My Boyfriend Of 4 Years Died In A Bike Accident
We dated quiet seriously for 2 years and then decided to move in together. Things were good and then they weren't. We broke up and got back together 6 months later. I had just gotten him back in my life and we were out one night at a club, he hadn't been drinking because he had to be at work early the following day. Just before he left we had a cool drink outside from the petrol station and he told me he was tired and needed to get home so he doesn't have an accident. I went to find my friends and I remember wanting to ask him to wait for me to find them but I was worried about him being tired, I remember wanting to tell him I loved him (which I haven't done since we got back together) I remember just wanting one last kiss. But I let him go and that was the last time I saw him alive. The next morning I got a call telling me he was killed. This was the 18th of April almost 2 years ago exactly. The next couple of days were a blur but I remember this was the most difficult time of my life made worse by certain things. I went to go identify the body, the reason I went was because I wanted to hold him one last time, to shake him and tell hm to wake up. I wanted to feel his hand just one more time. I went with his parents and his brother, when we got there I realized he was behind a glass window and the lump in my throat prevented me from asking to hold his hand. I just stared at him, actually I felt likened was there, I saw the tube in his mouth, I saw the scratches on the side of his chin and the little bit of blood from his mouth that hadn't been cleaned. I still to this day see this image in my dreams and it haunts me every time I see anything remotely similar even in movie when someone has a tube in their mouth in an accident I get flash backs to that day. I still wish I could have held him one last time even though I know today that this would not have helped. For our anniversary I gave him a silver bracelet. He was wearing it the day of the accident an the police brought it back with his personal things and his mother gave it back to me and it was scratched where it had shielded his hand but I all I could see in my head was the accident and him scrapping his arms and his hands. Later on that week, the sliver became rusty and I could see blotches of stains from the blood which had appeared. The funeral was one of the hardest things to see and hear. I don't remember much but there is one thing I will never forget. The first THUMP, just a single THUMP, when they put the first spade of sand to fill his grave. It was such an empty sound an I realized at that moment that it was all real. That this wasn't just an April Fools joke but that the man I love the most was dead and we were burying him. Everyone kept telling me to be strong but I didn't know how. Even as I write this 2 years later it haunts me and I can't help but cry. Now it seems that everyone is over it, but I'm not. To some degree I have learnt to deal with it and I realized that life does not end just because it feels like its over. All I wish for now is just one minute with him to tell him all the things I want to say that I wish I had said and that I didn't get the chance to say to him when he was alive. I just want to touch his hand and feel his lips. I don't remember what it feels like anymore to have his lips on mine. Sometimes I try and remember and I just can't. Just one minute with him is all I want, and I know I will never get that. Some people have said to speak out loud as if he is hear and some people believe he can hear but it's tough for me to believe that and it's not just that I want to say these things to him, I want him there to reply. I miss him everyday. Especially when I lie in bed alone.