I Lost My Boyfriend- My Soulmate When I Was 16.now I Am Still Struggling To Move On

Today I really miss my first boyfriend. I am in a middle of a crisis. He is the only person that I think about whenever I am devastated and hurt like this. I have no person in real life to share my feelings and thoughts. Therefore I am telling my story here. I need a place to vent my feelings. I am just so lonely right now. I miss him too bad. I am listening to No. 19 in E Minor, Op. 72 composed by Chopin ( he used to play this) and crying.
My boyfriend died when I was 16. Now I am 22.So it has been six years since he was gone, leaving me alone in this world. To me, he is always my family, my brother, my soulmate.

We had been together since I was a 10 and he was 13. Though we both had a biological family, but we both didn’t belong there. I have had a strained relationship with my mother since I was young. She often beat and abused me for no reason. I had a hard time growing up. Thanks to my boyfriend, I survived. At least, there was him that truly cared for me. He was also a lonely person. Though his family is very rich but also very complicated. His mother was a mistress, so they didn’t gain the respect of the extended family. He had a convenient material life but lack of love and caring. He had a younger sister, who was the same age as mine but she passed away when about 7 due to the same illness that he had; however he managed to make it to 19. We met through his cousin, who was my classmate. My boyfriend said that he saw his deceased sister in me, and that he just wanted to be with me, to protect and care for me. I remembered that the first time we met, I saw his collection of the actors’ pictures (stared in a very famous tv series at that time) that I also liked. He noticed this and the next time we met, he gave me a huge album that contained many pictured. He said it was a gift and then he asked if I wanted to go out for a walk and had some ice-cream together. So that was when our story began.

We started seeing each other more often. After class, I would come to his house. We enjoyed our time together, playing Play station, eating something delicious together. He was a very good pianist. He would always play to me, his favorite composer was Chopin. These was just part of the memories of him. We grew up together. Whenever my mother scolded and beat me, after that I would run to him. He was always there, comforting me, touching the bruises in my body and telling me that everything was gonna be okay. I was also a loner at school, didn’t have many friends. Today the situation is still the same. My personality is reserved and shy therefore it is always hard for me to make friends with other people. I saw him as the only person whom I could trust and rely on.

He had been always sick and suffered from his illness throughout his short life. His illness was incurable. Many times when I saw him in pains, though I panicked but he stayed calm, always telling me that “I am okay. I just have to take the pills and the pains will go away soon. Dont be panicked”. He didn’t tell me much about his illness. He went to a private school so it was easier for him to be absent, in order to visit the doctor. I was really young at that time. I didn’t understand how serious and fatal his illness was. In fact, I was not of so many help to him.
litlesunshine litlesunshine
22-25, F
4 Responses Jul 23, 2012

I lost my boyfriend this year and he was my best friend too. I hope that its possible to love again, but it seems almost impossible. I hope you are able to move on one day

My dear, are you still watching over me? I wonder if your spirit is still with me. I want to hear your voice but actually I forgot it long ago.I can't even remember your voice. Please tell me what should I do? Life has always been so hard for me since you was gone. And I think it's getting harder and harder. Will I live long enough until the day I can make our dream come true? Just tell me. Please give me a sign. Right now I want you to hold my hands, weep away the tears are flowing from my eyes, telling that everything's gonna be okay.

No matter how much I comfort myself that you've left your heart with me and I am not alone. But when I stand in the darkness and coldness, I have to accept the truth that I can no longer reach you. I'm really lonely

honey, how are you doing?<br />
I lost my dear boyfriend this year too, he passed away unexpectedly....in his sleep. His heart gave out. <br />
I read your post and wanted to ask how you are...<br />
I too am having trouble even accepting it..<br />
it seems so surreal, so hard to get on with my life. I don’t think I will ever be the same<br />

I know how you feel I lost my boyfriend recent he was my only real friend I feel like am going crazy I don't know what to feel it isn't easy. Am scared if I can't move on am just 16...I miss so much. No one can ever understand what your feeling but you no matter how much you try to explain....