6 Days Have Passed,

My Dad said to me just one week ago today, that he wanted me to come home and help him get better.  I told him that I would if I could.

You see my Dad got very sick 3 months ago from a visious auto immune disease called Scleroderma and almost died.  I live on the opposite side of the country.  In a panic I flew home to be by his side.  He improved eventually and was released from the hospital.  With assurance from doctors I left to go back.  He kept improving, however, was still in not good shape.  He could no longer walk and had to go for kidney dialysis 3 times a week.   Last week, he was in for his check up, and had immproved to the point that he coud reduce his dialysis to 2 days per week and this was great news, I was so happy.   

My Dad died the next day.  I am still in shock.  I thought he was getting better.  The disease attacked his heart.  All I can hear in my head over and over is my Mom on the phone crying and she said "Dad didn't make it", over and over and over in my head.  I lost it.  I screamed, I cried.  And had to make the worst flight home ever in my life.  I am still at my Mom and Dad's house right now as I write this, it's only been 6 days. 

My Dad is my hero.  I coulnt have ever asked for a better Dad.  I was always his little shadow and followed him everywhere.  So many good times.  He was only 53 years old.  He was supposed to be here when I have my own children,  and I know he looked forward to that too. 

Now I am numb.  When I don't cry, I am blank.  I dont know what to do now.  I am trying to keep it together for my Mom's sake, it is so hard on her too.  My brother is here too, he drinks to numb the pain.  It feels empty here and I feel lost.  I keep thinking my dad will come around the corner any minute.  I think about our long chats and how they'll never happen ever again, and it kills me inside. 

I have to fly back to my husband and work this weekend, but I honestly dont know how I'm going to get through it.  I want to stay with my Mom as I'm worried sick over her.  I wasnt here when my Dad needed me and wanted me here.

People tell me that time heals.  I can't feel that happening yet.  6 days and it hurts so much.

I love you Dad.

ffatale ffatale
26-30, F
3 Responses Jul 14, 2010

Six day's is not long when you look at your loss, it is a beginning. It will be harder when you first go home and feel the seperation from your family. I faced the same thing fourteen year's ago. Fourteen year's later I still miss my dad. You will never get over the pain of your loss, but each day that pass's you will learn to live with it a little better. Each day will be so small that you will not even notice it but it will happen. I still see dad in a crowd, I still dream of him. I am glad today that I do. It keep's him alive within me.<br />
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I was lucky so to speak, I was at his bedside holding his hand. My father had cancer and was so doped up to deal with the pain that we were lost to him, he didnot know us. My father was a christian man all his life and we placed him in God's hand's and let go. Yes I still feel the pain that he is not here to see my grandchildren, that I cant call and talk to him or ask of his help. But the pain I feel is for my loss not his. I know that my father no longer suffer's. I know that mom miss's him but she does not have to stand beside his bed and watch him suffer and dad not even know who she was. We all know through our faith in GOD just where dad is,. He Is Home. He has rejoined his family gone before him. And I konw that he is waiting on US. He has no cancer , he has no pain, ans he will ALWAY'S live in my heart. My dad will alway's be felt and seen through each of us. we each have a piece of him within us. My dad taught me well and I intend to make him proud.<br />
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Look into your heart and you will alway's find " DAD " The thing's you say and do , you will feel DAD. Nobody can take that from you. He will ALWAY'S be right there, I promise. Just because my father passed on did not mean that I had to let go of him. I carry a part of him within me alway's.<br />
I take pride to hear HE is just like his father. Look in your heart and you will find him. Look into your memory and you will find him. Look in the mirror, and you will find him. He will only be gone, if you let him go. God Bless and I will add your family to my prayer's

Its only just started....time is no healer, the fight in you might be.... <br />
Call it the magic of blood.... Your very essence has left, you will feel empty and numb .. <br />
How does one come to terms with death. Im still looking for the answer too.

oh my God even i started to cry reading that story<br />
and i have a father and he has heart desease and i dont have anyone else in that life and i am terrribly worried for him every day<br />
Dear ffatale, i dont know what to say to make u feel better but sure 6 days is nothing!! u left ur father and it will be terrible pain for very long period and that wound will always stay.... so how u think that in 6 days it can be better! yes with years, yes yes not one year, but with years u will not cry so much and your pain will not be so hard and u will leanr to leave without your Dad....but forever u will miss him and forever it will be your pain and its normal i think<br />
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please i cant help u but only wish u courage, and thanks God u arent alone and have mother borther and even husband to support u and each other