mad.

I got a call from his best friend and he told me that they are going to have dinner at a restaurant and invited me to go. As weird as it would be without him, I went. I saw his best friend sitting outside when I pulled up. And, at that moment, I should of known... I couldn't walk in. He is what make it work, without him, I couldn't mesh with these guys! He talked me into it, I just couldn't fathom seeing his friends and not seeing him. But, eventually I walked in. Turned the corner and there he was. That jerk. I cried. I never thought he would do that to me. And he smelled so wonderful. I hit him then got lost in his arms.

We all had dinner, joked, relaxed, and just enjoyed each other. Listened to stories and just had a great time. But I knew in about a day, it would be a year before we could do this all again. It was one of those moments that you knew you didn't want to end, because when it did so much would change...

We camped that night at a little spot that we both loved. Literally, It was a dirt service road behind a school that lead to the woods. We spent the night under the stars talking, listening to his heart beat, and just being there. I knew what the next day held and I wasn't ready for it. Eventually, I forgot about the gravity of it all and just enjoyed the night. Time stood still.

After spending months upon months with someone, it's hard to prepare yourself for a year apart. He asked me to marry him again that night and I told him that when he came home we would get married, but while hes gone, I cannot be engaged to someone I would never see. It felt right at the time. I was early 20's and had so much living to do.

After he left, I decided that while he was gone I would go out with the girls, and spend time with my friends. I would write him everyday, but every time I thought about dating, I felt like I was cheating. I couldn't find anyone that matched me like how he did, nor could I find anyone that compared to him.

He wrote me as much as he could. If he needed anything all he had to do is ask. I would be there for him the way he was there for me when I needed him, stateside.

About two months later his superior called me and told me he was shot, cresting the Helmand and that he was in Germany. I was devastated. His sister and mother and father flew over there. They got to say good-bye and his mother called me to tell me he passed. I was a wreck. I didn't know what to do.


Its now over a year later. I tried to date, but after a few months I get frustrated that they aren't the guy I'm used to. Everyday I think of him. He's my first thought in the morning and the person I wish I was beside. The rest of his unit got home last saturday. We are supposed to hang out this weekend, but I can't. I'm not the jealous type, because I had it all. A loving boyfriend, a great job, a place to live, a dog.. etc. I was happy. But now, I get angry, pissed, irate when I see a happy military couple. Because, I know it could of been me, but some jerk had to take it away from me.

I am back in the same boat, I am trying to date a guy. I told him about my ex and he knows how much he meant to me. But for some reason, I cannot let go of the feelings I have for my marine. I cannot stop loving him nor can I see myself loving someone else. On my worst days, I read his letters, emails, etc... but would rather not talk to the guy I'm dating. He's a great guy but emotionally I cannot let myself go there with him. I rather stay home on the weekends and think of my marine than go out with him.

I don't know how to move on from him. A year... a year later and I miss him like he just deployed. I talk to him in the car, before bed, when I wake up, and just when I need advice. He knew how to fix me after a bad day, he knew what I liked and I knew him. I can remember everything about him, his favorite fruits, color, what the name of his first child was going to be, what he wanted to go to school for, etc. (Which this last tour was going to be the last one and he would peruse school, get married, and start a family... )

I don't know what to tell the guy I'm seeing now. I just don't see myself moving on from my marine, emotionally. Any advice?

SmugOrphan SmugOrphan
22-25, F
3 Responses Feb 16, 2012

Time is a great healer,take as long as you require it is different for each individual.
You will know when you are ready to move on.
With respect.

Like they say,time will heal all wounds.There is a reason events happen and we don't always like the answer were hearing. <br />
July 24,2012 Wilhandle

Im so sorry for your tragic loss. Pray