Loosing My Dad

I know we will all be subject to death and loss, but I never imagined I would lose my dad like this. I'm 19 and my dad and I did'nt always get along. I guess I'am like he was, sensitive and defensive at times. He was just starting to become a bit more understanding of my way of thinking.

I kept remebering all the mean thoughts I had about him when we would disagree. Though we always made up over the course of a few days through silence. It just hurts because I remember it was saturday and I went to a stupid fair with friends and he was home laying in bed. He had a stomach ache I did'nt know then, but do now, what would happen. It wouldn't have changed my plans though. I know I would have thought he was fine. The next morning (2 months ago 2/20/11 Mom's bday) he called the ambulance while standing out on the balcony trying to catch his breath. I thought he was having a hypoglycemic attack. He was a diabetic. I got home late the night before and went to bed around 5am. I woke up to a frightning call of my name. I raced down stairs my heart pounding just because I didn't know why my mom would sound like that. Five minutes later the ambulance is there. My dad asks my mom if I was riding in the ambulance with him but the paramedics said no..

Thirty minutes after that I'm standing in the ER entrance and I find out they are suspecting appendicitis. The hospital ER recently changed their policy on the number of people in the ER rooms, so my mother and I left the hospital while my brother stayed and I barely remember everything that happen before 5:20 pm. Mom and I went out to lunch, stopped by a family members house, and back to the hospital where I saw my dad not even 5 minutes. I did not say goodbye. I didn't know that would be the last time i'd see him alive. I hope it was a rich five minutes. I was acting so weird though, i remember telling him me and mom would be back in an hour and a half and I said it a good five times. Over and over I kept saying we'll be back Dad don't worry okay. We were never back. As I was leaving his room I went to shut the door but opened it back agian and went over gave my dad a kiss and I think I told him I love you but I can't remeber for sure. I did laugh at him while I was in there with him, he laughed too he had diarrhea because of this stuff they made him drink and was embarrased that the nurse had to clean him up.

After my brieff visit my mom and I went home as directed. We were only waiting an hour in a half, supposedly until my dad was transfered to a surgery floor. I remember being worried and taking forever to fall asleep, I had maybe a 20 minute nap before the time I had calculated to leave the house to get to the hospital at 5:30 came. My dad's room would be ready then. Before my mom and I could make it downstairs, the surgeon called and said that they were going in to surgery a little early and that we should come up in an hour or two. One hour for surgery and one hour for recovery. I remember listing to my mom sounding really dissapointed and her asking him to wait until we got there. Remind you they said 5:30! We were not allowed in the ER. They told us to go home! My mom finally said okay after the surgeon assured her he was fine and everything was okay. It wasn't even five o'clock yet.

About 25 minutes after the first call the surgeon called back and told my mom my dad was a very sick man and that we needed to get up there. We finally made it to the OR waiting Room 15 minutes after that.

The surgeon came out 30 minutes later and told my mom, my brother, and I that they had been working on my dad for over an hour. I heard him but it was unreal. I felt nothing and then an explosion of emotions that I held in. He said that my dad coded after they gave him anethesia came back 3 times and they had given him the last round of heart saving drugs(rounds of epi). He said that if he coded again they wouldn't be able to do anthing else. We followed him into the OR where there was a slew of nurses, techs, and whoever else hooking up tubes and whatnot to my father. I got closer seen all the tubes and the blood coming from his mouth. I clasped my hands over my face and the tears fell silently. My brother fell apart. My mom didn't know what to do. My brother called my other brother in Tallahassee and he didn't know what was going on he thought dad could speak. The surgeon had said dad had a 50/50 chance of making it through tonight so my brother told my other bro to say goodbye and he cried and my dad's blood pressure monitor went up when my brother on the phone was crying and screaming on speaker.

I was so hurt but I couldn't make a sound because I knew my mom would fall apart if I did. My dad did make it through the night. I'll be frank, the next day I wanted to strangle the surgeon and the anethesiologist because of how they treated my family, all the contradictory information, the changing of stories and what actually happen. It was the worse hospital expeirence I have ever had! I planned to go to medical school but now I'll be dammed if I ever do after seeing how alot of phycisians really act. It still disgusts me thinking of this. I can't imagine having to work with people who think and act the way those doctors did. We had to take my father off life support 6 days later. He was announced clinically brain dead earlier in the week.

The first five days from the first night he spent in the hospital I didn't sleep or eat and I was at the Hospital with my family off and on all day. I lost 11 lbs that week. I knew dad was gone sunday night, but I had faint hope. I'm a recent atheist and my family is hugely religious, you can just imagine the pain I endured while beating myself senceless with thoughts of praying to God and not praying.. It was like if I don't pray it might actually be my fault I syched myself out really good. I felt for a second like this was a punishment for declaring my atheism, because not to long ago my way of thinking was that if I didn't believe in God I must be a bad person. It's sort of how I was raised. I couldn't talk about this with anyone at the time because they wanted to pray and they just knew god would wake my dad up. Which still makes me mad. But I understand some people cater to religion and God, Allah, whatever; while a person like me feels like utter crap while trying to entertain a God even before rough times when I was attempting to believe. My brothers still don't know I don't believe anymore; what so ever. I feel like they might feel superstitous about it. I declared my atheism and a month and 3 weeks later my dad dies.

One of my brothers had not been home in a while he's starting a buisness and was in afghanistan twice already he spent the whole month of december with my mom and dad and I before he deployed for the third time in january, then he's ripped from that environment and placed in front of our dying father. It was so hard to watch. No one could comfort him. He had such big dreams HUGE bigger than mine, bigger than anyone I know. He is crushed Dad won't get to see them come to life. My older brother has a two year old, my dad's first grandchild and one is on the way; a boy. My youngest brother who's still older than I is in college. You can say he wanted to still prove hiself to my father because he's been messing up lately according to our family. He was the one screaming on the phone that sunday night when my brother told him he had to say goodbye. It's quite strange because he actually had not been home in years and came and stayed the weekend when he got a promotion toward the end of january of this year.

Then theres me. I feel lost or numb or both. Before dad died I felt this way to an extent, I'm the only girl, the youngest, I'm terribly senstive and serious and cautious, but the exact opposite at the same time at times. Its weird. I feel less than a person right now because I'm yet to have my first real PAID job. My dad was starting to get on me about it. Now he's gone and I still don't have one. I'm in community college transfering next year and yet to choose a major. I just don't want to make a mistake or dissapoint myself or anyone else. But at this point It feels like nothing I choose will be satisfying to me, only satisfactory. I feel like I should just pick anything and get over myself. I like to write but I can't imagine making a carrer out of that. I'm trying to be pratical it's what my dad instilled in me. Even though I feel this way writing is seemingly the only thing people ever recgonize as a slight talent within me. I'm probably not even that good at it.

Please excuse any grammatical errors it's late 3:31 am. I just need someone to read this, at least part of it (I know it's awfully long), I just don't know what to do with myself. I just feel like a complete good for not a damn thing: imbosile. I feel like i'm taking away resources from people who actually know how to utilize them. Cause I obviously don't. Ever felt something you were doing was wrong but you could never pinpoint what it was to fix it. This is how I've felt my whole life. I had a wonderful childhood family wise for the most part. But I remember being so cynical and sad even as a child. I was affected by other people's negativity early though. I was bullied really bad by teenage guys (idiots) growing up, as in i was 11 and they were 14-15. I even started pulling out my hair shortly after it stopped. Maybe I 'm just predisposed to depression but i't doesn't feel like depression. I still function but I'm never happy. I laugh hard sometimes but I can't remember being content. I smile, but its forced. People keep saying I'm so strong it make me want to curse.

Just to clarify I don't hate doctors I just don't want to be one anymore after realizing they never ever ever ever admit to doing wrong.. and I know I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing I made a mistake and my collegues would be all for covering my butt and theirs. I know their are honarable one's everywhere though, just not in this small town I'm residing in as of now.

Also if it were legal and I knew I wouldn't feel bad about it afterward I'd hunt those lying doctors down with rabid dogs!...Though the autopsy was "inconclusive" my dad's heart stopped because he was given alot of morphine while in the ER and then when they gave him the anesthesia his heart just stopped. In the conference room when we had our meeting with the docs. I asked about the anesthesia given, the head anethesiologist basically told me I was stupid for asking. Even though the one consistency out of all of them was We don't know what happen his heart just stopped. Right after you gave him the GOSH dong general anethesia!!! I swear i'm one of the sweetest person ever but ish like this makes me a monster savage animal and I want them BAD! To top it all off our lawyers just told us it would be a hard case and that they don't feel they should take it on but are symphatizing with us, and refered us to others in their field. Bottom line no one will take the case and those doctors are gonna get away scotch free. I don't care about the money. I really wanted their liscence taken away which I KNOW would never happen because they earned the right to practice medicine. The chance to kill legally and still get hugs and kisses. (as you can see my mood has changed) Sorry just writing thinking about all of this has enraged me to no end.

Shanel
shellthalia shellthalia
18-21, F
2 Responses Apr 25, 2011

Thankyou and I would love to read your blog...but your profile settings are most likely blocking me? Iam older than you. I'm not for sure thats why but thats the only reason i can think of that would prevent me viewing your page/blog. So if you get around to changing your privacy settings, I will surely read it.<br />
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Shanel

Sorry to hear your loss and you should check my blog.