I'm Only 26, We Were Supposed To Have More Time...

My dad died on June 29th. He was a 55 year old over-weight diabetic and alcoholic with Hepatitis C. But he had been these things for all or most of my life, so his death came as a shock.

For a large portion of my life (ages 14-23) we didn’t have much of a relationship. And the relationship we did have wasn’t always good. After he and my mom separated in 2006, we didn’t talk very much for a couple of years. I had been really mad at him for a long time.

We started chatting on the phone a few years back, after my nephew was born. Trying to repair what we both had broken. Then in January he called and asked me to come back home (I live 9 hours away now) and take care of him while he recovered from a hip surgery. I stayed with him from February – June 1st. He was healed up well, and while not great, he seemed in reasonably good health when I left.

My old next door neighbor called 28 days after I left to tell us he had been found dead in his living room. Micro-Nodular Cirrhosis caused a Gastro-Intestinal Hemorrhage complicated by Diabetes and a History of Alcohol abuse. He knew his drinking was killing him, but was in denial – just like he denied being an alcoholic my entire life. He drank himself to death and I am really mad at him for that.
He was doing so well while I was there caring for him.

Watching his blood sugar, cutting way back on his drinking, healing well… I feel so guilty. I can’t help feeling like if I had stayed, this wouldn’t have happened. He wanted me to stay. He knew he was getting older, and he was lonely and missed his family. I know, people keep telling me “you can’t blame yourself”… but I kind of do.

We wasted so much time waiting for someone to apologize. Someone to make the first phone call. We had just fixed things between us. We got along great the months I was there. I was so grateful we had finally made amends. I feel robbed. I am so sad, and angry, and I feel so guilty and so cheated. It wasn’t easy for me to forgive everything we had been through, but I did. And now, he’s gone and I wasted all of that time being mad.

It’s almost a month after his death, and I don’t feel any better. In fact – I feel worse than I did 3 weeks ago. The more I think about things, the worse I feel.
Athingwithfeathers Athingwithfeathers
26-30, F
4 Responses Jul 27, 2011

You gave all you had, be proud. He invested love wise zilch, so he came out of it well. You were not making him drink, so he chose to drink himself dead.

How did he come out of it "well?" He's dead???

I am disabled,by cancer and noone gives me
the time of day.Having someone love and nurture you is precious and priceless. Sometimes when you die you win.

Wow! My dad passed away on June 28th. He was also overweight, a type 2 diabetic and had Hepatitis. He died when I was 15 as a result of an upper gastrointestinal bleed caused by (what I assume was) a rupture he acquired when he fell down the stairs a few days before.<br />
I think that wherever his spirit or consciousness may be now, he knows that you wish there could have been a resolution or a chance to say goodbye. I often hate the fact that my dad let go so suddenly, leaving me alone... And despite my own cynicism, a part of me deep down believes that he understands how much love I have for him.<br />
If you're really having trouble coping please, I implore you to speak to a professional. My dad passed away almost 4 years ago, I never allowed anyone to help me and I am paying the price to this day. I have constant nightmares about my dad dying all over again because my emotions haven't been resolved. If you need to talk to someone, feel free to message me <3

First, I am very sorry for your loss. I loath when people say the worn out line "Time heals all wounds". It isn't true. It never stops hurting. <br />
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I lost my father when I was 30. Like you, I feel robbed. We were suppose to have a lot more time together. Most people have their parents around lot longer than 26 or 30 years.<br />
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I had a close relationship with my father and I was there when we died. But like you, I still feel guilty. Guilty that I did't do enough when he was here, I should have done more, etc etc. The way you are feeling is completely normal. <br />
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You will learn to cope, I urge you to seek professional help during this time. It will help you. The most important thing for you to do is to learn from tis experience by apreciating your loved ones, tell them how you feel. Don't repeat the mistakes your father made.

You know, he's gone. There's nothing that you can do to change that. It's hard but you have to stop beating yourself up about it because even if you do, nothing is going to change the fact that he's not here. No matter what, there was nothing you could have done to prevent his death.<br />
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You are just going through that mourning process. Everyone deals with it differently. We all wish that we had extra time with our loved ones, some are snatched away when we least expect it. The thing is not to dwell on it. If possible think about all the times that you were able to have fun with your dad. Think about the silly things you did together. Laugh about them.......<br />
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Not going to say it will be easy from now on. They say time heals, it does. Take your time...... :)