My 40 Year Old Daughter Is Saying Horrible Lies About Me

MY 40 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IS GETTING MARRIED IN MAY. SHE IS AN ONLY CHILD, VERY WANTED AND LOVED, HAD AN IDEAL CHILDHOOD WITH ALL THE ATTENTION AND CARING FROM HER FATHER AND ME. Since she went to college, she has been progressively making up stories of childhood abuse and lack of love from me and her dad. Since she's been an adult, she has periodically invited me to her home with wonderful plans of a nice visit only to insult me and accuse me of giving her a poor childhood when I am in her home. She lives states away so I am sort of stuck there waiting for my return flight, with no transportation out of her place. There have been times I have left in tears, vowing to myself never to visit again but then she always lures me again and it happens over and over. A few months ago she called me thrilled to announce she is getting married for the first time, to a doctor in Palm Beach and we happily talked of the wedding plans. Suddenly, out of the blue, she accused me of beating her, says she has photos of bruised hand prints all over her body. She was never spanked as a child by her father or me. I was over protective, if I had a fault. She says I always lost my temper and abused her which is a total lie. I tried to speak with her about her accusations but she refuses to give any specific details.....just general abuse and misery as a child and now claiming she has photos. After a month of distress, sleep problems and anxiety, I phoned her and asked to see the which she screamed....why was I bothering her about this when she is so busy! Now I must attend 2 parties and this big wedding knowing she has most likely spread this lie among her friends, her fiance and his family. In the past few days, I've come to wonder if a personality disorder or mental illness is the cause and she actually believes what she is saying. But then there is the threat of photos....a dear friend I have confided in has made the suggestion that my daughter could have even downloaded random photos of bruises on the internet and with internet photo shops....who knows what is possible. I know that sounds crazy but how can she suddenly claim she has photos, after all these years and right before her wedding? It seems like an attempt to terrorize and intimidate me, destroy any hopes for me to enjoy her wedding celebrations.
I tried to be logical with her, saying that others would have seen these supposed bruises, such as parents of friends.....we lived on the beach and the children lived in bathing suits year round, school teachers, her dad (we are divorced and I understand she rarely sees him and refers to him in a derogatory manner to me).....but she refuses to discuss the logic of her accusations. I have already paid for my accommodations for a week in her town (prior to the accusations) because she could not "guarantee" I could stay at her home during the wedding week. I would sincerely appreciate any advice regarding how to cope with this uncomfortable situation, especially the wedding and parties.
islandwisher islandwisher
56-60, F
36 Responses Apr 1, 2012

My 23 year old son, who I hit once when he was 15, swears I beat him through-out his childhood. (Mind you, he really did hit me from the time he was 15 to 20 years old. He, my only child, busted my mouth on a weekly basis.)

When he was 17, he began telling that lie to witnesses of the abuse he inflicted upon me. It was his was of justifying his abuse of me. He's told that lie so many times, I've begun to wonder if he believes it. He's 6'3" and he screams that I beat him, when he was too little to fight back. He screams that in my face as he slams me against the wall, threatening to kill me.

The last time he did that is the night I put him out, almost a month ago. He's refused to grab the rest of his crap, as of yet, but at least I've been able to start on repairs to the house.

It's been very difficult for me, but it's getting easier. I guess that's the good thing about having not a single pleasant memory involving him. Honestly? I can finally "see" a day, when I won't even care.

I read all your letters and responses and I

Oh my! I have experienced a similar situations with my 36 year old daughter. She has our two little granddaughters. I believe we raised her as an entitled princess. Really, we did. We tried to give her way too much. On top of us doing that she is extremely bright and a pretty girl. We created a monster! She needs to be in complete control of my husband and I. She mistreats and abuses us. Then acts like a completely together wonderful women to her in-laws. Her wealthy in-laws who are just as controlling but have bought a daughter in law and two grand-kids. All my daughter cares about is money and prestige. She has no appreciation for her parents. None! Plus, she has distorted so many stories that I do not see how she could ever be good to us and save face. So Sad! Is there justice in the world for children like this?

I'm going through the same exact thing with my daughter. She lies lies lies and it's been going on since she was a teenager. She tells people that I said things about them and has destroyed a lot of my relationships with family and even my husbands family her stepfather. She writes all kinds of bad stuff about me on face book.. I have 3 beautiful grandsons and it's hard but I do not want any part of her in my life as I can't take her drama. I have not been in her life since 2006 for good and she still continues this behavior. How do you fix this problem?

Hi Peejay,
You can't fix it. You know in your heart you did nothing to her. All you can do is ignore her, understanding she is a sick person but there is no way to heal her. If you protest on facebook trying to explain....well, you have stooped to her level and satisfied her need to hurt you. Those who believe her do not deserve to be in your life. Cut them all out of your life and do not look at her facebook anymore, block her. I often find that site is a tool unkind people use to hurt others. Just go on with your life like she is dead (but fortunately she is not......understand what I mean?) The nice little girl she was is dead and been replaced by someone you do not know.......anyway that is how I feel about my daughter. Do nice things for yourself, be happy and enjoy living.

Yes, I do understand what you are saying.. Thank you so much!

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my daughter is 40 years old. she is saying that she hates me and i was and i am a bad mother, and that i kick her out of the house when she got herself pragenet i have 2 sons which adores me and would never say such a thing, because i was a good mom and i proceted my children with my life and try to give them everything the needed, but she was a bit spoiled, i taught i was always was there for her, anything she needed i really don't know where she gets it . why are our girls turning on us like that. i iam so upset about this, i talk to my boys and they told me to try and forget it . but it hurts me to think that she feels that way. which i don't understand. please advise me what to do.

My advice is listen to the advice of your good sons. You must remove her negativity from your life. I did that with my daughter and feel great about it.... freedom from lies, abusive and insults. You know you were a good mother so that's what is important. She does not deserve you so turn the tables and ignore her totally.......unless she gives you a sincere apology. xx.

I'm so sorry. I have endured similar accusations from one of my daughters after I loved and nurtured her as well. I have wondered too about some sort of mental disorder because it is so bazaar. I am starting to think this is kind of common especially among spoiled daughters who trap themselves into a mental victimization. I wonder if the college experience contributes to this. This is where it all began. Her other four sisters don't feel the same, but her poison is in the water.

Hi megamomx7,
I do remember a time when she was a college freshman and I drove several hours spend a weekend with her. During the time, she mentioned her friends couldn't believe "a mother could treat her daughter like I treated her" and I was hurt and confused, asking her what she was referring to and I do not recall what she said, nothing specific, but I do recall crying my eyes out all the way home in my car. That must have been the first time she started saying I treated her badly but after that, we had many nice holidays, cruises, trips to NYC together so she wasn't consistent with her accusations and I tried to overlook the rudeness and proceed with creating happy times with her. I'm sorry you have had a similar experience. It's not is something in them when other children, treated in the same manner, end up loving us with no nasty complaints.

How about WE start judging them harshly about every word or deed, judging whether THEY are a good enough daughter to US!?? I homeschooled this one until 11th grade. I think it has to do with being another woman in our home. They are naturally competitive and want to take our position. It is when they begin berating and making up things to demonize the mother that makes it frustrating.

You are so right. It's like they are in competition.

I've just had this same experience. It used to be in her 30's I was no June Cleaver, then a couple of years ago I was manipulative and horrible to her step father. I divorced him. Now, I beat them, abused them physically & mentally, (her brother) I did smack him a couple of times. But never beat them. Soon after I found out I had high blood Pressure & that helped me deal with him. I always had a great relationship with her. I have been worried about her for some time. Her husband & her have been using drugs the doctor gives them for anxiety and stress. I'm not a saint but these accusations have just gotten worse. I offered to go with her to therapy but she truly believes I'm evil. She hasn't contacted her step dad since our divorce almost 9 yrs ago. Now I'm keeping her away from him. She lives about 60 miles from me & I can't see her or her family, my grandkids. While I realize I'm not alone it is of little comfort. I've asked her father to say something but he got really defensive, even though I explained I wasn't mad and I was sorry to upset him. I don't know what to do. I end up staying away from both my children & pray they realize they are doing more to harm our relationship than I ever did. I always treated them with respect & gave their opinion weight. I don't push them. I also believe my sister feeds lies to her. She's always lied & pushed her way into my daughters life, calling her several times a day. Years ago she treated my daughter like she was her own but not my son. Maybe I deserve this but in all honesty I didn't beat my children or abuse them. She told my her step mom did with a hose, so if I had she would have told her dad. This is the first I've heard of it.

Hi Cheshire572,
You know what is true and what isn't. Who says anyone has to be perfect all the time. People do their best with situations they are presented with. You must move on, forget the ex husband and the children who are unkind. When you think of them, put something pleasant in your have to move on and create a new life for yourself, without the "enemies".
Hugs to you...

To Oraleemay,
When we as mothers, know we have done nothing but be loving, & caring and the daughter turns out to be your enemy.....what other explanation could there be? Though it is very sad to accept your adult child probably has a mental problem, it's also a relief to you personally to understand why she is behaving in a destructive manner toward you. You could spend many years and tears trying to convince her she is not dealing with reality with no positive outcome, or you you could simply (and to those who don't understand this will sound cruel) forget her and move forward. Find things to make yourself happy and put her out of your mind. Take care of yourself.

thank you for reinforcing what I have done, The last straw came when I was TOLD not to com,e for my 20 yr old , marine grandsons funeral. I have not spoken to her since that date.

I have the same problem with my 31 year old daughter. We had no major problems when she was growing up other than she was spoiled. When she was in her mid twenties I noticed that she lied frequently and she began borrowing, stealing and forging money from me. She is very manipulative and first tries to get what she wants in a nice way. If she doesn't get it she steals or bullies.

About 3 years ago a counselor told me she was a sociopath. I didn't believe it but recently she got alot worse because I'm not working and she can't get things she wants from me. I looked up info on "sociopaths" online and she meets the description to the T. My daughter also says I allowed a relative to abuse her which is insane!!!!

About 4% of the population is afflicted with this disorder. Knowing more about it may help you understand, put up barriers and go on and live your life. Thats what I'm trying to do.

It's difficult to admit it but I have also considered that my daughter is a sociopath. It is such a frightening concept. I have become thankful that I live 8 hours driving distance away from her since who know what she would do to me since she lied so terribly about me. I am going on with my life just fine, am sort of relieved I will never hear her insults and demeaning again.

This just breaks my heart as I'm going through the same thing! I think my daughter has this same issue a Sociopath! I'm afraid of her as well. My daughter puts all this bad stuff about me on facebook.. How do you handle on this abuse from you're daughter? I just do not know how not to get upset over this kind of behavior..

yes that mid 20 age!!! that is when my son started giving me crap!!!

What are the symptoms of a sociopath ?

There are several sites on the internet that describe the symptoms.
Take care

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Thank you for your comment. A brother like you would be a blessing.

Your welcome. Add me, please

I am so sorry for the way your daughter's treat you. If my sister ever treated our Mother like this...I don't know what I would do. A Mother/Woman should never be treated with anything but love & respect.

After my daughter married I left her father. I met someone and moved to another state for 10 years. Came back for 6 months when her first child was born and another 6 months when she started working. I lived with her during that time. On Christmas she would buy her mother in law very nice and expensive gifts and would give me a music CD. She would smile watching me open it. I bought the baby a toy one year that had just come out and was excited to see her open it only she told her father to go first and you guessed it same toy that one made my daughter laugh. I loved my daughter no matter what she did but it was my grandchildren that kept me coming back for more visits. Because of my health issues I could no longer fly so I moved close to my daughter and grandchildren. Everything was okay for the first 5 years. My new husband and I lived with her for 5 months until we found our own house and she and her family lived with us for 7 months on two separate occasions. I do not care for her second husband and that did cause problems but I could not love my grand children more. I took care of the little one before she went to school and babysat whenever asked. We even took the kids camping with us and we all took a family vacation. I'm not sure what I did I must have said or did something wrong because 6 months ago she told me she never wanted to see me again and that she did not want me around her children. She accused me of neglecting and abusing her saying I was severely depressed since I find it necessary to fake an illness. She said some horrible things to me told me no one can stand to be around me and I make everyone uncomfortable. She would only say these things in email because she said she was uncomfortable talking face to face. I asked her to see a therapist with me to try to work this out and she refused. She feels I am the crazy one and that's why she has to get away from me. She told me a year ago that no matter what would happen between us she would never take the kids away because they love me so much and need me in their life. She hugged me, said she loved me and in my heart I knew that would be the first thing she would do. At first I cried everyday because I miss my grandchildren so much. I still cry but it's getting a little better I am going to see someone for grief counseling because we were so close we saw the kids on an average of once a week. The youngest would also beg me to run away with her or let her live with me. Why do our daughters turn on us like this?

You must live you own life. There is nothing you can do. When you face there is nothing you can do and cherish the good memories, you can go on. I did and you can too. She has control of the grandchildren right now. When they are grown, you may be able to reconnect.

It isn't even about that. My story is very similar to others here. I love my grandchildren AND... they are not mine. God saw fit to bless my daughter - who I also love deeply - with them. I long for them and I long for her, but when I realized what she was doing was deeply hurting them, I knew could not participate in her game any longer.

It has been five years. This time of year is especially painful. And? And I pray for her. I pray for the grandkids. I pray for me, too. I would not wish on my daughter, what she has done to me. Thus I cannot wish for my grandchildren to turn on her - now or when they are grown. All I can do, is take it to God and give Him all the broken pieces. I encourage you all to do the same.

Thank you for sharing your stories. I have kept up over the months, but, this is the first time I am posting.

May God Bless you with His peace and ease the ache in all our broken hearts.


I wonder how things are with you now. I am just now going through this. Because I quit giving my daughter money at 40 she won't let me see my precious 4 and 7 year old grandsons that we had for days at a time. My heart is broken, my heart goes out to you. I also went to counseling because I couldn't imagine not seeing my grandsons. My daughter said some of the same things to me. She inherited being a sociopath from her father so I know why she does what she does. It breaks my heart that she uses the kids as pawns in her game of manipulation. The kids love and miss me so much, it's so hard on them to have a parent like that. I tried to get legal visitation but she threatened to get revenge and destroy my life. Almost everything you wrote I could have written. My daughter also said the same thing about taking away my grandchildren.

I have the same daughter, and after years of her abuse, in November, I told her I was done....I miss my grandchildern, but they never loved me because she would not let them.... I have felt better....

I think she is bipoler...

As I have posted before, cherish the good memories but move on and be happy in your own life. We all lived just fine before they were all born and we can be happy just as before without their unkindness in our lives. It has been one year since my daughter's wedding and I feel happy,,,actually have to remind myself of the evil thing she did. I am glad I no longer have to put up with her rude and hateful ways. Life is good.


Sounds as if she might be bipoler how knows, but I would let her know that if I was that bad of a mother you can't understand way she would want you at her wedding??????

Thank you for all the comment I read about cruel daughters. I also, felt very alone with my hateful daughter. But, she is very good at making me look very bad. I can give and give and she takes. But when it comes to me, no gifts, I am lucky to get a call on Mother's Day. I know the only reason she calls is because she doesn't want to look bad with rest of the family. Any time I tell her how I feel, She comes back at me " I don't have to prove my love to you" I never went to her wedding either. I wasn't invited. She has photos of everyone including her dad. None of me on facebook. Only time she is half way friendly is around her birthday and Christmas. I have received a few gifts pass 25 years. My grandchildren never called to say thank you either. She goes behind my back and talks horrible. Her dad and I gave her a wonderful life. She admits that. She feels loved, but says she will never be loyal to me. I am not part of her family. I have lost friends and family some have turned against me, because of her lies, she can fool so many people. I know when she was younger, she lied to gain ears and attention and used lies about me to get it. She is trying hard to destroy my name. Of course it is always my fault and she accused me walking out because, I don't want to put up with her crap. Now, I stay away. I really don't care anymore. I moved away to start a new life where isn't around to know my friends. Sad she would go out of her way to be cruel. I don't know why either. I don't understand why people especially so called friends would be believe her. I feel like I am the most hated mother in the world. I am very loving and giving mother. Why she can't see that. I am tired and don't the fight in me to keep going with her..When my son died, it was the last straw. She made slide with only one photo in it of me. I raised her brother, he was my baby. And she didn't make me part of it. That was the last straw. Everyone noticed. I gave her all the family pictures and she lied about that too, told the family I didn't. I know she doesn't love me, in fact nothing but hate, because actions speak louder then words.

Dear Vanida,
Oh!! how your story sounds like mine. People believing lies against you, taking family and friends away with lies and not being able to defend yourself or understand why they would believe her. It's crazy!! The only way to deal with this is to do exactly what you did. Delete her from your life. I have done that, except for this site where I am strangely comforted to know I am not the only mother in the world (as I thought I was) who has experienced such a daughter. The years of caring, devotion and love given to our daughters is cast aside like it was nothing. They do not deserve us. If I am on my death bed, I will not see my daughter......not that she would take time from her precious life to see me!!!
Today I am enjoying the sunny, warm day planting vegetable seeds here in my garden in South Carolina. Another thing just like you. My daughter said I never gave her photos of her childhood so I mailed her many after having them copied.
She then said she could see what an unkind mother I was because photos I was looking at the camera and not at her!!! I think these girls have mental illness and there is nothing we, as mothers, can do about these adult women. They have convinced themselves and believe their own lies so let it be and move on. That is all we can do.
My best to you and please consider me your friend. I would love to stay in contact with you.

You put into words what many have been unable to articulate:

"She then said she could see what an unkind mother I was because photos I was looking at the camera and not at her!!! I think these girls have mental illness and there is nothing we, as mothers, can do about these adult women. They have convinced themselves and believe their own lies"

I know a young lady who fits this description exactly. No matter what or how her mother says or does something, it will be picked apart until some small fragment is magnified and held up, despite it being totally twisted or taken out of context. Here for everyone is her evidence her great proof that her mother is the vile evil witch and she is but a poor victim. Then there is the frenzied campaign directing anyone and everyone to join the witch burning so they can divide the spoils.

It's called sociopath or socialized psychopath


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Dear islandwisher. My daughter is getting married in June and texted me after a year of basically no communication and years of crazy crazy crazy lies that I can't even believe she believes, to tell me I can expect an invitation. I sent her very supportive texts even though her " fiancé " told her unless I give her $60,000-80,000 in cash, she cannot have a relationship with me. My daughter came from a really nice home , had everything , and I put her on a pedestal and made her the goddess of our family. She has turned on me and I feel horrible. My question to you, is , did you ever regret not going to the wedding cuz I don't want to participate because of the lies she told everyone , she will not have me in family photos , and she said she has no problem introducing me to his family and she will even mention I'm her parent. I love her so much, but the abuse is nuts. Thanks.

Dear Lori,
I am so sorry to hear of your daughter's abuse. I know exactly how you feel. I love the little girl my daughter was and am disappointed in the cruel person she has become. I do not regret not going to her wedding and feel relief that I no longer am in contact with her. I would have loved to go to the wedding of the sweet little girl but she no longer exists. It is like my daughter has died. It is strange that I have received this communication from you today as today was the first time I reread the emails exchanged between my daughter and myself just before the wedding. I saved them in a special file. Now I can see clearly how unkind she was to me, how she does not love me and how I was trying so hard to make things right. I did not understand that she did not love me but I know that now. Time heals wounds and lets you see things more clearly. In your case, you are being blackmailed, a demand to give them much money or you can't go to the wedding?? Being at the wedding but not being included in the family wedding photos....... that is just too harsh. Don't allow yourself to be demeaned like that. My daughter has lied terribly about me too but there is nothing we can do about lies to people we do not even know. My suggestion is to do something really special for yourself on the wedding day....take a little trip, go to a spa, be with special friends, have a nice dinner out and don't mention it is your daughter's wedding day.. It's just a day and it will be over quickly and life goes on. We have to face the fact that sometimes there is simply nothing you can do to please people and you have to turn your back and start pleasing yourself.
Take care,

I feel for you..I can certainly emphathize. My daughter is now 22 and I am in complete shock at her recent attempts to accuse and threaten me in her fabricated recollection of physical abuse. I do wonder if she has lost her mind some can this spiteful being be my little muse I watched grow up?!?!
None of her siblings support this but nonetheless she goes about spreading these lies to gain sympathetic ears. Its breathtakingly painful to endure, many days I have wondered if I were even crazy ( I mean could she feel comfy with such lies).

I am currently taking assessment of just how much I have sacrificed, suffered through and endured for my children as a single mom . My goodness some kids can be cold, ungrateful spiteful souls!
I am practicing and getting better at placing myself first now...most parents habitually tend to place loved ones ( I was the rock and the force always protecting my family). Love yourself and stop allowing her/anyone a license to hurt you...I am there myself and offer best wishes that you find peace ( "peace" that is such an underrated gift in this age), love and support elsewhere.

Greetings, I too have wondered if my daughter is crazy and also questioned my own sanity. I guess the answer is that we, giving and caring women, cannot begin to understand such selfish behavior as it is so foreign to our own loving personalities. It is a nightmare (and I have them often regarding my daughter) to know the child you loved and nurtured in the most loving ways is trying to destroy you with lies for their own self centered reasons. I think the more they lie, the more they are convinced they are telling the truth and there is nothing a mother can do about that. Thank you so much for writing your last paragraph as it is inspirational to me.

I too have wondered why my daughter has so much hate for me i was shocked to find out she was bashing me behind my back I always thought we were fine! I have also questioned my own sanity she had me believing I'm crazy I think she is believing her own lies! My husband told me don't pay attention to her she knows you pride yourself in being a great mom and by her saying negative things about you she knows will get to you! My husband said we do t live in solitaire we always had family friends around when she was growing up who saw what I was like with my kids. I'm trying but deep down I'm speechless

my dear lady, I have a daughter too 50+ who as a teenager made up lies about me in order to leave home at 16.It tore my family apart because no one knew who to support or believe. it meant that the children of my second marriage had no grandparents or cousins on my side of the family to love them.To be honest there was a grain of truth in the lies but all was distorted to a horrendous extent.
I have tried all ways to bring reconcilliation but have failed. After spending years feeling dreadfully hurt and failed, inadequate and rubbished by this child I had born out of love into love, I came to the decision to stop trying and to cease contact.
That was over 10 years ago now and I have had picked up my life and regained my self respect. I am not so sure that I would want to see her now unless she agreed to reconciliation. I forgive her and would like her to meet my forgiveness with reconcilliation and a willingness to forget all that has gone before. The most healing thing said to me was GOD KNOWS YOUR HEART and my dear lady I do hope that your daughter finds within her the loving memories you created for her and can accept your love so that you may be reconciled.

Thanks so much. I really found your words comforting:

The most healing thing said to me was GOD KNOWS YOUR HEART

Personally, it sounds to me you know what to do, you are not accepting that you must do it. Some time of no contact maybe the answer.

Wow, I have felt so alone these past 10 years dealing with my disrespectful adult daughter who is 40. I wasn't invited to her wedding either and the only time I have ever received a birthday or mothers day card was when her sociopathic husband was MIA and I allowed her and my grandchildren to live with me - paying all the bills of course. She and her husband treat me like a 3rd class citizen accusing me of everything. She too had an awesome family home and her younger sibling assures me of this. I was never so shocked in my life when she told me she had a terrible home life. Are you kidding me? Her dad and I never fought, we lived in beautiful homes, full of love, she had new clothes, food on the table, a used car and lots of affection. Many Gen X are users and abusers. After years of her manipuating me with my grandchildren I've almost lost interest in trying. Her oldest is a teenager now and being raised with this attitude occassionally makes derogatory statements about my personality. I was told by a counselor my grandchildren being raised in this environment may be raised to disrepect me because the parents are openly vocal with their comments. I will say a prayer for all of you whose hearts are shattered, may God give us all wisdom.

yes the x genration... i wrote a story about them... with pictures to boot .... lol

Where might I find your story? Would like to read!

Greetings notrunningwell,
Thank you for commenting. I am so sorry for your sad experience with your daughter, so similar to mine. I do not know how these children, who have had good childhoods, can turn on their older parents. It is time for us to be happy and try to let the ungrateful adult children out of our lives. We do not deserve to be treated in such disrespectful ways.

😢 I shed a tear for both of us. What an even further tragedy to have my grandchildren to treat me the same way because that's how they see their mother talks to me in front of them.

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You are not alone. We all do the best we know how to do at the time we are doing it! My 40 yr old daughter just accused me this week of, while on vacation, ruining her teen years by being overly strict. She was angry and hurtful stating she was unable to be a normal teen after I withheld her party attendance due to drunkenness at age 14 yr old. She forgets I allowed parties at our home. Sober ones. She has non stop since her late 20's repeatedly hurt my feelings, accused me of some things that never happened to the extent she now remembers them. As the years have passed she has built up some issues beyond what they were. I do admit I was rougher than we would allow these days. Yup ..she was spanked, yelled at, grounded and I also admit I had remarried a poor choice of a husband.. but I also made a lot of good choices. She had love ,education opportunities, hobbies, vacations and a wide circle of family support. I took her for counseling when she was young due to her defiance but times were different and the help was not effective. I do believe she blames me for her poor choices in life. I did my best which appears to be have been not enough for this girl. I spent years blaming myself and feeling like a bad parent. She has had treatment for some mental issues and she goes on and off her anti-anxiety meds {compulsive obsessive disorder} which then causes outbursts in accusations. I have had counseling to learn to deal with her. Thankfully we live a few hundred miles apart . Very honestly if I did not have a grandchild I love so much I would further limit my visits with her. Sad but true. She would probably be happier with me staying away. I'm not sure there is much we can really do . These girls need to get help.

Hi Saddtr,
I appreciate hearing your story as it is so much like mine. I agree, there is not much we can do. I have written letters outlining her lies and telling her how they could not possibly be true and I have always loved her and been proud of her.. She ignored them and proceeded with additional lies which I am sure she is telling her new husband as he must have wondered why I did not attend her wedding. What chance do I have to let him know she is a liar? Why should I care what this man thinks of me as I will never associate with him. Plus I would be blamed for hurting her new marriage if he was told his delightful new wife has done such a horrid deed to her own mother. So I move forward without my daughter in my life which means I no longer will beg for crumbs of attention from her or be insulted and demeaned. That's a good thing. Fortunately there are no grand children for me to miss.

I have had some decent visits when she is on her meds. She also has a new husband. She was married at 40 yrs old. My grandchild is from a previous relationship that never resulted in marriage. There was no hope for that when she was not medicated. I say nothing to the wonderful son-in-law about the past. I never make excuses for the past. I tell her I did mt best as I knew how at the time. I just tell her I hope she does better with my pre-teen grandchild. Some adults never can get along with their parents. That's sad but true. It's easier to blame everyone else for their issues than to fix the issues. I remain saddened by this but no longer devastated. I might add I plan my own old age knowing it would be scary to have her in charge of it!

sad i understand

Clearly your daughter has mental issues.If she does not get help for them nor wants to get help then well remember her for the good times and leave her alone.That is better than taking that kind of abuse<br />
When we are younger we can take more abuse but as we get older who needs that in our lives.You are now enter your later yrs of life so go enjoy and just leave her alone and do not fall for her invites because she only invites you when she has moments of normalcy.You can't change someone's point of view so easily even a your own child.It is her point of view wrong or right truth or lies.<br />
I hope you can heal from such hurtful comments and attitudes she had exhibited towards you .Take care ,thanks for sharing.

my son is embarrass where he grow up and tells me I have to go see them he makes great money and thinks he is better I live in the same House where he grow up

So so sad! If it was me, I'd go but take a very strong friend. Never be alone with her & just try to enjoy the celebration. BUT yes, I think your daughter has a serious mental problem & needs help badly. It could be a metabolic prob or otherwise. On the other hand, are U sure your ex never abused her? We can be fooled, esp by an "upstanding" guy. Good luck!

I am having severe problems with my 40 year old daughter. I divorced her Dad when she was three because of his infidelity and physical abuse and remarried a man I thought would be perfect. Unfortunately, he was not, but no abuse from him, Her Dad always made fun of me and everything I did and he made these comments in front of ughter. During her teenage years, it got so bad that I let her go live with him. I always believed that she was entitled to a father and I never uttered a word against him. He passed away unexpectedly a few years ago and I tried to step into the void by spending a lot of time with her. It's been five years and she still ignores me and treats me badly. I always gave her attention and love. Why does she hate me?

her dad may of been putting hate into her head about you.... she may be mising her dad, and she is acting out ... hating on you... for his death

I too had spent years trying to get close to my daughter and thought I had but then, during her wedding plans, she suddenly started making crazy accusations against me and finally begged me not to attend. You sound like me..."I always gave her attention and love". I do not know how these 40 year old women, entering middle age, can be so cruel to their mothers, who have been good to them. It has to be them..they have to be mentally sick to treat us like they do. I recall my daughter's dad poking fun at me, as well, even taking her alone to a restaurant if she complained about my home cooked meal. Maybe these men have taught the girls to have no respect for their mothers.

Islandwisher, your story is so much like mine. Our daughter tried to commit sucide and we (her dad and I) were arrested for Unlawful restrainst when we tried to stop her from cutting herself! CPS talked with her and stated they would not pursue any charges because they have seen many abused teens and she is not one. She told them she was deprived of starbucks coffee one day when her dad would not stop to get her coffee! So the county dismissed charges but we still have an arrest record even though charges are dismissed, we are out thousands of dollars for bail and lawyer fees. Not to mention she had to go live with family out of state for eight months while we sorted through the legal system, we sent money to the family. I almost lost my job because all the court dates. She is now 17 and living with a 32 year old man and Texas law says we can not do anything. She told so many lies that our name is ruined. People we known all our lives will not even make eye contact in public with us. I understand your pain. These daughters make up stories because it brings them attention and they thrive being a victim and getting attention.

CharKay....I am so sorry about your daughter. It's horrible that the justice system treated you so poorly. Perhaps now is the time to concentrate on creating happy times with your husband and let the past go. Someone here said something like lived and were happy before the child was can live and be happy after her. You gave her life, now give yourself freedom from the past.

Had the exact same thing happen. My ex and I divorced after 28 years then he died 2 years later. My grown daughters have never forgiven feels as if they blame me for losing their dad. My oldest is married to a sociopath (was diagnosed with this) so my hands are tied to ever reconcile with her as long as he's controlling her mind, my youngest is married to a wonderful man. I guess we have to cut our losses and move forward with the healthy relationships in our life. Constantly begging for the crumbs at their table is destroying me.

bellehowell my story is almost the same as yours except my daughter is 32 , and her father us still alive, hes a deadbeat dad. I recently realise the harder I try the more she steps up the efforts to prove what an awful person I am. It works for her she get more sympathy that way, and she can be the centre of every story, and wants to become a therapist. well Good luck with that. we woman who have had this experience should stick together and mother daughter each other.

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<p>island its called its self preservation.... like you, I had to cut my heart strings, <br />
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my son gave me roses for mom day....but; he has dropped all commutation, <br />
<br />
he still thinks he is better than me. talks to me like I'm the child.... telling me that I talk like I'm old..... I'm like w t f ??? just because I reminded you that I'm not 20 anymore, doesn't mean I think my life has settled into to a rocking chair sitting on the front porch.<br />
left me thinking, CRAP!! who flew across country (just recently ) by their self and then once off the plane, drove for an hour across the smokies alone, through the mountains as the sun disappeared behind the fall trees, trying to find the cabin, I rented in the deep woods.... (no street lights ) ( it was a birthday present to my self) <br />
<br />
any how, I'm happy that you found a sweet spot in ur heart to help you get by with ur daughters "stuff" <br />
maybe do something special for ur self... don't beat ur self up ... <br />
<br />
I know I can beat my self up sometimes wondering what the hell did, I ever do to you ...kid doe ???!!! <br />
<br />

gypsyblu...your trip sounds wounderful and something I have been thinking about ..and. I even have a cabin picked out from VRBO in the Smokies!!. Maybe I too will take a road trip, someplace by myself to enjoy the view, the mountain air, see some deer, pick blackberries, hike around, not wear makeup..LOL..
and watch the clouds lift at midday. Thanks so much for your inspiration. Hugs back to my "project friend".

island best time to go to the smokies is oct, the leaves are so beauitful mystical that time of year.

good place to go is maggie valley they decorate the town during that time (like a lot of places do at x mas time )

I've been there, very nice....that ski ride up to the mountain is fun.

small world hu

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update......Today is her wedding........AND congratulations to me. I suddenly do not care. For some reason, the sadness has lifted from me and I feel free.

Update...Now, less then 2 weeks to the wedding, she is paying me off not to attend. I have received a cashier's check to cover the non refundable accommodations formal dress. She kept emailing me saying please do not attend and I kept writing, stop this and let's all have a happy day but eventually she insisted on reimbursing me expenses so I told her the $$ I spent and her $$ arrived with 48 hours. Unreal, horrible. What in the world will she say about me to family and guests in response to "where is your mother"?

wooooo ... wow island, im so very sorry ...its just sad so very sad,,,,(((hugs)))

My sibling treated my mother so bad that she decided on her own to withdraw from the family and to keep them at a distance refusing phone calls and doesn't answer mail. In her defense she has shared with me that she would rather die in peace... realizing that life is so short. I don't blame her for making that decision... We are all as humans fallible and prone to error created from the same mud hole... that said, my mother is not perfect but what saddens me is that she is my mom and a very sweet woman who deserves more than what shes gotten in life.<br />
<br />
If i may... have you not heard do you not know... that as much as you love those that are the closest to you. "You most also Love yourself and be kind to yourself"

after i had put up with my sons abuse for 3 years.. <br />
<br />
i thought there is more than one way to skin a cat!<br />
<br />
I cancled the life insh policy had for him..<br />
<br />
i told the agent that my child is not getting rich on my death bed any longer!

I applaud your action. If adult children cannot be decent to their parents, they don't deserve to be remembered in life insurance policies and wills. That's where we have the final word.

Did the same! No money from me

not- yes all else fails, hit them in the pocket book......... just today my fathers wife said to me ... that maybe i should of not done that... but why should i make his life easy when he made my life a livng hell....

I wish my hubby would see that! His daughter treats him like s#!t and has refused to aknowledge me (it's been 15 yrs,I've never met her) yet I just found out he has carried a $500,000 ins policy for her and if we both die, she is also suppose to get an equal share of our assets! I'm thinking about leaving, because I don't put up with mean from my own 2 let alone an adult brat! Her brother I Love, but her not so much!

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Thank you for your comments. It is comforting to know I'm not the only mother who has been treated rudely by her adult child. I will no longer beg for a scrap of kindness and turn the other cheek when unkindness is tossed at me. I will demand respect and not be available if I am not respected.

yes i stll find my self begging.. its so innate in me to worry about my child...

don't feel like the lone ranger on this one, Gypsy!

<p>am i agree... i have no daughter, but i have a grown adult son, he talks to me like he is my parent...<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
when i was his age i had a 8 year old child, I was raising alone since birth .... took my self through school, rode the city bus to get around, had no family or man around to help me. <br />
<br />
when my son turned 23 for some reason he got on his high horse towards me and has been there for many years now............</p>

He sounds exactly like a certain young woman I know. She suddenly decided her mother is an idiot and the cause of all that is wrong in her life, unless (of course) the mother is shelling out cash and goods to the daughter.

exactly! sometimes i think maybe i should of been more like my own parents... my parents by the time you were 12 were looing at chu as if you didn't belong ! even before that they weren't the nicest people ! ...

I wanted to be unlike my parents towards my child! so who knows i may of created a monster!

Hmmm. I wonder about this myself. My parents had similar attitudes to yours. Perhaps there is a link. We grow up learning how to be treated like a doormat so our kids just follow the program. I guess it might be time for the doormat to retire and refabracate into someone less walked upon.

yes time for doormat to it the road!

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Look, they are all like that.. girls when they grow up.. find fault with the mothers...and when THEY are having a baby... they want to play the puritanical virgin mary.. like YOU were NEVER pregant...never experienced it.. tell you how to talk to their child etc. it makes me want to vomit. I had that daughter of mine when I was nearly 19, and that time 19 was still considered young. and I was innocent.. My daughter had her child when she was 35... So I told her plain and clearly one day ( matching her insults)<br />
Listen... dont come and play the virgin mary with and compare yourself to ME. you've been around the block Many times.... I had 1 boyfriend.... so put that in your pipe and smoke it.... you got to tell them like it IS... Why should we always stoop so low to just get bashed verbally all the time by them... they would let their guys do to them....

hell dont go !!! why? even if u made and payed for ur stay... just go and have fun, doing somthing different... with her fr<x>ame of mind her marriage wont last any how...