My Daughter Really Hates Me.

My daughter has always been very strong willed and defiant. She is now 16 and my life with her has been a series of fights, power struggles, pain and misery. I have always considered myself a good mom. I gave my daughter the best I could afford, we took yearly family vacations, I was involved in all her schools, encouraged and supported various activities and basically put her first. Her on the other hand has been totally defiant. She has never in 16 years, cleaned a bathroom, her room, the kitchen or anywhere in the house. She sees me drive up with groceries and never offers to help. We have never cooked together,although I have asked her many times if she wants to bake cookies with me or make cupcakes. She really treats me like ****. If I ask her to do her homework I'm a *****. She most recently started dating a new boy, and has been spending most of her time with him and his family. She has known them for a month, and they are the greatest people in the world to her, because they don't "*****" at her. I told her that I loved her, I will always love her and when she wants to have a relationship with me, let me know. She replied "I hate you, we've never had a relationship, I don't like you. I don't want to be around you." No one is perfect and I am far from it. I am a bit of a control freak, so that's my issue. However, I have never abused her or done anything but protect her and provide her with all of the resources she needs to succeed. She appreciates nothing. She verbally abuses me constantly and is really making my life so sad and miserable. My husband has a different relationship with her, because he really doesn't care what she does. He's basically given up.  I know that some day this will most likely pass, but I believe that the damage that has been done to our relationship is so extensive, that I can really do nothing but let her go and move on. Just like I never had a daughter. She is my only child. I so want to have a loving relationship with her, but it really seems impossible. We have been through counselling, and that never worked. I have worked at the same job for 17 years and have lived in my home for 18 years. I have always provided her with a normal, stable upbringing. She looks it as I am a "psycho *****", "a crying bi-polar freak". I am neither. Just a mother who has tried to keep her out of control daughter on the right path, and raise her with values and goal oriented. I see kids with drug addicted mothers who are never home who treat their mothers with more love and respect then my daughter treats me. Like my mother said "you can't buy her love". My daughter has always hated me. Why, I'll never know. 
taylor426 taylor426
9 Responses Aug 16, 2011

Maybe you try too hard to gain her approval, this is something that I have been told. My daughter is a good girl, an only child, very caring and loving, but because of our very close relationship she also dumps on me alot, she tells me she hates me and those words cut like a knife. I am told that the teenage years are the most difficult to get through and so far that is proving to be true. I wish you strength to continue to do what is best for your daughter while you feel such sadness from her rejection. I believe that this is our job as mothers and no one ever said it was gonna it easy. Be strong and I am gonna try and do the same. God bless

This sounds so much like my story, and here I am searching "My daughter hates me" too. I feel so much hurt inside. My daughter is 20, lives at home still and has a baby now who just turned one. I absolutely love my kids, I have a 15 year old son as well. My grandson is the little sunshine of my life. I really don't want them to move out. But today, after one of my daughter's horrible outrages,,where she told me she wanted me to die and called me some very nasty names, she went to work and I told her boyfriend that she was not top come home until she replaces her bedroom door that she busted.
It's not all about where we failed as parents. I think a lot has to do with the generation we raised our kids in. The generation of CPS fear and how our kids got things like computers and cell phones whether or not we could afford it. They got it. They also gained control in a way we never had when we were kids. I mean, I knew of only one boy my age who had a foul mouth to his parents. I don't think I knew the words that my daughter uses on me. Theres another one, internet, tv, etc. has given another freedom to them. Freedom of speech in a way. It's not all our fault. And yet I still cry, too much, because I just don't understand how she could say those things to me. She never apologizes either.

I truly feel your pain and am going through the same... for over 12 years now. My daughter treats me like crap... she totally disrespects me and treats me as though I was the child and she is the mother. I don't get it either... I did nothing wrong and everything right. I recently had to disconnect myself from her because I was heading for a nervous breakdown. Nothing that I do is good enough for her in her eyes. It hurts immensely.


Dear Kathy, I don't let my daughter near me. She has the ability to judge blame use and leaves ragged hurt emotions. I am walking away until she is nice. I have been too nice spoiling her. No more money no more gifts. I am done. Big boundary here. This I think is pretty common for kids to come out like this. My 95 year old client move out of state to get away from an abusive son. Suzie

I also want to tell you that I was a very rebellious teen myself. They finally took me to a psychologist who specialized in teens. He told them to "get off her back." My father put me in a pressure cooker with his expectaions and talk about a control freak. It isn't just your problem that you're a control freak; it's everyone that you try to control is whose problem it is. You did everything for her, you continue to crush her, and now she's letting you know that she will not have it. I grew out of my rebelliousness, but not before my parents stopped being so hard on me 24/7. You have a right to expect her to behave, but you are making things much worse because of your tendency to be a control freak. No parents are going to truly understand their kids unless they are willing to do some work on themselves. It may be too late for your daughter, and it may not. But she will gravitate toward those who accept her without the pressure. Rules should have been instilled a long time ago. You took her identity by controlling everything. Now she is wild and doesn't know who she really is.

To the OP:<br />
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You answer your own questions in your post. If your daughter has never been expected to take part in household chores, even very small things as a little girl, then it's no surprise that you have a monster on your hands. I'm sorry, but "duh!" I have been a teacher for many years and have always had to deal with kids who had nothing but a sense of entitlement due to poor parenting. They let the kids decide everything. What a crock!! If you didn't have the organizational skills or the spine to be the parent and teach your child responsibility, who's fault is that?? Children need parents; that's why they are born to them. For heaven's sake. <br />
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I am also a parent, and as a single parent even, my daughter has always helped out around the house without the slightest protest. I set a very structured schedule for her and taught her to do what she could for herself, and gradually she started pitching in with the chores. I didn't even have to ask her. It's called parenting!<br />
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This spineless, overly permissive trend in the last couple of decades has proven that choosing to allow children to lead is disasterous. And we are all having to deal with the poor choices of flaky parents.

my oldest has given me all sorts of problems, skipping school, compulsive lying, drugs, ran away from home at 16,(needless to say i called the sherriff to bring her home) very manipulative behavior, robbing her grandmother, jail (2 separate times) for 3 felonies involving drugs, fired from every job she has been so lucky to have with her criminal background, has a 2 year old little boy(such an angel he is) i keep him alot because her drug habit makes her very inconsiderate of everyone involved. Has an unemployed sorry excuse for a boyfriend also that makes matters much worse. She is involved in altercations with every family member and also "her so called friends" and everything is always someone else's fault....i sometimes believe she thinks of new things every day to hurt me. i really believe that she suffers from a mental illness(bipolar disorder that was over looked in adolescent years (due to car accident that left her father(who was never home anyways) paralyzed and in a wheechair for life! my parents had to keep my children alot during this tragic 4 month hospital stay! i have read that bipolar disorder may be over looked in younger years and will generally surface again in later teenage years and that is when they could go haywire!!! i have tried everything possible to help her because i do love her very much even though she hurts me constantly. it has been a living hell at times, i even had her involuntarily commetted for taking an overdose. Unfortunately, being 21, she was able to sign her self out after a couple weeks. I am in N.C. and the law here is u are responsible for their every action until they are 18 years of age. Try getting her involuntarily commeted to mental institution or hospital, etc. while she is still under the age of 16. go to sherriff dept. and tell the magistrate on duty that she is a suicide threat, that is about the only way they will take her (and she will be safe there) i think that u will be glad that u stuck it out 2 more years if you can get her in an institution somewhere. i only wish that i had done this for my daughter at 16, who knows, it may have made a difference! Good Luck To You!!!

butshesmylove, <br />
I have been going through this since my daughter was 12. It has never gotten better. The best thing I ever did was read "Co-dependant no more". It really taught me that the only person I can change is me. So unfortunately, I have to let her go. Let her make her own mistakes, suffer her own consequences. To "theworstmum". These kids have damaged our self confidence, which if you are anything like me, wasn't that great to begin with. It's so sad. We deserve so much better. I agree with you 100%. Love them, but love ourselves first. Please keep in touch. We can support each other.

I could have written this except my daughter is 13 & no boyfriend. I am heartbroken. We have counseling tonight but as you said, it doesn't help. Stay strong & know that I am walking in your shoes & know exactly how you feel.

My daughter is 18 and is the same. I have always been there but no mater what i have done it is always the one thing i could not do that caused her life to be ruined. My fault of cause. Ther is nothing you can do but take back some time and love for you. You are a good mum you do love her but you are alowed to be you, have time and respect for yourself. It is ok to get angry our kids are now adults life outside home is going to be a lot tougher, we no we will always be there for them and always love them that is all we can do at this stage. Love them but love ourselfs as well we are good people.