I Never Said Goodbye

Who taught me to kiss your lips?
Who taught me to love the rain?
Who taught me to say 'I love you' ?
Who knows more of my secrets?
Who can take me to heaven?

My boyfriend loved playing the guitar and learned to play amazing flamenco from his famous Academy award winning uncle. He would play to perfection and women would swoon, this I had to live with. He was passionate about music. Rafael could be found loudly strumming an acoustic or electric guitar on any given day. He loved Texas Shuffle and the Blues, Stevie Ray Vaughn, BB King and loved loved Bonnie Raitt and thought she was a sexy woman. Noone could argue with him that ACDC was not the best rock & roll group ever.
Ralf was charismatic and always had a lot to say. Being his girlfriend was a big job, he was a bad boy, he was a wonderful father. He slicked back his hair daily and used Aqua Net and didn't care if anyone knew. He could do anything and was too smart for his own good. He had broad shoulders and a slender frame, big brown piercing eyes and an infectious smile. We shared snarky humor watching Will Ferrell movies and there was hardly a movie he did not know the line to and loved injecting them into everyday conversations. He loved The Sopranos, The Godfather & idolized Al Pachino. He eerily glorified the gangster lifestyle, but cried at the sight of a newborn baby,
He was an amazing father and loved his children deeply. His youngest boys were 8 & 10 yrs old when he died and very luckily not with him at the time he passed onto the spirit world.
Rafael and I spoke every night on the phone. We had lived together years earlier, but had broken up for almost 2 years. We found each other again in 2009 and re-kindled out relationship, though it wasn't exactly the same, we gained a deeper friendship and occasionally shared more. He was there with a big smile and laughter to get me through when I was admitted into the emergency room for anxiety one early morning, he came with me to support meetings when I was having a rough go with my teenager, he came to my dance-aerobic classes when I became newly certified and always told me I was a good teacher and even though he didn't do the routines right, he would make me laugh so hard my sides hurt. I use to tell him that he was (banned) from my classes anymore, because he sucked so badly.
He praised my ability to hold it together, pay a mortgage and keep a good job - neither of which he was capable of. He was proud of me. He knew my parents were both gone and He struggled with demons and every day was as hard or harder than the one before. He use to say that my worse day was probably his best.
He craved, he fought, he struggled and he persevered. He cheated life more times than a cat and we use to almost kid that he had 9 lives.... He lived fast & he lived hard at times. His heart was huge and his life short. Rafael and I were on the phone the night before he passed. He called me because he needed someone to talk to. I had a headache and told him I was having a horrible night, and could we talk tomorrow. I had 2 missed calls on my cell phone the next day, 4 hours before he suddenly, tragically died. He died at 43 years old while helping a neighbor in front of his house. His death took his neighbors,family and friends and community by storm. His body lay bloody in front of his next door neighbors home upon being tragically shot not once, not twice - but 5 times in broad daylight, on a sunny Spring eve in April 2012. He died immediately. By the time I arrived to his family - the area was surrounded with yellow crime scene tape, his body removed moments before in a body bag. The assailants are still at large which makes his death even more heart breaking.
I was the person who listened to his sorrow and shared hope he had for dreams for his sons. Rafael told me I was his only 'true' friend. He told me many times that there were many people from his past who did not like him and I never felt the impact of his words until his horrible demise. They say God has a plan for everything. Well, that's what they say anyway.....I just know I have this hole in my heart that has been ripped apart without explanation and every morning and night I think of you and love you Ralf.
spiritguides spiritguides
41-45, F
1 Response Sep 15, 2012

I can tell by your words just how much you loved him. You were both lucky to have found each other. I know just how hard it can be. Much love to you....

Thank you. Your words mean alot. Take good care.